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TRAVELS -5-1:^ 



IN AMERICA. 



GEORGE FIBBLETON, ESQ. 



Ei-Barber to Hi a Majesty, 



THE KING OF GREAT BRITAIN. 



NEW.YORK : 

PUBLISHED BY WILLIAM PEARSON, fl CORTLANDT-ST 
PETER HILL, 94 BROADWAY ; ANO OTHERS. 

1833. 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1833, in 
the office of the Clerk of the District Court of the United 
States, for the Southern District of New- York. 



Wm. Pearson, printer. 



MRS. TROLLOPE : 

THE MOST SEVERE CASTIGATOR OF AMERICAN MAN. 

NERS, THE MOST ELEGANT MRITER OF MODERN 

TIMES, AND THE MOST RENOWNED TRA- 

VELLER OF THIS OR ANY OTHER AGE. 

Madam, 

Much as I am dazzled by the splendor of your 
literary fame, much as I admire your indefatigable 
research in Western climes, and much as I esteem 
your inimitable virtues : all these things, nevertheless, 
sink into insignificance, when compared with the in- 
expressible pleasure I feel, and the unparalleled glo- 
ry I anticipate, in being permitted to inscribe this 
work to you ; and so sensible am I of the honor this 
privilege confers, that were this to be my last and on- 
ly achievement, I should deem the placing of my name 
on the same page with yours, a sufficient passport to 
immortaUty. 

GEORGE FIBBLETON. 



PREFACE 



BY THE AMERICAN EDITOR. 



The extraordinary fame, acquired by such dis- 
tinguished writers on America, as Faux, Fearon, 
Ashe, Hall, Trollope, and Fidler, might well be 
expected to tempt others to gather laurels in the 
same field ; and accordingly, to the above named 
immortal six, we now have the addition of a se- 
venth, in the person of Mr. Fibbleton. Like 
the two last, he seems to have been disappointed 
in his views of fortune in America ; and like all 
of them, he has given a coloring to his delinea- 
tions, a little at variance with truth, and for the 
most part not very flattering to the pride of Ame- 
ricans. But travellers, from time immemorial, 
have in one way or other, been strangely given 
to wander from the truth ; and we leave our au- 



yi PREFACE, 

thor as we would any other of his race, to settle 
his mistakes, whether graphical, geographical, 
statistical, political or personal, in the best man- 
ner he can with the reader. 

New-York, Sept. 15, 1833. 



CHAPTER I. 

SINCERE REGRETS FOR POLITICAL ERRORS AC- 
KNOWLEDGEMENT OF HIS majesty's WISDOM AND 
MERCY MY REASONS FOR EMIGRATING TO AME- 
RICA AND MY VIEWS IN WRITING A BOOK. 

Oh ! fool that I was, to turn radical, and thus to 
lose the favor of the best, the kindest, and most royal 
master, that ever a subject was blest withal ! For, 
by losing the countenance of the king, I lost my office ; 
and by losing my office, I lost the means whereby I 
got my bread. Ah ! woe is me ! never shall I smooth 
such a chin as that of his most gracious Majesty. Ne- 
ver shall I enjoy so fat an office, as the one I enjoy- 
ed, when removing the excrescences from the royal 
face Would that I had attended to my own proper 
business, intead ofspouting in poHtical clubs, and urg- 
ing measures of reform But in an evil hour, I be- 
came a radical. I joined the party of Cobbett and 
Hunt. 

And then, what a fool I was ! I must have the te- 



8 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

merity to recommend to my royal master a radical 
reform in my own department. I could not be con- 
tent with the old method of smoothing chins — a me- 
thod which is sanctioned by time, and which has been 
approved by the most celebrated tensors, ever 
since the flood. This venerable practice it was, that 
I wished to overthrow. I insisted upon it, that it was 
too dilatory and too expensive. Simpleton that I was ! 
What had I to do, either with economy in the expen- 
diture of the public money, or expedition in the dis- 
charge of the public duties? The money did not come 
out of my purse, but rather came into it ; and no 
workman who was compus mentus, would be desirous 
of injuring his own business by the introduction of 
any more cheap or expeditious mode of performing it. 
And yet such, I am now sensible, would have been 
the effect of the reform, I had the temerity to recom- 
mend to his Majesty. 

But, lauded be his Majesty's great and royal wis- 
dom ! he refused to Hsten to my new fangled mode of 
pohshing the royal chin : and thus the nation was 
saved. Yes, Great Britain was saved ; but — but 
George Fibbleton was lost. The barber, who had 
so long enjoyed the sunshine of the royal favor, was 
ejected from office ! 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 9 

I was not at first aware of the extent of my loss. I 
was still a radical ; and I said in my heart, His Maj- 
esty may go to the devil and shake himself, for what 
I care. I'll lather his royal phiz no more. I'm above 
such low business. I'm a republican in principle, 
and I'll emigrate forthwith to the land of freedom. I'll 
become a citizen of the United States. There's no 
governtnant like the Amarican, where all enjoy a per- 
fect equality of privileges ; where the barber is 
epual to the prime minister, and the prime minister is 
equal to the President of the nation. 

Thus I thought, and thus I acted. But I have had 
leisure to repent. I left England a complete radical ; 
I return to it a perfect tory. My travels in the 
United States, have cured me of all hankering after a 
republic. 1 am now convinced that a monarchy is 
the only decent sort of government ; and that the old 
mode of smoothing chins, which has been handed 
down from time immemorial, is the only true and le- 
gitimate mode. It has cost me a great sacrifice of 
pride to make this admission ; but truth is mighty and 
will prevalehit, as my Latin master used to say 

I owe this candid acknowledgment to his most sa- 
cred Majesty. I have indeed felt the heavy pressure 
of his most royal hand. But I am sure it was laid on 



10 FIBBLPyrON'S TRAVELS. 

in pure clemency ; and that if his Majesty had hung 
me, instead of turning me out of office, it would have 
been no more than my rank offence justly demanded. 
But as it is, I feel that I owe a whole life of loyal ser- 
vice to his most gracious Majesty ; and that it is my 
bounden duty, to do all I can, to put down the spirit 
of reform ; to render republicanism odious, and to es- 
tablish loyalty in the affections of the people. For 
this purpose, (as well as to recruit my purse, which 
not being a public reason, I speak it in parenthesis) 
— I have resolved to publish my observations on the 
manners, customs, laws, government, and produc- 
tions of the United States. 

In doing so, I but cast in my mite along with those 
admired champions of truth and loyalty, and those 
invincible enemies of repubHcs, Captain Basil Hall, 
Mrs. Trollope, and last, though not least, the learned 
and Rev. Mr. Fidler ; and happy shall I be, if the 
following pages have the effect of arresting the career 
of one misguided radical, and of confirming the loy- 
alty of one wavering tory. But above all, I shall be 
happy, if this, my first feeble attempt in the way of 
authorship, shall so far meet the favorable views of 
his most gracious Majesty, that he will, of his most 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 11 

royal grace and favor, deign to reinstate me in my 
former office of barber to his most royal and gra- 
cious Majesty. 



CHAPTER II. 

1 SAIL FROM LONDON IN ONE OP THE AMERICAN 
PACKETS EXPERIENCE THE INCIVILITY OF RE- 
PUBLICAN WINDS MEET WITH AN ACCIDENT 

— AND FALL OUT WITH THE CAPTAIN. 

I SAILED from London, in one of the American 
Packets, early in the month of March, 1833. I ex- 
pected to set my foot on, what I considered, the bless- 
ed shores of America, in the space of fifteen days. 
But I was sadly disappointed. The wind was mostly 
ahead during the whole voyage. 

By the by, these republican winds, are the most 
contrary and unaccommodating imaginable. They 
have no regard whatever to the wishes and feelings of 
his Majesty's subjects ; and as a large part of the pas- 
sengers were of this description, I have no doubt 
whatever, that these rough and uncivil winds, blew 
the contrary way, for no other reason under heaven, 
but to thwart the wishes of these, his Majesty's sub- 
jects. They seemed to take delight in annoying every 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 13 

man, "in Britain born," and every thing of British 
growth and manufacture. For instance they blew 
overboard a respectable gentleman from London, 
who was nearly half drowned, before he was picked 
up. They also carried away a lady's bonnet, which, 
if it had not been caught in some part of the ship's rig- 
ging, would have been inevitably lost. For my own 
part, though then tainted with the disease of radical- 
ism, I was so unfortunate as to drop one of my gloves 
into the salt sea, which 1 could not persuade the 
Yankee Captain, neither by threats nor arguments, 
to take up by putting the ship about. And I won- 
dered at this the more, when I informed him of my 
republican notions ; and that I intended to settle in 
his country for life. 

" What do I care for that ?" said he, in a rude tone 
of voice — "it is no concern of mine." 

" No concern of yours !" I exclaimed, " indeed sir, 
but you will pardon me, if I say it is a deep concern 
of yours, as well as of every American. It is for the 
interest of the United States, to encourage the emi- 
gration of English gentlemen, like myself, who will 
polish their fa — their mannners I should say : and 
will you not do so small a favor to a man who intends 
2 



14 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

to become a benefactor to your country, as to put 
about and pick up his glove ?" 

" Don't trouble me, sir," said the Captain gruffly, 

" You won't put about then, ha?" 

" No, confound you, I would'nt put about for all the 
gloves in Europe, and all the coxcombs that wear 
them." 

" Very well, Mr. Captain," said I, with great spi- 
rit, "if that's the way you treat an Englishman, who 
intended to honor you republic by taking up his 
abode among you ; I shall be tempted to leave the 
States, and transfer my presence, with all its advanta- 
ges, to Canada." 

" Well, sir," said he, as 'he turned his back upon 
me, and gave orders to his sailors as if no accident 
had [happened, the sooner you quit the States, the 
better ; for, rely upon it, the people don't want you 
there." 

But when I uttered my threat, I had no idea of ex- 
ecuting it. I was still too little acquainted with re- 
publicanism ; and concluded in my own mind, that 
the gruff Captain could not be a fair specimen of that 
great and enlightened people among whom I was go« 
ing to reside. 



CHAPTER III. 

I AM DISAPPOINTED IN THE AMERICAN PACKET 

HER CAPTAIN, ACCOMMODATIONS, AND SAILING 

OWING TO THE BADNESS OF THE LATTER, I BE- 

€OME HORRIBLY SEA-SICK RECOMMENDATION OF 

NEW LINESo 

The ship, in which I made my voyage, and which 
I have before said waa one of the American 
packets, had boen lauded to the skies for her 
fine model, her beautiful cabins, her swift sailing, 
her excellent accommodations, and her polite and at- 
tentive Captain. I even, on first going aboard, 
thought her a paragon of a ship ; and her Captain a 
knee per Sultan of a commander. But alas! I soon 
discovered how egregiously common fame had lied, 
and how miserably I had been mistaken. 

In regard to the accommodations, I found them but 
little, if any, better than those I had been accustomed 
to at home ; and as to the politeness of the Captain, 
he showed me no more attention than he did the 
common people ; and indeed scarcely addressed a 



16 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

single word to me during the passage ; except to re- 
quest me to stand out of the way, when I was like to 
be knocked overboard with the boom, or some equal- 
ly uncivil demand. And as for the beauty of the ship, 
I soon discovered that she had been altogether over- 
rated. I had heard much about the mahogany panels, 
the rich carpeting, an J the elegant furniture; but 
for my part, 1 found on a closer examination, that 
what appeared to be mahogany, was neither more 
nor less than hackmatack, a species of wood that 
grow^s plentifully in America ; that the carpeting, so 
far from being of good English manufacture, was lit- 
tle better than ordinary Brussels ; and that the fur- 
niture, which had at first struck my eyes as uncom. 
monly elegant, was of the most barbarous materials 
and manufacture. 

As for the sailing of the ship, so far from being swift, 
it took us six good weeks to cross the Atlantic. To 
be sure, as I said before, the vile republican winds 
blew directly in our teeth ; but that, I humbly con- 
ceive, is no reason why a ship should not make great- 
er headway — especially where the commander is a 
republican, and may therefore properly be supposed 
to know how to deal with those particular kinds of 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 17 

winds. But another thing — I had heard the ship 
compared to a swan, riding majestically on the waves ; 
but, oh, my insides ! I had not been two days at sea, 
before I became so monstrous sick, in consequence of 
the unsteadiness of the ship, that I thought I should ab- 
solutely have died in the act of vomition. 

Now it is very clear to me — and I think 1 ought to 
be a pretty good judge, having been barber to His 
Majesty for fifteen years — ■! say it is very clear to me, 
that a ship cannot be considered a good sailer, which 
makes her passengers so deadly sick as I became. 

And here I cannot help expressing my wonder, that 
some of His Majesty's subjects do not enter into com- 
petition with these uncivilized Yankees, and not allow 
them to monopolize all the business of sailing packets 
across the Atlantic. Is it not a shame that these up- 
start republicans should 

" So get the start of this majestic world." 

and especially of the loyal subjects of Great Britain? 
and that we English gentry should be compelled when- 
ever we cross the water, to submit to the rudeness of 
American Captains, and have our insides inverted by 
the rocking and unsteadiness of American ships ? For 

my part, I have not the least doubt, that, should En- 
2* 



18 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

glish lines of packets be established, both from' London 
and Liverpool, they would in a very short time get 
away all the passengers from these monopolizing Yan- 
kees — especially if the commanders of the English 
lines showed a little more deference to His Majes- 
ty's subjects^ particularly such persons as myself, who 
have held high official stations under his most gra- 
cious Majesty — and especially if the ships were so 
built and managed, as not to cause sea-sickness to 
such passengers as have never before ventured on the 
ocean. 



CHAPTER IV. 

A COALITION OP THE WEST WINDS AND THE GULF 
STREAM AMERICAN GULLS PORPUSES, alittS PA- 
POOSES THEIR STRANGE APPEARANCE AND BE- 
HAVIOR. 

As we were crossing the Gulf Stream, we had an- 
other specimen of the utter rudeness and inciviUty of 
every thing American. This stream, which sets back 
from the coast of America, comes as it were from 
the midst of republics, and seems to have imbibed 
all the vicious and bad qualities, for which those up- 
start governments are remarkable. The water com- 
bined, — or, as the American politicians say, formed a 
coalition — with the west wind, to drive us back again 
towards the eastern continent ; and I verily believe, 
had not the ship, like that which bore the victorious 
Coesar, carried the ex-Royal Barber and his fortunes, 
she would scarcely have reached the shores of Ameri- 
ca to this day. But, thanks to my stars, we at length 
prevailed over republican winds, and republican wa- 
ters. I say thanks, because, though disappointed in 



20 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

my views, and dissatisfied with every thing American, 
I have now had an opportunity of comparing my own 
happy government with the miserable failure, denom- 
inated a republic, on the western shores of the At- 
lantic. 

As we came into the American waters, we saw 
flocks of gulls flying and screaming around us. But 
they were poor starved creatures, and no more hke 
the English gulls than a heron is like a goose. I could 
not help remarking the difference to a Yankee pas- 
senger on board. Said I, " What contemptible gulls 
you have in this country. They're not at all to be 
compared with our English ones." 

" Very true," said he, " You have unquestionably 
the greatest gulls in the world." 

Such is the force of truth, that this American was 
compelled to acknowledge our English superiority, in 
this respect at least ; though he, like the rest of his 
county men, was forever boasting of the superexcel- 
lence of every thing American. But he made an ob- 
servation, in reply to one of mine, which I could not 
exactly understand, but which I thought was far from 
being civil to me, or respectful to the monarch or the 
nation to which I am proud to belong. When he ac- 
knowledged the superiority of our English gulls, I could 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 21 

not help saying I wished he would be equally candid 
on other subjects. 

" And so I am," said he ; "I say what I think on 
all subjects, and if you take any pride in my admis- 
sion respecting the superiority of your gulls, I will go 
a step farther, and say, for your satisfaction, that John 
Bull is all gull." 

" Sir," said I, doubling up a right English fist, 
" what do you mean to insinuate ?" 

" Nothing at all," he replied, with real American 
impudence, " what I say is downright matter of fact." 

" Do you mean to insult me, or my country, or my 
King ?" said I, looking as fiercely as I conveniently 
could. 

"Neither," said he, turning his back upon me with 
the most uncivil air imaginable. 

" I'm glad to hear you say so," I replied, dropping 
my fist, and at the same time dropping the subject, 

1 noticed large schools of porpuses — called by the 
Americanspapoo5e5— sporting about the ship. They 
were, however, quite different from our English por- 
puses, both in shape and size, as well as color. They 
were pea-green, striped with yellow ; and had their 
tails very awkwardly joined to the rear of their bo- 



22 FIBBLETON'S TRAVFLS. 

dies. Their color, however, did not always ap- 
pear to be the same, but varied according as 
they happened to be between us and the sun, or we 
between them and the sun. This, I take it, is a pecu- 
liarity of the American porpuses. It is presumed to 
be indicative of the changeable nature of American 
institutions ; in which there is such remarkable insta- 
bility, that the very brute creation around them, are 
affected, no doubt on tlie, principle of sympathy. 

But what I could not help noticing in particular, 
was, the motion of these porpuses, so different from 
those [ had been accustemed to see in the waters of 
England. They seemed to me to be turning summer- 
sets ; for every time they came to the surface of the 
water, they very uncivilly threw their tails over their 
backs, and then disappeared in a moment. So they 
kept sporting round on all sides of us ; and I thought 
they several times manifested a particular curiosity 
to see who was aboard the ship ; and that they once 
or twice, in an especial manner, fixed their eyes up- 
on me. I did not so much wonder at this, consider- 
ing the high official station I had so lately held under 
His Majesty ; and considering likewise that these poor 
porpuses, in all probability, had never before seen 
any Europeans of much note. But I could not for 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVLES. 23 

the life of me, forgive that rude behavior I have be- 
fore mentioned, and which, after gazing at me, they 
never failed to exhibit, just as they plunged again 
into the briny deep. 



CHAPTER V. 

ENTRANCE OF NEW-YORK HARBOR ALEXANDER, SAW- 

NEY, OR SANDY HOOK LIGHT-HOUSES STATELY 

ISLAND FORTS FATE OF COLUMBUS QUARAN- 
TINE MARINE HOSPITAL AMERICAN CRUELTY 

THE WATER-WITCH. 

The entrance to the harbor of New-York is be- 
tween two islands : the one is called Sandy Hook, and 
the other Coney Island. For the matter of which 
they are composed, both might be denominated sandy, 
for they are mere piles of sand, with here and there a 
shrub or a tuft of wild grass to vary the scene. 

But, after all, the name of Sandy Hook is supposed 
not to be derived from the nature of the soil ; but ra- 
ther from the name of a poor Scotchman, who was 
many years since cast away on the Island. He was 
called Sawney or Sandy, a familiar name for Alexan- 
der — but whether his surname was Hook, or Crook, or 
whether he was not merely the cook of the vessel, I 
could not positively ascertain ; though I inquired of the 
man who keeps the light-house on the Hook, and who, 
for a Yankee, is a man of some little intelligence. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVLES. 25 

Before I leave Sandy Hook, I may as well give 
some account of this light-house, which the keeper^ 
in consideration of my giving him a York shilhng — 
which is about sixpence of our money — condescen- 
ded, with uncommon politeness, considering he is an 
American, to show me. It is a noble edifice, having 
been built as early as the fore part of the reign of 
Richard III., of glorious memory. The walls are of 
solid stone, nineteen feet at the base, and about six- 
teen feet at the top. The whole height of this solid 
and substantial edifice is upwards of two hundred feet, 
and it is ascended by forty-seven flights of stairs. My 
stars ! it makes me puff now at the bare reccollec- 
tion of the fatigue I underwent in climbing them. 

Besides this main light-house, there are from ten 
to twenty others on the Island, which are called 
range-lights. They were however, built by the Ame- 
ricans since the rebellion, and are very contempt- 
ible things, compared with that which was erected 
by His most gracious Majesty, Richard III. 

Passing between Sandy Hook and Coney Island — 
by the by, I forgot to inquire whether this Island is 
inhabited by coneys — we entered the bay ; or rather, 
perhaps I should say, outer bay — for, to tell the truth, 
there is a bay within a bay. What is properly call- 



26 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ed the Bay of New- York, is above the Narrows^ 
a strait which is formed by the approximation of 
Stately Island on the west, and Long Island on the 
east. But why the former should be called Stately Is- 
land, I could not well see ; for though it is somewhat 
elevated from the water, its stateliness is not to be 
compared with the " fast anchored isle" of Great 
Britain. 

At the Narrows, there are one or two forts, so 
called ; and the Americans boast loudly of their 
great strength and efficiency. But as far as I could 
judge from a pretty minute survey from the ship, as 
she passed between them, I should say, as did His 
most gracious Majesty, Richard the Third of England, 
" they were a weak contrivance of the enemy." 
Why, I verily believe a single British frigate would 
blow them to atoms in less than fifteen minutes. 

Besides these forts, there are two or three others, so 
called, very near the ^city. One of these is named 
Fort Columbus, in honor of the builder, a famous En- 
glishman, who, in the thirteenth century, discovered 
New-York. He was seized and put in chains by the 
Yankees, who, having headed him up in a hogshead 
of molasses, sent him home again to his own country. 

Another of these forts is on Bed-fellow*s Island. But 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 27 

it IS a slim affair, and would not stop a cock-boat. 
The only thing that deserves attention here, is the 
name of the Island, of the origin of which, very possi- 
bly some of my fair readers may feel a curiosity to 
inquire. But I regret exceedingly that it is out of my 
power to throw any light on the subject ; and that I 
could not gain any information from the Americans 
on this point. All I know, is, that it is called Bed- 
fellow's Island, and with this I hope my fair readers 
will be satisfied. 

At Stately Island, there is a quarantine, and ma- 
rine hospital. The buildings and grounds, belonging 
to the latter, are very neat and in good condition ; 
but I could not help taking notice of the cruelty of the 
Americans, who keep a poor sailor*'standing day and 
night on the pinnacle of the principal building, to look 
look out for ships ; which, as soon as he sees them 
heave in sight, he is obhged to give notice of, by 
means of a speaking trumpet, which he constantly 
holds in his hand. He is allowed neither pay nor ra- 
tions, nor even so much as a chew of tobacco ; and 
should he ever be known to wink or nod, he would 
be flogged within an inch of his life. The reason of 
this cruelty, as I am informed, is, that the honest tar 
was found giving aid and comfort to His Majesty's 



28 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

loyal subjects in the time of the rebellion; and being 
seized by the bloody republicans, has been condem- 
ned to keep watch, in the manner described, ever 
since. 

On the north end of the Island is the Governor's 
Palace — so it is called — but in truth it is little better 
than a mere cottage. Here the Governor of New- 
York, keeps his court, and gives audience on state af- 
fairs. The present Governor is Peter Love Marcy ; 
and is said to have been chosen in consequence of 
making a present of a pair of breeches, to a majority 
of the voters of the State. It made a great noise at 
the time of the election ; and the minority did what 
they could to rip up the proceedings, declaring that 
the breeches affair was a very great shame, and that 
the governor elect ought to be despoiled forthwith of 
his ill-gotten power. But the majority, having got 
safe possession of the small-clothes, laughed in their 
faces, and told them flatly, they might go and be 
hanged if they pleased. 

After riding quarantine, as it is called here, which 
means sitting astride the main boom of the vessel, for 
fourteen days, we were permitted to come up to the 
city. I should have mentioned that the harbor of 
New York, though much boasted of for its capacity 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 29 

and safety, is chiefly famous for the daring exploits 
oC an old woman, called the Water Witch ; who, 
about fifty years ago, kept the city, then in possession 
of the Dutch, in a constant state of alarm. She was 
not without reason called the Water Witch : for with 
nothing but a wash-tub for a boat, and a broom for 
both mast and sail, she would cross the bay, which is 
ten miles wide, in less than three minutes. There 
was no such thing as taking her, either by force or 
stratagem. She could not be caught napping ; and 
as to taking her by fair sailing, it was utterly out of 
the question. Rip Van Winkle, who was the Gover- 
nor of the State, offered a reward of ten thousand 
guilders, to any person who would bring her dead or 
alive. Several Yankees, tempted by the offer of so 
large a sum of money, undertook to effect it; and she 
was at last taken by a certain cooper, a shrewd fel- 
low, who thus obtained money enough to fill a leath- 
er stocking, which he afterwards kept with a great 
deal of care, but finally lost it in a voyage across the 
Atlantic Ocean, where he was one day robbed and 
murdered by a bravo at Venice. 



CHAPTER VI. 

CITY OF NEW-YORK BY WHOM FOUNDED ITS 

VARIOUS CHANGES ISLAND OF BROOKLINE 

HUTCHINSON FLY BY WHOM IMPORTED CITY 

OF NEW-JERSBY INTERESTING ANECDOTE OF A 

LADY. 

The city of New- York, which is a place of some 
httle commerce, is situated at the mouth of the Hud- 
son's Bay River — som etimes called the North River. 
It was founded by an enterprising tribe of the abori. 
gines, known by the name of the Manhaters ; and 
the island, on which the city is built, is still sometimes 
called the Island of Manhaters. The name is farther 
perpetuated by a banking company, which suppHes the 
city with a peculiar kind of water, well known by 
the appellation of Manhated water. 

From the aboriginal founders, the city was at 
length taken by the Dutch, who fairly smoked the 
inhabitants out of their houses, very much as some 
people are in the habit of smoking rats out of a ship 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 31 

which, by the by, is a very irregular and unscientific 
mode of destroying that species of vermin ; and one 
which no EngHsh rat-catcher would ever be guil- 
ty of. 

From the Dutch the city fell into the hands of the 
Yankees ; from whom it was taken by the Enghsh 
in the revolutionary war ; and who finally ceded it 
to the Americans, at the peace of '83. Since that time 
it has increased considerably in extent, and nearly 
doubled in population. But it has now evidently reach- 
ed the climax of its prosperity ; and must hereafter 
look to see its trade diverted to Nova-Scotia on the 
one hand, and to tlie new and growing city of Com- 
munipaw on the other. 

To the east of New- York is the Island of Brook - 
line, which supplies the city with butter, poultry, 
sweet potatoes, and other vegetables. But the best 
sweet potatoes, as I am credibly informed, are, after 
all, brought from Canada. The States, in fact, are 
more or less dependent upon the British provinces for 
every thing of any value. To be sure they raise 
wheat in considerable quantities, such as it is. But it 
is merely fit for horses — the only good wheat bread 
in the country being made of Enghsh flour. 



32 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

Whether the soil of the United States is not adap- 
ted to wheat; or whether the grain is so much injur- 
ed by the Hutchinson fly, that it is unfit for human 
use, I could not exactly ascertain. Perhaps a little 
of both. At all events, the Hutchinson fly, every 
year, makes doleful ravages with the wheat-field&~ 
sometimes cutting down and carrying ofl* whole acres, 
as clean as the most skilful reaper could effect it. 
This fly, according to the best information I could 
obtain, was first brought into the country by Gover- 
nor Hutchinson, of Massachusetts Bay. His object 
was to injure the Dutch settlements — for the Yankees 
all had a wicked grudge against the Dutch for some 
cause or other — but chiefly, as far as I could make 
out, on account of the Dutch wearing more breeches 
than they. At at any rate, the Massachusetts Con- 
gress voted that the Governor should import the fa- 
mous fly, which has since taken his name. The Go- 
vernor, who, as I understand, was in the main a 
well disposed gentleman, could not do otherwise than 
he was ordered : so the fly was brought over and de- 
posited, in the middle of a dark night, somewhere 
in the Dutch settlements, from whence it soon 
spread all over the country. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 33 

Now this was a real Yankee trick. But liere those 
cunning people entirely overreached themselves. 
They did not consider, that the Hutchinson fly, when 
it came to propagate, would not confine itself to the 
State of New-York, but would spread itself all over 
the land, and remain, as Shakspeare says, 

" to plague the importer." 

Thus, these foolish and narrow-minded people, in 
their zeal to injure the honest Dutchmen, brought 
lasting injury upon themselves — especially as the soil 
and climate of New-England are better adapted to 
wheat, than any other part of the country whatsoever. 

On the west of New- York, is the city of New- Jer- 
sey. It is situated on Paul's Hook, so called, from 
one Peter Paul, a black preacher, who first settled in 
the place. It is a mere bed of clay ; and were not 
the streets better paved than they generally are in 
the American cities, it would be impossible for pedes- 
trians to get their feet out of the mire, or for horses 
to drag an empty vehicle through it. As it is, peo- 
ple sometimes get stuck, especially in the newe r 
streets, which are unpaved. 

As an instance of this, I will relate a story which 
I heard. A lady was one day walking in one of the 



34 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

new streets, when she lost both of her shoes in 
the mud. In stooping down to pull out her shoes, she 
accidently pitched forward, and got both of her hands 
fast in the mud likewise. In this predicament, being 
ashamed to scream, as it was very natural she should, 
she endeavored to extricate herself by her own 
strength. Accordingly, she pulled back with all her 
might, and succeeded in relieving her hands ; but, in 
so doing, she fell backward and sat fast in the mud. 
She was now more ashamed than ever, to scream for 
help — and so endeavored once more to extricate her- 
self by means of her own unassisted strength. 
She therefore gave a sudden and forcible spring, 
in order to disengage her lovely person ; and only 
succeeded, with the loss of part of her dress. In this 
condition she was fortunately seen by an English- 
man, who happened to be viewing the city at the 
time, and who gallantly throwing his cloak over her, 
conducted her in safety to her lodgings. She after- 
wards rewarded him with her heart and hand, 
together with twenty of the principal houses in 
the city. 



CHAPTER VII. 

holt's castle SINGULAR CONTRIVANCE FOR ELE- 
VATING HIS GUESTS 1 TAKE LODGINGS IN THE 

ELEVENTH STORY DIMENSIONS OF THE DINING- 
ROOM DISAGREEABLE CUSTOM OF THE AMERICANS 

THE CASTLE-TOWER, AND ITS TWENTY GUARDS. 

Before I proceed any farther, I ought to state that 
I took lodgings at Holt's Castle, as it is called. And 
indeed, compared with the other diminutive structures 
with which the city generally abounds, it may with 
great propriety be called a castle. It is built of blue 
marble, a little inclining to a bottle-green. The stone, 
as I was informed, was brought from Florida, one of 
the Spanish Provinces ; and really, considering it was 
wrought by an American artist, looks tolerably well 
-—especially when the light strikes it in a favorable 
position. 

The structure is eleven stories high, which is very 
remarkable in America, most of the buildings being 
only from three to five stories. In fact, it looks down 
upon the surrounding buildings, in the same manner 



'66 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

as our most gracious English nobility look down upon 
the peasants beneath them. A great inconvenience, 
however, would attend the height of this building, 
were it not for the machinery, which the landlord 
employs to hoist people up to their different rooms. 
This machinery is carried by water, which I am told 
was obtained by boring thirteen hundred feet into the 
solid rock. It was a work of twenty years, and cost 
not less than half a million sterling, which is equal 
to nearly a million, of New-York currency. 

It is curious to witness the operation of this ma- 
chinery for elevating passengers and baggage ; for, 
to do the Yankees justice, they do not altogether lack 
ingenuity in the mechanical arts. In the first place, 
it puts out a kind of artificial hands, with which it is 
provided, and loads itself with passengers, trunks, va- 
lises, and other baggage. As soon as it has done 
this, at a given signal, it mounts through a common 
opening, to the several stories — stopping regularly 
at each one, in order to leave such passengers or bag- 
gage as happen to occupy rooms in that story. And 
so it proceeds until it has reached the top, when it be- 
gins to descend, stopping in like manner to carry down 
such persons, wdth their baggage, as wish to descend. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 37 

At present it merely moves up and down perpendieu- 
larly ; but it is intended by Mr. Holt, so to alter and 
improve it, that it shall convey his guests directly to 
their several rooms, and also fetch them away when- 
ever they wish to leave them. 

Mr. Holt, I understand, is a descendant of the 
learned Chief Justice Holt, formerly of the King's 
Bench. However this may be, he is certainly a great 
man, and would himself fill a Judge's seat to admira- 
tion. In fact, it was chiefly owing to his very re- 
spectable size, that I at first resolved to take up my 
lodgings at his house. He is the best, and almost the 
only specimen of a plump landlord, I saw during my 
whole stay in America. 

In so large a house as the Castle, it may well be 
imagined there is a great choice of rooms. For my 
own part, I did not stop until I had reached the elev- 
enth story. I had no idea of taking up with any of 
the inferior rooms ; though I was informed that many 
very respectable gentlemen and ladies lodged as low 
down as the sixth story,and some even as low as the fifth. 
But this was rather a matter of necessity on account 
of the crowded state of the house ; and very few per- 
4 



3a. FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

sons, of decided gentility, would choose to lodge be- 
low the seventh story. 

The dining room, which is three hundred and sev- 
enteen feet long, and fifty-four wide, is situated in 
the sixth story, so as to accommodate equally, those 
who room below and those who room above. 
Six tables are ordinarily set from one end of this vast 
dining room to the other. But I cannot abide the 
American custom of so many persons eating together. 
It is barbarous in the extreme. Nay, more, it is in- 
delicate. What can be more so, I would ask, than 
for two or three hundred persons of both sexes, to sit 
ranged along opposite to one another ; so that they 
cannot help peeping into each other's mouths? It is 
a very disagreeable exposure of one's internal affairs. 
But it is not to be wondered at in this country, for re- 
ally these republicans have no idea whatever of any 
thing, except getting money, talking politics, and 
boasting of their own superiority. In one respect, 
however, I must own that they have the advantage 
for they play knife and fork with such dexterity, and 
and keep their mouths so constantly crammed with 
food, that there is very little chance of ever seeing in- 
to their mouths, however much an Englishman might 
be exposed under the Hke circumstances. 



"FIBBLETON'S travels. 39 

Before I conclude my description of Holt's Castle, I 
should mention that it is surmounted by a lofty tower, 
in which are constantly stationed about twenty armed 
men, for the defence of the premises. These are 
chiefly riflemen, who can shoot a ball, from a mile 
and a half to two miles, and hit a York shilling — 
about the size of an English sixpence- — every shot. 
But, like the rest of their countrymen, they are a sa - 
vage and merciless set of men, as I more than once 
had occasion to observe during my short stay at the 
Castle. Indeed I suffered, in sundry instances, from 
the fierce and uncivilized behavior of these rude re- 
publicans. One night — it was not later than ^three o' 
clock— as T was returning to my lodgings, a little glo- 
rious with the fifth bottle, one of the guards from the 
tower hailed me, and demanded in a very insolent 
manner to know why I made such a noise — alleging 
that I would wake up the whole house by such unsea- 
sonable uproariousnes s. 

cij) — n your eyes !" said I, " for an insolent Yan - 
kee puppy ! What is it to you how much noise I make? 
I'm an English gentleman, and have a right to make 
as much noise as I think fit." 

" You're no gentleman/' returned he, " otherwise 



40 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

you would not come home drunk at this late hour, 
disturbing every body with your indecent songs, and 
boisterous behavior. 

*' You be d — d !" said I, " for an unmannerly re- 
publican." And with that I made at him directly, 
up to the tower ; when, instead of levelling his rifle at 
me, as a well disciphned soldier would have done, he 
seized me by the collar of my coat, and the seat of 
my breeches, and sent me head-long down stairs, be- 
fore I had time to think fairly what I was about. 
The next day, I challenged the whole twenty, to go 
and fight me at Hobbikin, which is the place where 
all honorable men among the Americans, go to set- 
tle their disputes in an honorable way. But these 
castle guards, with true Yankee meanness of spirit, 
told me to go to the devil, for they would'nt dirty 
their hands with me. And so, after swearing at them 
awhile, in the true John Bull mode, I prudently con- 
cluded to let the matter drop. 



CHAPTER VIIL 

POPULATION OF NEW-YORK CONTESTS WITH THE IN- 
DIANS PROWESS OF FIELD MARSHALL HAYS 

IMPORTATIONS OF IRISH, TO BALANCE THE YAN- 
KEES PRUDENT POLICY OF THE LORD MAYOR. 

The population of New-York consists of Dutch, 
Yankees, Niggers and Indians. Tlie latter, who em- 
igrated to this place, partly from the East and partly 
from the West Indies, generally go armed with toma- 
hawks, and get their living by plundering the blacks 
and whites. The police have made some forcible at- 
tempts to put them down ; and a severe battle was 
fought, while I was there, between the Indians^ under 
the command of the famous chief Black Hawk ; and 
the whites and niggers, under the command of Old 
Hays, as the field marshall is called. There was 
some hard fighting ; though the Yankees fled, as they 
did in the time of the revolution, at Bunker Hill, Ben- 
nington, and other places. But the blacks and the 
Dutch stood their ground pretty well against the In- 



42 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

dians ; though they finally lost the day through the de- 
fection of their dastardly allies. In charging some of 
the whites with cowardly conduct in that engagement, I 
would particularly except their leader, the celebrated 
Field Marshall Hays. He fought gallantly, even af- 
ter he was deserted by his troops, and repeated charg- 
ed the Indians sword in hand, cutting down their to- 
mahawks and war-clubs, and making creadful havoc 
among their ranks. I saw his eyes strike fire at eve- 
ry blow ; but all his prowess was unavailing. 

In person. Field Marshall Hays is strong and welL 
built, though not very tall. He has a Roman cast 
of features, and very much resembles his Grace, the 
Duke of Wellington. If he would enter into the En- 
glish service, I have no doubt he would meet with 
speedy and honorable promotion. Indeed, I hinted 
as much to him after the close of the above mention - 
ed battle. But, whether he did not rightly under- 
stand me, or whether he felt somewhat irritable in 
consequence of fatigue and the base conduct of his 
Yankee troops, I could not exactly say ; but the only 
answer he made me, was, to go to the devil ! As he 
said this, he put spurs to his horse and rode away ; 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 43 

and I had no opportunity afterwards of asking an ex- 
planation of the rather short answer he had given me. 

The Irish are very numerous in the city of New- 
York — large cargoes of them being imported every 
year, by order of the Lord Mayor, to balance the 
Yankees. If it were not for this, the society would 
be intolerable, for the Yankees, like the Goths and 
Vandals, are c^Jistantly pouring from their hills and 
mo-aatains, into thecity ; iasomuch that the ^ancient 
and honest Dutch population are in great danger of 
being overwhelmed by the torrent. These Yankees 
are certainly the strangest people in the world ; and 
there is no part of the world where they are not to be 
found. 

But the old standard Dutch prefer any thing to a 
Yankee ; hence, the Lord Mayor, who is generally a 
Dutchman, is so careful every year to import great 
numbers of the Irish. By this judicious policy, he is 
able to outvote the Yankees, and thus make sure of 
his own election. Great fault is found in conse- 
quence of this Irish influence, and some regulations 
have been enacted in the State Congress, where the 
Yankees have considerable sway, to prevent foreign- 
ers from voting as soon as they arrive. But the go- 



44 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

vernment of the city snap their fingers at these en- 
actments ; and whenever they want to carry any 
important measure, they forthwith order a new 
importation of Irish, and thus vote the Yankees 
down. 



CHAPTER IX. 

G0VERN3IENT OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK ELEC- 
TIONS POLES SHAKSPEARE HOTEL MY VOTE 

FOR ALDERMAN REJECTED PREJUDICES AGAI]S'ST 

THE ENGLISH. 

The governmeut of the city of New-York is strictly 
republican ; the Lord Mayor being chosen yearly, and 
the Aldermen once in six months. The elections pre- 
sent the most curious scenes imaginable. The jpoles^ 
as they are called — by reason, I suppose, of the votes 
being presented to the inspectors on the end of a long 
pole, it being impossible, in consequence of the crowd 
of sovereign people, to get nearer than two rods — the 
poles, I say, are held usually at some pubhc house, on 
the corner of a street ; where those who vote well — 
that is, attend regularly every day of the election, and 
vote as they are directed — are treated to as much beer 
and whiskey as they can drink. The beer, however, 
as I had occasion to know, is very miserable stuff, be- 
ing quite inferior to that brewed in England. 

I attended one of these elections, and offered my 



46 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

vote. It was at the Shakspeare Hotel, so called in 
consequence of its being kept by a grandson of William 
Shakspeare, _ the immortal bard of Avon. It pained 
me to the heart to think that the descendant of so re - 
nowned a man should be reduced by necessity to en- 
gage in so humble an occupation as that of tavern - 
keeping, and especially among so rude and uncivil- 
ized a people as these democratic Americans. $ 

But, however, as I said, I offered, my vote. It was 
for the Alderman of the second ward. The opposing 
candidates were, a Yankee, by the name of Sharp — 
a very appropriate name ; and a Dutchman who was 
called Van Wykoff. For my part, I inclined to the 
Dutchman, though I never saw him in my life, and 
never heard of him till the time of the election. But 
I did not like the name of Yankee ; and so I offered 
my ballot, inscribed with the name of the Dutch Can- 
didate. It was just about to be received ; when a very 
savage, ill-looking fellow, called in question my right 
of voting, and asked me if I was a citizen of the United 
States, 

" Certainly," I replied, " I've now been here up- 
wards of three days ; and if that does not constitute a 
citizen, I must confess I am ignorant of your laws." 

^' Then you are ignorant indeed, " said he, " for our 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 47 

laws require a foreigner to have been in this country 
five years before he can become a citizen." 

" If that's the case," said I, " you may choose your 
own aldermen, and be hanged to you, for what I care." 
Thus having showed, what 1 considered, a proper re- 
sentment, I turned my back upon them, and never of- 
fered to aid at any of their elections afterwards. I 
cannot help thinking my vote was slighted because 
I was an Englishman, for I heard several Irishmen 
boasting that they had voted in two days after their 
arrival. But the Americans are no friends to the 
English, particularly ever since they whipped them 
so at the famous battle of Saratoga, 



CHAPTER X. 

PUBLIC F.UILDINGS IN NEW-YORK PARK THEATRE 

POVEY PLASSEED MISS KEMBLE THE ANDERSON 

PvIOT PUMPKINS, GLASS BOTTLES, ETC. A CORPS 

OF S FITTERS EFFECT OF MRS. TROLLOPe's BOOK. 

There are no public buildings of much note, in the 
city, except Park Theatre and the Bridewell. The 
former of these was built by the Dutch, in the days 
of Wouter Van Twiller, the Second. This is very 
evident to the most casual observer of its architecture, 
which is certainly very unique; and if it be not of 
the real Gothic-Dutch style, I know not what to 
call it. 

This elegant edifice is situated a little to the east 
of the Park, v/hich belongs to the Lord Mayor. 
Hence it is called the Park Theatre. It is at pre- 
sent under the management of Mr. Simpkins, assisted 
hy one Price. Nevertheless, I could not find that 
the price, as one would suppose, was at all uniform ; 
for the first night I attended, they only charged me 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 49 

half a dollar for the pit ; whereas, the next time, on 
going into the boxes, I was compelled to pay a dollar. 
However, 1 generally preferred the pit, not only on 
account of its cheapness, but because it is there that 
the most respectable persons are to be found — par- 
ticularly the critics, and all men of judgment, taste, 
and sound discretion. 

The principal performer at this theatre, and indeed 
the only one who has given it much eclat, is the cele- 
brated Mr. Povey. His forte is chiefly in the higher 
walks of the mellow-drama ; though he sometimes 
condescends to appear in tragedy. He is a man of 
rather small stature ; but like the immortal Garrick, 
he appears to grow with his subject, and becomes ac- 
tually great on great occasions. 

There is one Mr. Plasseed, who is much admired 
and lauded by the Americans ; but for what reason, 
except that he is a native, I could never understand. 
He could play nothing but comedy, and that with so 
little art or skill, that I'll be hanged if he did not 
make me think I actually saw the natural character 
before me, instead of a well-trained and accomplished 
performer. 

I saw Miss Kemble on the Park boards. But I was 
5 



50 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

very much disappointed. Whether it was that the 
atmosphere of this republican country had a deterior- 
ating influence ; or whether she did not think it nee- 
essary to exert herself before an American audience, 
I know not ; but certainly her acting was quite infe- 
rior to what I had often seen it on the London boards. 

While I am on this subject, I cannot help mention- 
ing a very disagreeable riot, that took place at the 
Park Theatre, on account of the celebrated vocaHst, 
Mr. Anderson. It seems, that in crossing the Atlan- 

tic, he had very liberally and gratuitously d d 

the Yankees, as every Englishman has a right to do. 
This was his only oflence ; and yet the Americans 
took it so much in dudgeon, that they swore he 
should never perform on their stage. Accordingly, 
they laid their plans ; and, on the first night of his ap. 
pearance, they went in a solid body, prepared with 
apples, oranges, pumpkins, glass bottles, and other 
missiles, to pelt him from the boards. 

As soon as he made his appearance, they cried, 
"Off! off!" and the first he knew, by George, he 
knew nothing ; for dash came a large pumpkin against 
his head, and stretched him lifeless on the floor. In 
this condition, he was carried behind the scenes ; 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 51 

where, after a liberal use of hartshorn and brandy, he 
recovered. 

Not willing to be driven off in this way, with true 
English spirit, he ventured once more upon the stage. 
But the wrath of the Americans was not yet appeas- 
ed. They next assailed him with apples, glass bot- 
tles, and the like; crying out, at the throwing of each 
missile, " There's for you ! Mr. John Bull. Now 
d — n the Yankees, will you ?" 

These missiles, however, he contrived to dodge very 
well^yor he is a man of great agility. But what 
annoyed him most, was, a corps of spitters— who, be- 
ing amply provided with tobacco, had stationed them- 
selves in the stage boxes ; from whence they squirted 
their villanous juice with such effect, that in a very 
short time, he was fairly drenched with it. Besides, 
his eyes were filled with the acrid substance, which 
some of the most expert marksmen among the spit- 
ting corps, had aimed so exactly as to shoot into them. 
This being a mode of attack, which he was altogether 
unaccustomed to, he was finally driven from the 
stage. 

The Americans are certainly the most determined 
and persevering spitters that ever existed. But I am 



52 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

told that Mrs. Trollope has effected a very considera- 
ble change in this respect ; and that many persons 
who, previous to the publication of her book, were very 
notorious offenders, have since entirely abandoned the 
filthy practice. Indeed the Americans are under very 
great obligations to that much abused lady, whose 
very name is now a terror to evil-doers, and which 
they hear pronounced with the same affright that a 
naughty child does that of the most terrific bug- bear, 
or a naughty man does that of Old Nicholas himself. 
Would that these humble pages might contribute in 
any measure, to aid the reformation so happily begun. 



CHAPTER XL 

KEW-YOEK BRIDEWELL CRUELTY OF THE AMERI- 
CANS TO THE EX-MAYOR OF LONDON 1 VISIT HIM 

IN PRISON, AND THROUGH A SLIGHT MISTAKE, 

AM NEARLY THROTTLED TO DEATH HIS SEVERE 

BUT JUST INVECTIVE AGAINST THE WHOLE NA- 
TION. 

I OBSERVED in the last chapter, that the Bridewell, 
next to the Park Theatre, was one of the principal 
public buildings in the city of New-York. It is situ- 
ated in the Park, and is a very extraordinary speci- 
men of architectural beauty and grandeur. The or- 
der I could not indeed well make out ; but the mate- 
rials, and the workmanship, all things considered, are 
very surprising ; aud the New-Yorkers, as I am told 
they are, have just reason to be proud of it. 

But not so of their conduct to a certain Englishman, 
whom they kept confined here, on suspicion of debt, 
and fed on nothing but bread and water. This un- 
fortunate gentleman was no other than the celebra- 
ted Joseph Parkinson, Esq., Ex-Mayor of London. 
5* 



54 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

He, like myself, being smit with the love of Ameri- 
can institutions at a distance, had emigrated to the 
United States, to find all those flattering ideas he had 
once entertained, vanish into thin air. He had come 
to the country rich ; but the Americans, with that 
dexterity for which they are renowned, were contriv- 
ing every method, which Yankee ingenuity could de- 
vise, to fleece him of his money. 

At one time, they would sue him for slander ; and 
then, if he discovered so much of a manly spirit 
as to fall upon them, and beat them soundly, they 
would immediately prosecute him for assault and bat- 
tery. I need not mention on what very trivial grounds 
various suits of both kinds were brought, nor in 
favor they terminated. Suffice it to say, that both 
judge, jury, and plaintiff* were Americans, and that 
the defendant was a stranger and an Englishman. 

Finding that they could not get entire possession 
of his money by means of these suits^ the enemies of 
the Ex-Mayor next procured a commission of lunacy ; 
seized upon all his notes, mortgages, bonds, and ef- 
fects-, and finally concluded by shutting him up in 
the Bridewell — not, however, until he had knocked 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 55 

down the Sheriff of the city, five deputies, and ten 
constables ; for he is a man of mighty strength, and 
has a fist that could easily floor un ox. But what, 
alas ! can human, and even English strength avail, 
when exerted against vastly superior numbers ? The 
Ex- Mayor was at length secured, and confined to the 
dungeons of the Bridewell ! 

In this situation I visited him. As I entered his 
cell, taking me no doubt, for one of his persecutors, 
he seized me by the throat and exclaimed, " You 
bloody villain you ! who have you been murdering 
now ? And what the devil do you want of me ? Can no 
place in the world be free from your intrusions 1 Must 
you even follow me into my very dungeon, you infer- 
nal Yankee scoundrel you ?" 

" Hold ! hold !" I exclaimed, nearly choked to 
death. 

" Hold 1 Curse you ! so I will hold," he replied, 
rather tightening than relaxing his grasp. 

I should soon have gone for it, for I was now una - 
ble by speech to convince him of his mistake, had 
not the keeper interfered, and rescued me from his 
grasp. As it was, so severe had been the pressure of 
his fingers on my throat, that I carried the mark for 



56 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

three weeks. As soon, however, as the Ex-Mayor 
was made sensible of his error, he rendered a suita- 
ble apology for his violence ; and understanding that 
I was an Englishman, he grasped me warmly by the 
hand, and invited me to to take a seat beside him on 
the cold stone floor of the dungeon. 

*'And so," said he, when he had sufficiently recovered 
from his emmotion, " here we are a couple of English 
fools together — fools ! did I say ? No, I'm merely a 
lunatic. At least, so the infernal savages of New- 
York, will have it — and they have put me into this 
cursed dungeon, for a madmaUo But, d — n 'em! 
they shall find I'm mad to some purpose — the base 
wretches and conspirators — I'll crush them and their 
machinations, before I've done — they'll get enough of 
the Ex-Mayor of London, or I'm mistaken. Here 
I've been kept for six months in this filthy jail, by 
the most diabolical conspiracy, that ever was hatched 
in the depths of h — 11. I, who have saved the lives 
of innocent people, condemned to death — I have be- 
come the victim of a conspiracy in a land of liberty ! 
I came here, with the most enthusiastic feelings for 
the Americans — as I dare say you have, Mr. Fib- 
bleton — but you're a d — d fool — you're a lunatic — 
vou're more crazy than I am. As for these infernal 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 57 

Yankees, the laws protect them in their villany. 
There is no more chance here for an EngHshman, 
than there is for a cat in h — 11, without claws. The 
whole country is one great nest of lawyers and profli- 
gates. Under pretence of defending me from the 
charge of lunacy, they have laid a plan to prey upon 
me — to devour me — to eat me up. But I'll defeat 
the scoundrels yet — the villains, to dare to call them- 
selves my friends ! They are no friends of mine. I 
need no lawyers to defend me — I can defend myself — 
dont interrupt me sir — I wont bear interruption. I'm 
an English gentleman! a British subject! and these 
rascally Americans have no right to interfere with 
my property, even if I was mad. The character of 
this country, bad as it was before, is disgraced by 
their conduct to me. I will convict the whole nation 
of perjury, from the least to the greatest — from the 
lawyer to the judge — from General Jackson, down 
to Martin Van Buren. I Hke to punish rogues. I 
was put in jail for having thrashed a tailor — would 
to heaven I had thrashed him ! — Previous to my com- 
ing here, I liked this country better than any country 
in the world — and now, the ungrateful wretches ! the 
whole country have conspired against me. The press 
has libelled me. The courts have held nightly or- 



58 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

gies, listening to vile slanders against me. But I'll 
bring their noses to the grindstone. Ah ! when I was 
leaving England, the Marquis of Anglesea, and Sir 
William Curtis, shook me by the hand and said, " Par- 
kinson, why do you leave us? why do you leave your 
native country, to go to an imaginary land." But, 
madman that I was ! I came away. But I'm not mad 
now — I'm in my sober senses. Ah ! since I've 
been in jail, Rowland Stephenson has been in New- 
York. He would not have dared to come here ; but 
he knew that I was shut up in jail, for thumping a 
tailor, whom I never touched — otherwise he would not 
have come ; lest he should have to disgorge my money 
— the rascally robber ! the fugitive from justice ! But 
here he is protected by the dumb-feed lawyers. The 
country have not energy to punish the numerous 
rogues that are in it. I have been beset by ruffians 
in prison — when I wanted the refreshment of a glass 
of beer, the scoundrel of a jail-keeper, denied me."* 

The devil is said to be ever near, when you are 
talking about him ; and so it happened in this case — 

* The above speech, as near as we can recollect, very much 
resembles one we heard delivered by the ex-Sherift' of London 
in his defence before a certain com-t in this city ; and we suspect 
the ex-barber must have mistaken the place where he heard it, 
as well as the name of the gentleman who delivered it. Am, Ed. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. "^ 

for the jailer was no sooner mentioned, than he ap- 
peared, and told the Ex-Mayor of London to desist 
from abusing him. At this, Parkinson flew into a vio- 
lent passion, as he had reason to, and would have 
knocked the jailer down, could he have fairly reach- 
ed him. But missing the jailer, he made a grab at 
me ; when I dexterously moved myself out of his 
reach, and wondered he should think of using violence 
against a subject of His most Gracious Majesty. 

"D — n His most Gracious Majesty!" he exclaim- 
ed — " what have I to do with him, I owe him no- 
thing." 

" Pardon me, sir," said I, '' but methinks you owe 
him civility, if not allegiance." 

Hereupon, he began to rave like a bedlamite^ 
swearing he owed no man, either civility or alle- 
giance. He exclaimed against every kind of govern- 
ment, against every country, and against the 
whole human race. After he had thus gone the 
world over, he returned back to me — calling me His 
Majesty's toad-eater ; and demanding why I had come 
from England, if I liked the country so well? " How- 
ever," said he, " Im glad you are in prison, but I 
don't want you in my room — so clear yourself out, 



60 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

very quick — you're a greater fool than I, and that's 
needless. Out with you, I say !" 

Finding the Ex-Mayor in this humor, I pretty soon 
made my exit. If he was not insane when put in, I 
am sure it was enough lo make any man so, to be con- 
fined in that miserable dog-hole ; and I have no doubt, 
but what the mad starts he exhibited, such as seizing 
me by the throat, d— ning His Majesty, and the like, 
were the effects of the persecutions he had suffered 
from these vile republicans. 



CHAPTER XII. 

PRINCIPAL STREETS IN NEW- YORK BROADWAY 

OMNIBUSES HOG-TEAMS BOWERY CHATHAM-ST. 

ANECDOTE OF THE THEATRE THAMES-STREET 

^MR. REYNOLDS CENTRE-STREET MAIDEN LANE, 

OCCUPIED ENTIRELY BY OLD MAIDS. 

The principal street in New-York is Broadway, It 
was so christened, 1 understand, by the clergymen, in 
consequence of so great crowds of people walking along 
it, as it were on the way to destruction. This was 
some years ago. The habits of its frequenters have 
somewhat improved since that time ; but the street has 
got a name which it will not easily get rid of. It is, 
however, in the main, a very decent street, as well as 
a very long one. 

But what most struck me, was the great number of 
omnibuses, or — as they call them here — stages, which 
constantly ply on this street. One of them in a particu- 
lar manner I could not help noticing — partly from its 
peculiar structure — having five wheels — and partly 
6 



62 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

from its name — being called after Diederich Knicker- 
bocker, the great Dutch Historian. 

All these stages, however, are dignified with some 
name or other : one being called after General Gates., 
who was so severely flogged at Saratoga, in the re- 
volutionary war ; another is called after General Put- 
nam, the famous Connecticut farmer, who, after per- 
forming a great many wonderful exploits, was finally 
carried by a she-bear to her den, and never afterwards 
heard of; another bears the name of General Jack- 
son, who is now Chief President of the United States, 
to which high office he was raised in consequence of 
killing a few hundred British in a slight skirmish which 
happened at New-Orleans, just after the close of the 
last war. 

But it would be endless to mention all the names of 
these vehicles. They are mostly drawn by horses. 
This, however, is not invariably the case, for I saw 
several which were moved by hogs. This may ap- 
pear somewhat strange to the English reader ; but I 
assure him it is no uncommon thing to see a dozen 
swine harnessed to one vehicle, crowded with the 
beauty and fashion of the city. In fact, the swine 
make much the best and most profitaable teams : for 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 0« 

they are kept at less expense than the horses ; and 
besides, when they are past labor, they are turned in- 
to pork for the use of the common people. I must 
say, however, that it seems cruel thus to slaughter 
these faithful animals, after they have labored long 
and hard for the benefit of their masters. But the 
Americans, as I had frequent occasion to observe, are 
very nearly, if not quite, destitute of all feeling. 

Besides Broadway, another of the principal streets 
is called the Bowery ; though why it is so called, I 
could not perceive, for there is neither tree, shrub, 
vine, nor any thing whereof to make a bower, in the 
whole street. The only thing worthy of note here 
is the rail road, which runs to a very famous estab- 
lishment, called Cato^s. To this place all the beauty 
and fashion of New- York repair ; and it is to them 
what Ranelagh is to the people of London. 

Chatham-street is named after the great Earl of 
Chatham ; and is the resort of most of the dashing 
young blades of the city. The main object of these 
gentry, is to get rid of a superfluous watch, coat, or 
hat ; and to get the money in exchange. The inha- 
bitants of this street are mostly of the tribe of Judah ; 
as any body may be satisfied by going into their 



64 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS, 

shops, as well on account of their dealings, as their 
long beards, which reach to the bottom of their waists. 
There is nevertheless, a Christian church in this 
street. It was formerly a theatre ; and the manner 
in which it was converted into a church, or chapel,, 
is somewhat curious. As near as I could learn, the 
case was this : One evening, in the play of The Wo- 
man and the Devil, when the representative of his 
Satanic Majesty was expected to appear, in came the 
real old Clooty himself, with all his paraphernalia of 
flames, brimstone, pitchfork, and the like. He did 
not indeed offer any sort of violence ; he merely sat 
down, and crossing one leg over the other, deliber- 
ately lighted a segar on the end of his nose, and be- 
gan to puff away. But his appearance was so much 
against him, that the people presently ran out of the 
theatre in a fright ; and never afterwards could be in- 
duced to attend, until it was turned into a church ; 
since which, as far as I could learn, the devil has ne- 
ver been known to appear, though considerable at- 
tempts have been made to raise him. 

Next to Chatham-street, in point of dignity and im- 
portance, I should mention Thames-street. Th& 
name gives rise to agreeable associations in the mind of 
an Englishman. But what chiefly recommends it, ia, 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 65 

the house of Mr. Reynolds, an Englishman, and a 
great-grand-son of the distinguished painter, Sir Josh- 
ua. In fact, I understand he is no bungler at paint, 
ing a face himself; though it is believed he colours 
rather high, particularly the nose. But painting is 
not professedly his occupation, for he keeps an ale- 
house. Here the only real English ale in the United 
States is to be found ; and here all the principal men 
in New-York — I mean those who possess any taste-^ 
are wont to congregate. But I must confess it gave 
me pain to see this second instance of the descend- 
ant of a great man, obliged to follow so humble a 
calling, for subsistence, as that of ministering to the 
drouthy appetites of his fellow creatures. 

Centre-street is so called, from its being the centre 
of business. This indeed is its chief recommendation ; 
for it is neither clean, nor well located, if I may be 
allowed the use of a Yankee term. A long dirty ca- 
nal runs through the middle of it ; which, though 
scarcely deep enough for boats, affords ample water, 
such as it is, for the wallowing of swine — which 
when not harnessed to the stage-coaches, find an 
agreeable lounge in this muddy channel. 

Maiden Lane derives its name from the remurka- 



66 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ble .circumstance, of its being wholly inhabited by old 
maids. Those unfortunate persons, by a law of the 
city, are compelled, after they arrive to the age of 
thirty, to separate themselves from the rest of their 
fellow-beings, and reside wholly in this street. ThiQ 
penalty for the violation of this law, is, that whatsoev- 
er old maid is caught out of the prescribed limits— ex- 
cept for the necessary purpose of going to church, to 
market, or a shopping — shall be liable to be kissed 
by whatsoever old bachelor shall chance to 
meet her wandering from the said Hmits. Notwith- 
standing the severity of this penalty, however, I am 
told that there are very frequent violations of the law. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

SINGULAR MODE OF CLEANING THE STREETS ACCU- 

MULATION OF FILTH EDITORIAL REMONSTRANC- 
ES INDEPENDENCE OF THE CORPORATION EF- 
FECTS OF A COPIOUS SHOWER PERILS FROM THE 

DIRT-MOUNTAINS MODE OF LIGHTING THE STREETS. 

They have a very singular mode of cleaning the 
streets in New- York, — which is no other than this. 
Each householder sweeps before his own door, lodging 
the dirt on the premises of his neighbor. His neigh- 
bor again does the like good turn for him, and sweeps 
back this dirt, together with his own, upon] the premi- 
ses from whence it originally came. And so they 
keep sweeping to and fro continually — each one ac- 
comodating his neighbor with his own dirt ; and his 
neighbor in turn doing the like good offices for him. 

The consequence, as may naturally be imag. 
ined, is, that the filth is accumulated moutain-high. 
Such being the case, it is exceedingly difficult for the 
stage-coaches, and other vehicles, to navigate through 
the streets. They are frequently upset by runuing 



68 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

upon the side of one of these dirt banks ; and great in- 
jury is done both to the vehicles and passengers. 

The editors of the city papers are constantly berat- 
ing the Lord Mayor and the Corporation, on account 
of this condition of the streets ; but all to no purpose. 
His Lordship pays no attention to these complaints of 
the newspapers, and the Aldermen snap their fingers 
at the whole editorial corps. In fact, the only mode 
by which the streets of New- York are ever thorough- 
ly cleansed, is, by the rain from heaven ; and this can 
only operate effectually in those streets which have a 
considerable descent to the waters on each side of the 
city. Where the situation of the land is thus favorable, 
a smart shower will often do wonders, sweeping down 
whole mountains of dirt, and lodging them securely in 
the docks. It is no uncommon thing, in a copious show- 
er — such as they have in America — to see these moun- 
tains come tumbling down, one after another, and over- 
turning every thing in their way, until they reach 
their destination at the foot of the streets. 

It is then a time of great danger, and the stoutest 
hearts are appalled at the fearful exhibition. Senti- 
nels are then placed along the streets to warn pas- 
sengers of their perilous situation. Notwithstanding 
this precaution, however, very serious accidents hap- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 69 

pen, to several of which I was an eye-witness during 
my short stay in the city. 

I recollect, on one occasion, standing on the stoup, 
ns they call it, of the Exchange Hotel, in Broad-street. 
I had turned aside thither, as 1 was passing, partly to 
avoid the rain, and partly to escape the danger of the 
dirt-mountains. And it was well I did, for I had no 
sooner secured myself, than down came one of these 
huge piles ; and, notwithstanding the sentinels ex- 
claimed, " Look out ! look out !" two of the Green- 
wich stages, together with the drivers, and the old 
racks of horses, were swept away into the East river. 
Fortunately, the drivers were able to swim, and so 
*hey escaped with their lives. But the carriages and 
horses not being possessed of this happy faculty, were 
utterly lost. A hackney-coach and two wheel-bar- 
rows, were involved in the same catastrophe. In the 
hack was unfortunately a beautiful lady, who, though 
finally dragged out alive by the gallantry of an En- 
glish sailor, lost her bonnet, her curls, and her teeth ; 
which latter fell out of her mouth, in consequence of 
the horrible fright she underwent while the carriage 
was rolling, and tumbling, and whirling through the 
streets, on its passage to the river. The bonnet and 
one of the wheel-barrows were finally picked up in 



70 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

Buttermilk Channel ; but the curls and the teeth, to- 
gether with the other wheel-barrow, the hackney- 
coach, and two dandies were never more seen. 

The mode of lighting the principal streets is scarce- 
ly less singular than that of cleaning them. They 
have in America a species of insect, called a light- 
ning-bug. It is not above an inch in length, from 
stem to stern, as sailors would say ; and, during the 
night, carries a small lantern in its poop. With these 
singular insects, the city authorities light the streets^ — 
employing men nightly to catch them and fasten them 
by the neck to the various lamp-posts scattered up 
and down the city. 

From the first quarter of the moon,'however, to the last 
quarter of the same, these insect-lamps are not Hght- 
ed, even though the weather should be cloudy, and 
the night as dark as Egypt : for the city authorities, 
though they every year lay out from two o three 
thousand dollars of the people's money for ci Corpo- 
ration dinner, are exceedingly economical in the mat- 
ter of lighting the streets, as well as cleaning them. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

I SINK THE BARBER, AND GET INTO GOOD SOCIETY 

SPEND MY MONEY LIKE A GENTLEMAN, BEGIN 

TO GROW SHORT, AND RESOLVE TO MARRY AN 

HEIRESS OUT OF THREE CHARMERS, AM PUZZLED 

WHICH TO CHOOSE MAKE A SELECTION, AND 

FALL INTO A DETECTION, WHICH IS FOLLOWED 
BY AN EXPLOSION. 

I DID not, on my first arrival in New- York say a 
word about my tonsorial profession. I wished in the 
first place to learn something of the habits, manners, 
and customs of the people ; and I thought my chance 
of getting into the higher circles would probably he 
best, if I sunk the barber and appeared before them in 
the character of an English gentleman. This title i* 
sufficient to carry a man any where in America ; and 
the ladies in particular are excessively fond of paying 
attention to such as bear it. 

The soundness of a foreigner's pretensions is seldom 
looked into ; and the followers of the most inferior 
craft in England, may pass very well for first rate 



72 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

gentlemen in America, provided they boldly assume 
the air, dress, and pretensions of that class of men. 
I would not insinuate by this, that 1 think even the 
mechanics of England are inferior to people of the 
first rank in America. Far otherwise ; and more 
especially such artists as myself, who have had the 
honor of being employed in the royal palace, and 
who have been favored with the countenance of His 
most royal Majesty. 

Nevertheless, one is obliged to have some regard 
to the prejudices of the people he is among ; and tho 
leading republicans of America, notwithstanding 
their great pretensions to perfect equality among all 
ranks, would sooner be hanged than associate with 
an English barber, even though they knew he had 
figured in the royal palace, and been entrusted with 
the royal chin. 

For these reasons, I concluded to sink the barber, 
and appear in the character of a gentleman. I had 
other motives too, which were not without their influ- 
ence. I had heard how easily Englishmen might rise 
to fame and fortune in the new world ; and I had some 
very extravagant, though rather vague ideas, of 
shortly becoming both a great and a rich man. How 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 17 ^ 

this was to be brought about — whether it was to be 
accomplished by politics, or matrimony, or by what 
other mode, I had not well settled in my own mind. 

Unfortunately while I was debating on this sub- 
ject, my money was growing short. I had indeed 
brought with me a tolerable sum ; but the Yankees 
have such a knack of getting away a foreigner's 
money, that, unless he is as rich as Croesus, he will 
in a very short time find his pockets empty. Be- 
sides, in addition to my necessary expenses, I had 
laid out my money freely, and altogether like a gentle- 
man, in wine, women, oysters, coach-hire, and the 
like ; having formed acquaintance with several high 
bucks of New-York, who were perfectly willing that 
I should pay the sum total of all the expenses in 
which our common pleausures daily involved us. 

I saw how my money was going ; and began to 
think it advisable to pick up a stray heiress, before 
my means were entirely spent. To tell the truth, I 
had two or three pretty creatures in my eye — I say 
pretty, because, though they had nothing to boast of 
in point of personal beauty, they were understood to 
be well endowed with solid charms — such as a pru- 
dent man, and especially a widower of thirty-seven, 
is naturally most anxious to secure. 



■14 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

But a man, who has several strings to his bow, may 
sometimes be in doubt which to use ; and such was 
exactly my case. One of my lovely charmers was 
the daughter of a rich merchant, lately deceased. 
She was not above twenty-three ; but was hump- 
backed and lame. Another was an ancient maiden- 
ly lady, who had, for upwards of thirty years, been 
reserving her hand and fortune, for the first gallant 
and enterprising individual, who should have the cou- 
rage to claim them. The third, was a widow of 

orty, and was the best looking of the three. 

I had ascertained, by a little judicious flirtation, 
that I could have either of them for the asking. In 

act, they were all vastly fond of me ; and ready to 
pull caps, to see who should carry the day, by carry- 
ing me off. For my part, being a man of great gal- 
antr}'' as well as humanity, it was very painful to my 
feelings, to reflect that I could not marry them all ; 
and that whenever I made my final selection, I should 
break the hearts of at least two of them. 

But setting these feelings aside, I was in somewhat 
of a quandary which to choose. The widow, as I 
said, was the best looking of the three ; but had not 
so much money as either of the others. The lame 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 76 

hump-backed girl was both the youngest and richest ; 
but on the whole I was rather inclined to the old maid, 
as being likely to die first. In fact my money was so 
far spent, that it was high time for me to make a se- 
lection. My pockets began to need a sudden recruit, 
and cried out for me to make an immediate bargain 
with one or the other of my charmers. 

Having resolved upon the old maid, I repaired one 
evening to her house in order to make my declara- 
tion. I found her alone, and seizing the propitioua 
moment, and her delicate hand at the same time, I 
fell on my knees and began to pour forth my whole 
soul in the accents of love. She at first turned mo- 
destly away to hide her blushes, but did not withdraw 
her hand. Taking this for a favorable omen, I pressh- 
ed my suit with the utmost ardor — declaring how 
deeply I loved her, and urging her by every argument, 
which either ingenuity or gallantry could devise, to 
make me the happy man. 

She at last smiled sweetly upon me, and was on the 
very point of opening her mouth to speak, when the 
door suddenly opened, and in came her rival, the 
widow. By heavens, what an explosion 1 As sooa 
as she beheld me on my knees, she exclaimed — 



76 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

" Well ! well ! Mr. Fibbleton, you're caught at 
last, are you ?" 

I felt myself caught indeed. I really liked the wi- 
dow tot^rably well, and had paid her more attention 
than either of her rivals ; but, just at this time, I had 
rather have seen the devil himself than her. As it 
was, I endeavored to put the best face I could upon 
the matter. Getting up leisurely from my knees, I 
begged, in the coolest manner possible, to know to 
what happy circumstance I owed the pleasure of see- 
ing her just at that particular time. 

** Happy circumstance!" she exclaimed — "Yes, 
Mr. Fibbleton, I dare say you think it a happy cir- 
cumstance, to break the heart of a poor widow, that 
you as good as promised — " 

"Promised, ma'am! my conscience!" 

" Your conscience ! — You have no conscience. 
You've broke my heart — yes you have — you're a bar- 
barous creature." 

^^ Bar-barber -ous\" I exclaimed, struck with unac- 
ountable amazement at the sound of the word. " Bar- 
ber-ous ! do you say," I repeated, gasping at the 
same time for breath. "Who t-t-told you I was a 
barber ?" 



FiBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 77 

** A barber !" screeched the old maid — " a barber 
pretend to make love to me ! — a barber imprint his 
filthy kisses on my hand, and ask me to marry him 
— O ! I shall faint — I shall faint — give me my smell- 
ing bottle, do ! Oh, me ! a barber !" 

The widow set in too, and began to ring her chang- 
es on the barber. She wondered she could be so 
blind as not to be able to distinguish a barber from a 
gentleman. "Oh, Lord!" she exclaimed, "how 
very strange it is that decent people should be taken 
in by such low-lifed creatures ! Faugh, how he 
smells !" 

"Smells!" said I, beginning now to recover the 
free use of my tongue. " I'm sure, madam, it is pure 
musk as ever grew ; besides if I smelt so very bad as 
you pretend. His Majesty would'nt have employed me 
as he did, for fifteen years, about his most gracious 
nose." 

" Most gracious fiddlestick !" said the widow, turn- 
ing up her own nose, " What do I care for His Ma- 
jesty 1 or His Majesty's subjects ? You are all a nas- 
ty set of creatures from the King downwards. What 
I wonder at, is, that I should have been for a moment 
7* 



78 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

deceived by such a contemptible creature as you are. 
I might have known you was a barber, by those filthy 
mustaches." 

" Filthy ! do you call 'em ?" 

" Yes, indeed they are filthy," chimed in my late 
gentle dulcinea, the old maid ; " and Fm shocked at 
myself for letting you presume to apply your filthy 
lips to my hand. Here, Rose !" speaking to a nigger 
girl, " fetch me some soap and water instantly. Augh ! 
what nasty things mustaches are?" 

" The devil !" said I, " ladies, you'll drive me mad. 
Do you mean to insult me, or the fashions of my coun- 
try ? The very first gentlemen, let me tell you, wear 
mustaches." 

" The more fools they !" said the widow. " Oh, 
shocking ! how could I endure a husband with mus- 
taches ? how could I bear to lay my head on the same 
pillow with such a beastly looking man ? 

" Oh, fie !" said the old maid — " don't mention such 
a thing ; I would sooner sleep with the old cat, than 
with such a horrid looking creature." 

" Well, ladies," said I, twirling my mustaches with 
great nonchalance, " your taste seems to be mightily 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 79 

changed within the last half hour. A little while ago, 
by heavens, you were ready to eat me up, out of 
pure love." 

" Eat you !" exclaimed the widow, spitting in the 
true American style, " I would as soon eat a toad as 
you." 

" But a little while ago," resumed I, " you were 
ready to claw out each other's eyes for my sake ; 
and now all at once, you join in abusing, me. But I 
should like to be informed of one thing, and that i^, 
how you discovered that I was a barber ?" 

" Why, you let out the secret yourself, not half an 
hour ago." 

" Is it possible then, that you had no suspicion be- 
fore, and that I have been such a fool as to betray 
myself? Well," continued I, exhibiting as much in- 
difference as possible, " one thing I'm sorry for, and 
that is that I could'nt fairly have got possession of 
the fortune of one of you, before you had discovered 
my tonsorial profession. I could then have bid defi- 
ance to all your rudeness and incivility. Those may 
laugh that win." 

" You'll never win," said the widow, " any 
thing better than a mop-squeezer. You pretend 



80 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

to pass yourself off for a respectable man, and 
make love to a respectable woman ! and all for mo- 
ney too !" 

"I should be a fool indeed," said I, " to think of 
marrying a fat old widow of forty, or a lean old maid 
of fifty, unless they had something more to recora- 
mend them than their personal charms." 

" A lean old maid of fifty !" screamed my virgin 
charmer — "get out of the house this instant, and ne- 
ver show your nasty whiskered face here again. Get 
out, I say, you brute." 

With that, she seized the broom, and began to 
make demonstration of driving me out. The widow 
likewise joined in, by grasping the tongs. 

Seeing my two lovely charmers thus disposed — 
and taking their demonstrations for a sufficient hint, 
that my presence was no longer desirable, I forthwith 
commenced a retreat, which I executed with as much 
order as the particular urgency of the case would 
admit. 

In truth, these American women are altogether 
deficient in the virtues of politeness, civility and 
good-breeding ; as well as in beauty, grace, and 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 81 

Other personal accomplishments ; and, though I re- 
gretted it at the time, it is perhaps as well on 
the whole, that my matrimonial project was de- 
feated. 



CHAPTER XV. 

I AM BLOWN ADVERTISED IN THE NEWSPAPERS- 
SHUNNED BY GOOD SOCIETY DESERTED BY MY 

ACQUAINTANCE INSULTED BY WAITERS AND BOOT- 
BLACKS. 

My tonsorial secret being in possession of two fe- 
males, to think of further concealment, was now out 
the question. The thing was blown over the whole 
city the very next morning. Indeed it appeared in 
two or three of the morning papers, headed in differ- 
ent ways, and varying, according to the whim of the 
reporter, or the humor of the editor. In one of these 
papers, the paragraph ran thus : 

" Barber-ow5 — ^We understand that a most villan- 
ous trick has lately been played by an English lar- 
her on the honest unsuspecting people of this city. A 
fellow who calls himself George Fibbleton, JG55', has 
been for a few weeks past palming himself off 
amongst us for ]a gentleman ; and so great has been 
the infatuation of the good people of New- York, that 
he was admitted on terms of intimacy, into the very 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 8^ 

first circles. And what was the result ? Why the 
ellow became so impudent, that he actually pro- 
posed marriage to one of the principal ladies of this 
city, and endeavored besides to inveigle the affections 
of two others* But the imposture was at length disco- 
vered. The barber was immersed in his own suds. 
We wonder the good people of this city, after being 
so often imposed upon by the Lord Mortimers, and 
other low-lifed impostors from Europe, will still con- 
tinue to run after every stranger who sets his foot in 
Oiiscity." 

The paragraphs in the other papers differed a little. 
One was headed, " The Ex-Barber" — and stated in 
positive terms that I had carried off one of the richest 
young ladies in New-York — the amiable and beautiful 

Miss ; and that it was only after it was too late, 

that the unhappy young lady had discovered what a 
barher-ous trick had been played upon her. 

The third was headed, " An English Trick" — and 
set forth, that an artful impostor, disguised with whis- 
kers and mustaches, had seduced the affections of 
three young ladies in New-York, all of whom he had 
promised to marry, and all of whom he had barbarously 
desertedjleaving them in a situation not to be described. 



84 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

It professed to pity the young ladies and their friends ; 
but finally concluded by saying, that they deserved no 
better, who, notwithstanding the many instances of a 
similar imposture, were ever ready to bestow their 
confidence and affections on any whiskered foreigner 
that came along, in preference to their own country- 
men. 

The effect of these reports Was, to make my situ- 
ation exceedingly embarassing and uncomfortable. 
My former genteel acquaintance all shunned me, as 
they would the yellow fever. Even my good friends 
among the city bucks, who had generously helped to 
" spend my money, now entirely withdrew their coun- 
tenance. 

This was the unkindest cut of all, as Mark Anthony 
says, to be cut by my friends, after having shared my 
money with them to the last penny. But there was 
no help for it. The Ex-Barber to his Majesty, the 
King of Great Britain, was shunned by American dan- 
dies ! They even went so far as to shave off'their mou- 
staches, which they had begun successfully to cultivate 
shortly after our first acquaintance. They were now 
ashamed to wear them, lest they should be reminded 
of their late intimacy with a barber. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 85 

But if my genteel acquaintance treated me with 
silent contempt, it was not so with the servants at the 
Castle, nor with other persons in a similar condition of 
life, who chanced to have some knowledge of my per- 
son. American servants are proverbially rude and 
uncivil ; and 1 was not much surprised, the next morn- 
ing after my unfortunate affair at the old maid's, to 
hear John, the boot-black, ask me if I intended soon to 
open a shop for polishing chins. 

•' What's that to you ?" said I, "you uncivil knave!" 
and at the same time throwing one of my boots at 
his head. 

He caught the boot in his hand, as he would have 
done a ball, and giving it back to me with the most pro- 
voking coolness said, " My only reason for axing you 
the question, is, that I take an interest in all such peo. 
pie as follow the trade of polishing ; and if you open a 
shop, I should like to be on terms of good fellowship 
with you, as becomes folks who get their living by 
similar means." 

" You, re an impudent scoundrel, " said I, and if it 
was'nt beneath a man of my cloth to take notice of you, 
I'd knock you down with my boot. " 

" I would'nt have you take that trouble, Mounseer 
8 



S6 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

Whiskerisky, " said he — "whenever I want' to be 
knocked down, I'll get a butcher to do it. I would'nt 
employ a barber. Howsoraever, Mister, when you 
open a shop, I should like to change works with you." 

*' Change works ! I'd have you to know, fellow, 
that an Englishman, who has had the honor of shav- 
ing His royal Majesty, is not to be put on a par with 
a Yankee boot-black. 

" No ! and why not ? If you have shaved the King 
of England, 1 have blacked the boots of the President 
of the United States ; and I'll bet you forty great ap- 
ples, such as they have in the Bay State, that I made 
the old Prex's boots shine better than you did His Ma- 
jesty's face." 

" You impudent rebel!" said I, "do you pretend 
to compare the boots of your President with the roy- 
al countenance of the King of England?" 

" Sartainly," said he, ^ ^ the understanding- of the 
old Prex, if it is made of luther, would'nt disgrace the 
head of any King whatsomever." 

The ringing of the breakfast-bell now put an end to 
this discourse, and reheved me from the impertinence 
of the Yankee polisher of boots. But here my trou- 
bles, in consequence of the malicious exposure of my 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 87 

tonsorial calling, did not end. Even thiB Irish waiters, 
who are in general remarkable for their civility, be- 
gan to grow impudent. I had no sooner taken my 
seat at the table, than one of them coming to me 
said — 

'' Misther Barber, what'll I be helpin ye to ?" 

" My name is Fibbleton," said I, looking at him 
fiercely. 

'' Axin your pardon, Misther Fibbleton," said he, 
" I understood yer honor was called Barber ; and Vm 
sure it's quite a respectable name that !" 

" Don't trouble yourself about my name, sir," said 
I, with atone of authority, " but fetch me some green 
tea and toast." 

All the waiters seemed to eye me with a look of im- 
pudence, which I had never noticed before ; and to 
glance at each other with an expression of peculiar 
meaning, as much as to say — The dashing Mr. 
Fibbleton is, after all, no better than one of us. 
But what most mortified me, was, that all the other 
guests seemed to get as far as possible from me at ta- 
ble. I could not endure this behavior, and I thought 
it became me to show a proper resentment. 

" What is the meaning of all this, gentlemen ? " said 



88 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

I — " you seem all at once to avoid me as though T 
was affected with the Scotch fiddle." 

"Worse than that," said one of them — " you are 
not affected with so respectable a disease." 

"Disease!" I exclaimed fiercely, "what do you 
mean to insinuate ?" 

" Merely," he replied, "that dishonesty and impos- 
ture are more disgraceful than the itch." 

Thus saying, he rudely left me, while my fingers 
itched to follow after and knock him down. But on 
the whole I concluded that discretion was the better 
part of valor ; and so, after d — ning him for an un- 
mannerly Yankee puppy, I let him go. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

I AM KICKED OUT OF THE CASTLE COMMEKCE 

BARBER IN BROADWAY MY ESTABLISHMENT AT- 
TRACTS GREAT ATTENTION REMARKS OP PASS- 
ERS-BY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN X-BARBER 

AND A Q-BARBER MY RESOLUTION OF WRITING 

A BOOK CONFIRMED. 

" Rare are solitary woes," says the immortal po- 
et Young ; and, " troubles never come alone," says 
some other great man, I forget who. For my own part, 
in addition to my other vexations, the commandant 
of the Castle began to press me for money which it was 
not in my power to pay him. I was obliged to refuse 
of course, which I did at first in the civilist manner 
possible. He urged me still, and hinted something 
about the trick, which he averred 1 had played, by 
passing myself off for a gentleman, when I was noth- 
ing more than a barber. 

" We never inquire," said he, " in this country, in- 
to a man's occupation. If he appears decently, be- 
haves himself well, and acts honestly, that is all we 
8* 



90 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ask of him. But an impostor we despise.*' As he 
said this, " mine host," without giving me the least 
opportunity to defend myself, or so much as open my 
mouth in reply, put his foot deliberately in my rear, 
and kicked me into the street. Such is the state of 
American manners, even among the best of people ! 

No longer admitted within the pale of genteel so- 
ciety, and destitute of the means of procuring my 
bread, I was now obliged to act the barber, whether 
I would or no. Making therefore a virtue of neces- 
sity, I procured a room in Broadway, erected a stri- 
ped pole thirty feet high, and hung out a flaming 
sign — representing myself as the celebrated Mr. Fib- 
bleton from London, Ex-Barber to His Majesty the 
King of Great Britain. 

My establishment, as might well be expected, 
drew the attention of every body ; partly on account 
of its splendor, and partly on account of the name of 
the proprietor. Passers-by stopped to gaze at the al- 
titude of my pole, and the magnitude of my sign. 
"Fibbleton! Fibbletonf said one, "I wonder if that 
is'nt the same fellow that passed himself off in good 
society for a gentleman, and was all the go for some 
time among the beaux and belles ?" 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 91 

" Aye," said another, " and came near marrying 

the rich Miss ; and was finally driven out of 

the house with the broom and tongs ?" 

" Yes," said a third, '' and was afterwards kicked 
headlong from the tower of Holt's Castle ?" 

" The same, the very same," said a fourth. " I 

saw him one evening at Mr. 's, where there was 

a splendid party. The ladies were all agog for him. 
It was nothing but Mr. Fibbleton ! Mr. Fibbleton !" 

" Yes," said a fifth, " and it was the same at another 
party where I was present. The ladies were all ready 
to die for Mr. Fibbleton — the elegant and accomplish- 
ed Englishman. Is'nt he a dear charming man ! said 
one. What grace — what elegance, in all his move- 
ments ! How very different from the hum-drum fel- 
lows of America! — True, said another, he is a 
perfect specimen of a gentleman — I should like him 
better, however, if he was a little grain younger. — 
Oh ! for my part, said a third, I should'nt want 
him a minute younger — he's just the right age to a 
T — so manly in his looks ! — such delightful whis- 
kers and mustaches ! Oh ! J do admire his counte- 
nance of all things. — So do I, said a fourth — but, 
heighho ! we can't all marry him. Such was the 



92 FlBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

estimation in which this Enghsh harher was lately 
held. It is indeed surprising that Americans, and es- 
pecially New-Yorkers, will be such dupes to foreign 
cheats and impostors." 

Every body had some observation to make respect- 
ing me or my establishment. 

"The celebrated Mr. Fibbleton!" said one, eyeing 
my sign most contemptuously — " I wonder what he's 
celebrated for ?" 

"Why, don't you see he's an £a;-barber?" said 
another. 

"X-barber !" retorted the first, " he may be a Q- 
barber, for what I care." 

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the second, "good! very 
good! — you're quite a punster, faith. But what I un- 
derstand by ex-barber, is, that he's an extraordinary 
barber — or, as they say of plenipotentiaries, that 
he's a barber extraordinary ; or in other words, that 
he is a touch above the common shavers." 

" Your interpretation," said the first, " is rather 
strained. Now I should take it, that an X-barber 
was one who was near the bottom of the alphabet." 

"But observe, he was ex-barber to the King of 
England." 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 93 

" So much the more likely then that he should be 
at the bottom of the list : for doubtless the King keeps 
as many barbers as there are letters in the alphabet ; 
and this famous Mr. Fibbleton, I'll bet you a fippenny 
bit, as they say in the Jarseys, was neither more nor 
less than shaver to His Majesty's monkeys, and was 
never allowed to come within forty yards of the roy- 
al phiz." 

" Well, have it as you will," said the second — " one 
thing I know, he'll never trouble my beard." 

Others took occasion to make impertinent remarks 
on the sound of my name. They were fond of play- 
ing upon the first syllable. " Fib- Fib -hleton !" said 
one — " that sounds ominous." 

" I dare say," said another, " the name is indica- 
tive of its owner — he's undoubtedly some lying ras- 
cal." 

" You may well say that," said a third, " for he's 
the Fibbleton that lately made so much noise in good 
society — palmed himself off for some English lord, 
or count, or duke, or some other of the royal family." 

"I could have sworn so," said the second, " by the 
very sound of his name. It indicates a person wdio 
would rather lie than tell the truth, a plaguy sight. 
I'll warrant you now, he'll go home by and by; and 



94 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

publish a book about us Yankees, like that ugly trol- 
lop, and that lying fiddler, and other good-for-noth- 
ing EngUshmen that we hear about." 

" As like as not," said the first, and so they mo- 
ved on. 

" If those are your apprehensions," thought 1, "my 
sweet fellows, you're probably more than half right. 
It is altogether likely I may publish a work on Ame- 
rica, as well as my betters. Though I am a barber, 
that is no reason why my name should not be immor- 
talized in the world of letters. There is an Ashe, a 
Fearon, a Hall, a Trollope, a Fiddler ; and though 
last, perhaps not least, there may also be added a 
Fibbleton. Yes my sweet fellows !" continued I, 
again alluding to the Yankees, " you have certainly 
some cause for apprehension ; and since you have 
impudently hinted that I was a liar, you must not 
blame me if I should take advantage of the hint. A 
good idea in faith, and I'll improve it." 

While I was revolving these things in mymind, and 
chewing the cud of revengeful resolution, as Shaks- 
peare says, two or three other persons came along, 
one of whom proposed to step in and get shaved. 

" Did you ever try this new barber?" asked ano- 
ther. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 95 

*' No," said the first, " but I've a great mind to go 
in, and see what kind of a fist he makes of shaving." 

" Oh, he's a first rate shaver, " said a third " there's 
no doubt about that. Don't you see he's ex-barber to 
the King of Great Britain? " 

'^ I see he is, " returned the second — but that's no 
sign. " 

" It's on his sign though, " said the third, " if I can 
read right. " 

" What I mean, is, " replied the second, " that it's 
no sign he understands shaving, because he's harbored 
the King of England. " 

"I think it is a pretty good sign, " said the first, 
" for the King of England would'nt have a bungler to 
shave him. At any rate, I've a great notion of trying 
this Mr. Fibbleton. " 

" Well, you may try him for all me, " said the sec- 
ond — " I would'nt trust my throat with a monarcher : 
nobody shall barber me but a true republican. " 

"No? Why,Edo you think he would cut your throat?" 

" There's no knowing what he would do. He shuf- 
fled himself ofi* for a gentleman among the grandees of 
the city, and stole the hearts of six women to boot : 
and a man that will lie, and cheat, and steal, won't stick 
at commiting murder, on a pinch. " 



96 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

*' There's something in that to be sure. But this 
stealing of women's hearts after all is quite different 
from stealing other goods ; and as for passing himself 
off for better than he was, that was the fault of them 
that were such fools as to be deceived by him." 

" Well, you may be deceived by him too, I think as 
like as not he was sent out to this country on purpose 
to cut the throats of us Americans." 

'' Do you think so ?" 

" I do indeed." 

" Well, for my part, I can't believe any body would 
be so wicked. However, I think on the whole, I'll 
let somebody else try him first, before I trust my 
throat with him." 



CHAPTER XVII. 

I GET A STRANGir CUSTOMER A SORT OF WILD 

MAN OF THE WOODS A TRUE SPECIMEN OF THE 

YANKEES SLIPS THROUGH MY FINGERS TRY MY 

NEW SHAVING MACHINE ON A RESPECTABLE CITI- 
ZEN AN UNLUCKY ACCIDENT, AND A NEW SPE- 
CIMEN OF YANKEE RUDENESS 

*• The new broom sweeps clean," says the proverb; 
and if every body is not perfectly satisfied of the truth 
of this wise saw, many persons at least are ready to 
give the new broom a trial. This fondness for novel- 
ty, notwithstanding the prejudices mentioned in the 
last chapter, procured me some customers. They were 
disposed to try what the Ex- Barber to His Majesty 
could do in the way of shaving. Besides, perhaps even 
the notoriety I had gained, by being expelled from 
good society and kicked out of the Castle, induced some 
persons to enter my shop. 

The first that came in, to enjoy the benefit of my 
skill, had a beard, I should judge, of at least a month'* 
growth. ** What'll you ax to trim me ?" said he. — 
9 



98 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

"Trim you!" said I — "how do you mean?" "I 
mean," said he, drawing his hand over his bristly 
chin, " what'll you ax for takin off my baird ?" 

" Ah, shaving, you mean — why 1 shall charge you 
a shilling." 

" A shillin !" he exclaimed with great astonishment 
—"why, I can get trimmed in this city as slick as a 
whistle, for three cents; and none of the American 
barbers pretend to ax more than sixpence." 

" I can't help that," said I, " my price isa shilling. 
I'm none of your American barbers, recollect. I'm 
Ex-Barber to the King of Great Britain. I've had the 
honor ofshaving His most gracious Majesty." 

" And did His most gracious Majesty give you a 
shillin a time for taking offhis baird." 

" More than that," I replied. 

" More !" exclaimed he, " more than a shillin a 
time ! — Then, by gings, he's a greater fool than I took 
him to be. But how often did he git shaved ?" 

" Every day, of course." 

" Every day ! and give a shillin a time ?" 

" He did'nt pay me by the single time — but by the 
year." 

'' Well, all I can say is, His Majesty must be a tar- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 9§ 

nal fool, to throw away his money after that sort. But 
won't you trim me for three cents?" 

*' Three cents !" said I, beginning to get angry at 
the fellow's importunity — " why, confound your nar- 
row Yankee soul I have you the impudence to ex- 
pect an Ex-Royal barber will shave you for the con- 
temptible price of three cents ? That would be a 
pretty business indeed for a man, who, in in his own 
country, never stooped to shave any thing below the 
royal face, and that at a noble yearly stipend!" 

" Why, you know best about that. Mister ; but I 
don't see, for rny part, why you should come away 
from England, if you found the royal face so profita* 
ble?" 

"Why, I camft here for the benefit of you rascally 
Americans," said I, for I had no disposition to grati- 
{y the fellow's impertinence — " I came here to show 
you the art of shaving in the true genteel English 
style." 

" The rascally Americans are much obliged to you 
indeed," said he ; " but they won't give you a shillin 
a time fortrimmin, I can tell you." 

" I have a new invention for taking off the 
beard." 



lOa FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

" Some patent way I suppose. But how does it 
go?" 

" By steam." 

" What ! take off a man's baird by steam ? I should 
like to sfee that operation." 

" Well, just sit down, and you may see it and feel it 

too." 

" But whatMl you ax though ?" 

"I've told you my price." 

" I can't give you a shilHn no how. I never give 
but three cents. Flowsomever, as my baird is pret- 
ty long now, and I want to try your new ingine, I 
don't care if I give you sixpence." 

"Well, sit down," said I, for I was anxious to try 
my new machine ; and, besides, I did not wish to lose 
custom by getting the name of charging too liigh. 

The fellow sat down, and waited patiently until I 
got my machine in a favorable position to operate on 
hiy chin, when seeing the razor begin to play, he 
drew back his head in affright, and exclaimed — " Stop ! 
Mister, stop ! — that razor looks tarnal pokerish, play, 
in up and down like a swinglin knife." 

" Never mind," said I, " it's perfectly safe." 

" I don't know, I swaggers/' said he, "I'm most 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 101 

afraid to trust it. It plays up and down amazin care- 
less. By gorry, you, I'm afraid it'll cut off my nose 
instead of my baird." 

"I tell you," said I, "it's perfectly safe— besides, 
if it should cut off your nose, I'm able to pay for 
it." 

"Darn me, if I'd trust' you," said he, and spring- 
ing up, he ran out of the shop, and I never saw hinj 
more. 

My next customer was not so cautious. Ho was 
a great advocate for labor-saving machines, and had 
full faith in the careful operation and judicious be- 
havior of my new shaving apparatus. He sat down, 
and I set my machine to work. It shaved one side 
of his face with marvelous despatch ; but, in doubling 
the nasal promontory, some how or other the edge of 
the razor, (which was one of Rodgers's best,) came in 
contact with his nose, and unfortunately made a fright- 
ful gash in the end of that important organ. He 
roared out lustily for me to stop the steam ; which 
while I was endeavoring to effect, he became impa- 
tient, overthrew the machine, and knocked me down. 

"Curse your new-fangled contrivance!" said he, 
** you've ruined my nose." 



102 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

*' I beg your pardon, sir," said I, getting up, and 
applying the puff to the bleeding organ—" 1 assure 
you, sir, it was purely accidental. I never knew the 
machine to make such a mistake before. I'm very 
sorry indeed it so happened. But if you'll sit down 
again, I'll insure you against further accidents, 
while I complete the operation entirely to your satis- 
faction." 

" I've had enough of your operations," said he, 
gruCly, " to satisfy me for one day ;" and with that, 
giving me a rude push with his hand, which sent me 
quiie to the other side of the shop, he took his leave 
without so much as saying, good bye sir, or making 
me any sort of acknowledgment for the civility I 
had shown him. 

Such is the rude and savage behavior of these un- 
tutored republicans ! An Ex-barber to His Majesty 
was knocked down and rudely pushed about, merely 
because, in performing a tonsorial operation, by the 
merest chance in the world, he made a small gash in 
the nose of an American citizen ! It was too bad. 
It was insufferable. But what was I to do ? How 
wa& I to obtain redress ? There is neither law nor 
gospel in America ; and as for settling affairs in an 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 103 

honorable way, there was no use in attempting it— 
for these Yankees wont fight, as I had reason to 
know, when I challenged the entire garrison at the 
Castle. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

S AM RUINED IN MY TONSORIAL PROSPECTS DIS- 

GUSTED WITH AMERICA, AND CURED OF RADICALISM 

AM TEMI'TED TO TURN RAT-CATCHER FIERCE 

AND SAVAGE CHARACTER OF THE NEW-l'ORK RATS 

TRY VARIOUS NEW MODES OF RAISING THE WIND, 

IN ALL OF WHICH I FAIL, THROUGH THE IGNO- 
RANCE AND PREJUDICES OF THE AMERICANS. 

The unfortunate operation of my shaving ma- 
chine, as recorded in the hist chapter, entirely 
ruined my prospects in the tonsorial way. It was 
presently reported all over the city, that J had cut 
off the nose of a respectable gentleman, under pre- 
tence of shaving him. The newspapers had it too. 
They declaimed against me as the notorious Fib- 
bleton, who, after being guilty of imposing myself up- 
on the good people of New-York for a gentleman, ruin- 
ing three ladies of respectabihty, and being kicked out 
of good society, had undertaken to revenge myself by 
cutting off the nasal organ of one of the most respect- 
able citizens. Some of the papers moreover hinted 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 105 

that I was an emissary from the British government, 
despatched to America with secret instructions to use 
my art to the best advantage in disfiguring the faces 
of the staunch republicans of that country. 

Exaggerated and ridiculous as all these reports were, 
they seem nevertheless to have been believed by the 
citizens of New-York, for no person thenceforth en- 
tered my shop ; and I was obliged to think of some 
other mode of raising the wind. 

It may well be supposed, that by this time I 
was thoroughly sick of republican institutions, and 
perfectly satisfied that America was no place for me. 
Such supposition is entirely correct. I was obliged 
to acknowledge to myself, however mortifying the fact, 
that I had been egregiously deceived ; that I had 
roiiiicd aliogetber an erroneous estimate of America, 
both in respect to its soil, climate, and productions ; 
as well as to the nature of its government, the wisdom 
of its institutions, and the character and manners of 
its people. I confess I was no longer a radical. I 
was not even a whig. I had verged completely to the 
opposite side in politics. Such was the effect of a few 
weeks' residence in the United States, including my 
observations on men and manners, and especially m^ 



106 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

severe disappointments in my several attempts to 
mend my fortune. 

I was, however, destitute of cash, and it was neces- 
sary for me to try some modeofreplenishing my pock- 
ets. I thought of various projects for this purpose. 
At one time, I had half a mind to turn rat-catcher, 
and make my fortune by that business ; which I am 
very well persuaded I could have done, as I had often 
witnessed the mode employed by His Majesty's offi- 
cial, in destroying the vermin of the royal palace. I 
was the more inch'ned to think of this business, from 
observing the vast number of rats with which New- 
York was infested. Every house, shop, store, and 
office was filled to overflowing with these detestable 
vermin. The public offices, in a particular manner, 
as I was informed, wereoverun with them. The pen 
pie complained much of this, and every year made 
considerable efTorts for their expulsion — relying 
chiefly on sundry bits of paper, which they inserted 
into various holes, but which had no effect whatever 
on these rascally vermin. 

But, numerous as the rats in New- York were, I 
would not liave the reader think they were compara- 
ble to our English rats. They were neither so large 
nor so fat. They were a lean, hungry, fierce, unci- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. lOT 

vilized set of creatures as ever a house was pestered 
withal. They were not like the sleek Anthony, but 
like the lean Cassius ; they did not sleep o' nights, 
as T had occasion more than once to experieuce, when 
they ran galloping in troops over my bed ; or kept me 
awake by gnawing through a neighboring partition, 
or making an attack upon my ears, fingers and toes. 
In fact, so ravenous were they, and such was the 
strength of their teeth, that nothing came amiss. They 
would make their way with incredible speed through 
the thickest and toughest plank, and even, if 1 was 
rightly informed, have often been known to gnaw 
through solid iron. 

Such being the number and character of these viL 
lanous rats, I have no doubt but some shrewd Eng- 
lish rat-catcher might make his fortune, by establisb- 
iDg himself in New. York. As I said before, I was 
strongly tempted to take up the business myself, and 
I have not the least doubt but I might have made mo, 
Qey by it. I could not, however, on reflection bring 
myself to adopt so low a calling, even in a tempora- 
ry emergency. A man, who had been barber to the 
King of England, could not descend to the degradation 
of catching rats for the rascally republicans in Amer- 



108 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ca. I was obliged therefore to think of some other 
mode of raising the wind. 

I finally concluded to give lectures on the theory 
and practice of shaving; and for thut purpose I insert- 
ed a flaming advertisement in the papers, slating that 
Mr. Fibbleton, Ex-Barber to his Majesty the King of 
great Britain, would, at such a time and on such terms, 
commence a course of lectures on the art, trade, and 
mystery of smoothing chins. My first lecture being 
gratis, as is common in America — I had a crowded au- 
dience. This lo(ks flattering, thought I to m}/self. ButI 
had scarcely risen, and uttered a few sentences, when a 
whole volley of brick-bats was suddenly discharged at 
my head. They came right and left, front and rear. 
At first I attempted to dodge them; but finding this a 
rather difficult task, 1 next began to expostulate, and 
asked wherefore an Englishman, who had had the ho- 
nor of shaving His royal Majesty, and who had now 
met them for the purpose of explaining the import* 
ance of the tonsorial information he intended to com- 
municate in his future course, should be thus rudely 
assailed by a parcel of boys and blackguards ? 

"^We are no boys, nor blackguajds neither." said 
they, letting fly another volley — *' but respectable men 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 109 

and good citizens. We want nobody to teach us the 
art of shaving; and especially a man who could'nt 
take off a gentleman's beard without slicing off his 
nose. 

Finding there was no use in contending against the 
prejudices of these rude aad uncivilized people, I took 
my hat, and bidding them good night, left them to the 
misery of their own ignorance, rudeness, and self- 
conceit. I am convinced ihat the ill treatment I suf- 
fered on this occassion, was owing to a combination of 
barbers, who, being aware of my superior pretensions 
to skill in the tonsorial art, were instigated by envy 
and jealousy to drive me from the field. Such is the 
boasted liberality of these self styled republicans ! 

I next proposed to set up a school of manners, in 
which these people being profoundly ignorant,! thought 
to myself 1 could not fail to succeed. But it is one 
thing to need instruction, aud another to desire it. 
These rude and ignorant Yankees would not listen to 
my proposals for improving their manners : they had 
the insolence to declare that they knew how to be- 
have themselves as well as any Englishman what- 
ever, and much better than an English barber ; and 
wondered how any man, who had been thrust out of 
10 



no FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

good society, kicked out of his hotel, and had cut off 
a man's nose under pretence of shaving him, should 
ever think of showing his face again amongst decent 
people ; much more that he should undertake to teach 
them good manners. Such are the prejudices and 
self-conceit of these uncivilized republicans ! 

Having thus utterly failed in this project, I next 
proposed to teach the French language. I was not 
indeed a critical master of that language, hav- 
ning never learned it from books ; but I had once 
made a tour to Paris, where I had spent three weeks, 
and I considered my knowledge fully sufficient to en- 
able me to succeed with the ignorant Americans. 
But here again I found the prejudices of these rascal- 
ly people altogether insuperable. They even pretend- 
ed to doubt my knowledge o^ the English language, 
which they averred was spoken with much greater 
purity by the " guessing," " reckoning," " calcu- 
lating," and " expecting" Yankees, than by the En- 
glish themselves ; and they wondered how a low- 
lifed, contemptible barber, as they effected to call me, 
who could not even speak his own tongue correctly, . 
should ever take into his head so extravagant an idea 
as that of teaching French to the best informed and 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. Ill 

most enlightened nation on earth ; and they again re- 
minded me of my unlucky expulsion from good soci. 
ety, my retreat from the Castle, and my barbarous 
operation, as they were pleased to term it, on the 
nose of an American citizen. 



CHAPTER XIX. 

I AM DRIVEN TO EXTREMITY TEMPTED TO DOFr 

THE ENGLISHMAN UNFEELING CONDUCT OF MY 

LANDLADY 1 AM IN DANGER OF MATRIMONY, OR 

A PRISON RESOLVE ON SUICIDE THROW MYSELF 

INTO THE DOCK AM RESCUED BY A MEDDLESOME 

YANKEE SAILOR. 

Having thus failed in all my projects for raising the 
wind, I had half a mind to shave off my whiskers and 
mustaches, change my small-clothes and gaiters fol* 
pantaloons, assume a new name, appear in the char, 
acter of an American, and offer myself in the humble 
capacity of a journeyman barber. But, on second 
thoughts, I could not bring myself to so degrading a 
step. I did not forget the dignity I had enjoyed as 
operator upon the royal chin ; I did not forget that I 
had been at the head of the tonsorial department ; I 
did not forget the glory with which the name of Fib- 
bleton was connected in my own country ; I did not 
forget the admiration with which my whiskers and 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 113 

mustaches, and especially my small-clothes and drab 
gaiters had been regarded by the ladies of Ne\^-York 
on my first arrival ; in a word, and to sum up all 
proud remembrances in one, f did not forget that I 
was an Englishman, and still a subject of His most 
gracious Majesty. 

Considering all these things, I say, I determined 
to maintain my dignity to the last — to stick to my 
small-clothes and gaiters, as long as they would stick 
to me ; to sport my mustaches and my whiskers as 
long as life should support me ; and never change my 
name or degrade my profession, for so paltry a con- 
sideration as the mere enjoyment of meat, drink and 
lodging. 

Paltry do I say ! It was not so paltry neither to a 
man who had been accustomed to the roast beef and 
brown ale of Old England ; for though it was impos- 
sible to find any thing to compare with said roast beef 
or brown ale, in all America — as I knew by sad ex- 
perience — yet it was requisite by some means or oth- 
er to keep soul and body together, otherwise they 
must part. Tiie last farthing of my money was ex- 
pended, and credit could no longer be obtained. My 
new shaving machine, together with all my razors, 

10* 



114 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

soap, lather-brushes, and whatever belonged to my 
shop, had be&n seized for rent ; and my landlady, 
with whom I had taken lodgings after my expulsion 
from the Castle, threatened to cast me into prison, if 
I did not either marry her, or pay my bill. 

Alas ! what an alternative ! To discharge my bill 
was utterly out of the question, for want of money ; 
and to marry the old widow, was little less so, for 
want of inclination. She was not rich like my former 
charmers ; besides she had a nose like a red pepper^ 
and three hair moles bristling on her chin. Then^ 
moreover, she was addicted to eating snuff and chew- 
ing tobacco. 

I had never been particularly gallant to this old 
dame ; at leasts I am quite positive I had never pro- 
mised her marriage ; and it may well be supposed I was 
not a little astonished at the proposed alternative. I 
reccoUected the case of poor Goldsmith, who was 
threatened with a like catastrophe, in case he did not 
marry his landlady ; and was rescued by the sale of 
the Vicar of Wakefield. 

But, alas ! what was I to do ? I had then written 
no book, though I was determined on the present 
work ; and my landlady was so urgent, either threat- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 115 

ening the chains of Hymen on the one hand, or the 
bars of a prison on the other, that I knew not what to 
do. I would sooner have married the devil's dam 
than my amorous old landlady ; and the alternative 
was not to be thought of. 

I tried to borrow money of some of my country- 
men. I had too contemptible an opinion of the Yan- 
kees to apply to them; besides, when I considered 
their utter selfish and money making disposition, I con- 
cluded the application would be vain. But my own 
countrymen, thought I, will not see a brother En- 
glishman immured in a jail, or compelled to marry an 
old woman with a red-pepper nose, a bristly chin, and 
one who eats snuff and chews tobacco. 

But I was mistaken. One of them, in answer to 
my request, plead poverty. Another told me I was a 
fool for coming to America. A third — a fellow who 
had become quite Yankeefied, and had married an 
American wife — took the liberty to find fault with my 
conduct since my arrival in the country ; and declar- 
ed that any man, who behaved himself so scandal- 
ously as I had done, deserved no better than to go to 
jail, or to marry an odious wife. In short, none of 
my countrymen would lend me a farthing. 



116 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

I finally concluded to get rid of my debt and the old 
widow together, by killing myself. I accordingly, 
after writing a letter to inform my friends at home of 
my awful catastrophe, went to my trunk to get out my 
pistols; but, ah! as ill luck would have it, I; had 
pawned them the week before. As shooting was 
therefore out of the question, I resolved to cut my 
throat ; but, alas ! on looking for my razors^ I recol- 
lected they had been seized some time before for rent, 
I must hang myself, thought I ; but in feeling in my 
pocket for my handkerchief, whereof to make a rope, 
I chanced to remember that I had also pawned that 
along with my pistols. I must drown myself then, 
said I ; wherefore I rushed from the house^ ran with 
all haste to the dock, and cast myself in. 

But, ah ! as fate would have it, I was not fated to 
drown. I hope it is not ominous of a less respecta- 
ble end. However that may be, I had no sooner 
touched the sweet-smelling mud of the dock, and be- 
gun to fancy the eels and the cat-fish were dining 
upon me, than souse ! came a fellow into the water 
after me. Thinks I to myself, my good fellow, I'll 
bafiie your intentions at all events — I'll creep farther 
into the mud — neither the widow nor the jail shall 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 117 

ever have possession of George Fibbteton. Accord- 
ingly I scratched like a mole to get deeper into the mud. 
But it was all in vain ; the fellow seized me by the 
fieatofmy unmentionables, and though I plead hard 
to be left to my fate, he carried me unrelenting to the 
top of the water, where a boat was ready to take 
me in. 

It seems a sailor, belonging to one of the American 
ipackets, heard the plunge, and being a meddlesoms 
Yankee, he had no more politeness than to plunge af- 
ter me, and defeat my purpose. I was no sooner plac- 
ed upon the packet's deck^ than I began to show a 
proper resentment, by asking the sailor what the devil 
lie meant by meddling in the private affairs of a gen- 
Qeman and a stranger? When instead of apologising 
for his conduct, he merely shook himself like a drip- 
ping New-Foundland dog, carelessly hitched up his 
pantaloons, rolled his quid from one side of his mouth 
to the other, and turned whistling away, as unconcern- 
edly as though nothing had happened. Such is the in- 
solence of these rude and untutored Americans, 



CHAPTER XX. 

I MEET WITH AX IRISHMAN, WHO RECONCILES ME 
TO LIFE PAYS MY LANDLADY'S BILL AND ENA- 
BLES ME TO PROSECUTE MY TRAVELS, WITH A 
FIXED RESOLUTION OF WRITING A BOOK. 

On board this vessel, whither I had been brought 
SO much against my will, I chanced to meet with an 
Irishman, who had just arrived in America, and who 
in some measure reconciled me to life. I could not, 
however, forgive the soft blarney with which he treat- 
ed the Yankees — for, I was no sooner lifted on deck by 
the rough sailor, than coming up, he seized the fellow 
round the waist and fairly hugged him,as if he had done 
a meritorious action — at the same time calling him a 
" a noble and ginerous man thus to risk his oun life for 
the life of a stranger. " But I afterwards overlooked 
this, in consequence of his paying my landlady's bill, 
and thus relieving me from the fears of a jail, and 
from the worse fear of the fond arms of that withered 
inamorata. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. llip 

Thaddeus O'Gallagher had been a farmer of some 
consequence in Ireland ; but being a downright radical, 
he grew discontented with tithes, taxes, and all such 
blessings as the fostering care ofthe British government 
has ever kindly heaped upon that ungrateful country. 
He became disloyal, he sold his property, and, like 
many another discontented foreigner, emigrated to 
America. 

He did not, however, like most other Irishmen, take 
up his abode in the city ; but, soon after his arrival, set 
out for the country, with the intention of purchasing 
a farm. He urged me to accompany him. 

" No ,, said I, I've had enough of America ; and I 
shall return in the first Packet, provided always I can 
muster the means, in this d — d inhospitable land, to pay 
my passage.'' 

" Manes ! " exclaimed O, Gallagher, " faith, and is 
it that ye're wantin? " Then thrusting his hand into 
his breeches pocket, and hauling out a handful of sove- 
reigns " Here's the yillow buys at yer sarvice, Misther 
Flbbleton, if so be ye're detarmined to recross the 
wather back agin. But sure, man, ye're gettin quite 
too soon dishearthened. Ye'll not be given up this 
blessed counthry without a fair thrial. Come,go wid me 



120 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

to the big West, or a little beyond t>^at, where farms 
are chape, and where we'll have all the land given to 
us to pay for buyin the rest. " 

" But I've no idea of turning farmer, " said I," if 
all the land in the country were given me. I am a 
member of the tonsorial profession, have had the ho. 
nor of mowing the royal chin, and therefore could 
never think of sitting down to cultivate this rascally re- 
publican earth. " 

" Republican airth!" exclaimed the Irishman — 
*' Faith, and that's the very raison that I mane to cul- 
tivate it. I'm a dare lover of yer rale thrue republi- 
kins, whether it be the land or the paple. Howsom- 
ever, if ye don't like to be afther cultivatin the sile, 
go wid me and live in me oun house, that is to be 
when I get it, and share me paraties, all the same as 
if they was yer oun." 

I th anked Mr. O'Gallagher for this generous offer, 
which I concluded to accept in part. I agreed to ac* 
company him some way on his journey : for as I had 
now laid aside the resolution of killing myself, and my 
design of writing a book having revived in full force, 
I thought it would be quite advisable to see a little 
more of the country, that I might be the better pre- 
pared to do j ustice to my subject. 



CHAPTER XXI. 

I EMBARK IN THE DE WITT CLINTON FOR ALBANY 

THE PALACE OF THE AIDS CASTLE OF SING SING 

HACKMATACK BAY WEST POINT CATYDIDS— ' 

GENERAL ARNOLD THE HIGHLANDS INFESTED 

WITH WILD BEASTS THE CATAMOUNTAIDf TER- 
RIBLE CATASTROPHE OF LORD MORTIMER. 

Agreeably to my resolution of further travel, 1 
and my Irish friend embarked one evening for Alba- 
ny, on board the steamer De Witt Clinton — a boat 
which I was told by a Yankee, who seemed to be a 
tolerably intelligent man for an American — was five 
hundred feet long, three hundred wide, and forty-six 
deep. De Witt Clinton, whose name she bore, was 
formerly a canal digger, and engaged in excavating 
that long line of work which connects the Hudson's 
Bay River with the Lake of the Woods ; when, being 
driven away by the Regency, as they are called, a 
set of powerful men, who exercise an astonishing 
sway in the State of Nevv-York, Tthe people imme- 
diately took him up and made him Governor. 
11 



122 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

The first place which we passed, of any note, was 
called the Palace of the Aids. It is a vast pile of 
building on the west bank of the river ; and was 
erected, as the intelligent Yankee informed me, for 
the use of Sir Henry Clinton ^s Aids in time of the re- 
bellion ; and hence the name. It is now used as a 
fortification by the Americans, who consider it nearly 
if not quite impregnable. 

The next object of note is the Castle of Sing Sing, on 

the east bank oi the river. It takes it name from a very 

singular but barbarous regulation, which is no other 

than flogging the garrison three times a day to make 

them sing. As the lash, which is a sort of cat of nine 

tails, is applied to the bare back of the poor 

wretches, the operator cries out at every stroke, 

•' Sing ! Sing /" — But what adds to the cruel- 

ty of this treatment, is, that the entire garrison, 

consisting of a thousand soldiers, is forced into the 

service. Let not the Americans, after this, talk of 

British impressment, but look to Sing Sing. 

A little further up the river is Hackmatack Bay, 
which I could not very well see in consequence of its 
being dark. But I relied for information on my Yan. 
kee companion, who assured me it was a remarkably 
fine harbor for shipping, and that a city was now build- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 12iJ 

ing on the west side of the bay, which bade fair in time 
to rival, if not entirely eclipse, the city of New-York. 
Still farther north is West Point. It is a poor mis- 
erable affair, as I had occasion to notice, though the 
night was exceedingly dark. There was merely a 
single peer jutting into the river, with a few ragged 
rocks and stunted trees in the back ground ; which 
the Americans, however, with that self complacency 
which distinguishes the whole race, pretend mightily 
to admire. But, for my part, I could see nothing beau- 
tiful about it. There is indeed an academy, as I was 
informed, kept by one Uncle Sam, who teaches the 
military exercise, such as it is, to a parcel of boy3, 
who are called Catydids. This was an important 
military post in the time of the rebellion, and was be- 
trayed to the Americans by one Arnold, who, how- 
ever, in the end got his deserts, for he was taken pri- 
soner and hung by His most gracious Majesty. 

A little above West Point, we came to the High- 
lands, as they are called, though there is no land 
there, but one entire mass of rocks. So palpable was 
this misnomer that even my Irish friend took notice 
of it, and begged to know how that could be called 
high land which was no land at all at all. The Yan- 
kee endeavored to explain it ; and moreover told a 



124 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS, 

very strange story, which if he had not been quite a 
civil and intelligent fellow, notwithstanding he was an 
American, T should have been very much inclined to 
disbelieve. 

" These Highlands, said he, are very much infest- 
ted with wild beasts of all sorts, but especially with 
that most ferocious of all animals, the catamountain. 
These creatures are as long as a rail, as fierce as a 
tiger, and as strong as an elephant. They are of a 
flaming red color, and are invulnerable in every 
part except the eye. Such being the nature of the 
beast," continued he, " you may well suppose they 
are a terror to the whole country ; and such indeed 
is the fact. They are never satisfied with blood. 
They destroy every living creature on which they 
can lay their ravenous jaws, whether it be bird, quad- 
ruped, or fish ; but they are more particularly fond 
of human flesh ; carrying of women and children." 

" The cowardly baist ?" exclaimed the Irishman, 
" they ought to be kilt clane dead, to attack poor 
helpless women and childer, which no honorable 
baist would iver be guilty of." 

'' But they'll take men upon a pinch," resumed the 
Yankee, "and particularly foreigners." 

^'Furriners !" said the Irishman, "the inhospita- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 126 

ble baists! tbey desarve to be kilt over and over again, 
for such tratement of sthrangers. But is it the Irish 
they're particularly fond of?" 

" Not particularly," said the Yankee — " they rath- 
er prefer the English." 

" The Enghsh " I exclaimed, for I could not help 
feeling a little startled at the sudden mention of this 
preference of the catamountain — a preference, 
which, in my then situation — passing as I was through 
the strong holds of those bloody animals — I had no 
particular reason to be [pleased with. " But why 
should they take an especial liking to the Enghsh ?" 
said I. 

^'I dont know why, indeed," returned the Yankee ; 
" but such is the fact, as you shall hear." 

" Do they ever attack steamboats ?" said I. 

" Do they !" said he, " I guess you would think so, 
if you were to pass up and down here in the night as 
often as I've done. Why, it's every week or so, w« 
have an account of some one or other of the passen- 
gers being carried off by the catamountains from 
aboard the boats. You see the cliffs are so near that 
they can easily leap upon deck." 

*' Would'nt it be more safe in the eabin ?" said I 
11* 



1-^B FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

— for though 1 am a man of true courage, as I very 
clearly proved by challenging the whole twenty 
guards of the Castle — nevertheless, feeling a little 
nervous at the time, and being entirely unacquainted 
with the mode in which the catamountain might make 
his attack, I could not answer for making the neces- 
sary defence. I had no sooner said this, than I heard 
a terrible noise in the cliffs, which seemed, as the 
boat advanced, to hang more and more fearfully 
a^ove us ; and confirmed me in the belief that those 
monstrous animals could, as the Yankee said, very 
easily leap from them upon deck. The noise sound- 
ed like nothing I had ever heard before. 
"Is'nt that he?" said I. 
" No, " said the Yankee, with a broad grin — " that's 
n<?thing but a tree-toad." 

However, thought I, there's no trusting to these 
Yankees, who undoubtedly would have no more con- 
science than to sec an Englishman devoured before 
their eyes. 1 therefore rushed with all prudent haste 
into the cabin, whither the Irishman, the Yankee, and 
acme others, presently followed me. The horrible 
noise continued for some time, and I was astonished 
at the coolness of the Americans, many of whom re- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 127 

mained on deck during the whole thiie that we were 
threading the perilous passes of the Highlands. But 
the daily acquaintance with danger is apt to have a 
wonderful effect in hardening the minds of people 
against it. 

"I was about to tell you," said the Yankee, after 
descending to the cabin and having a hearty laugh at 
iriy fears, *'a certain story to corroborate what I said 
about the animal's particular fondness for English- 
men. You must know," continued he, " that there 
was one Lord Mortimer, as he called himself — 
though the Lord knows he was no lord, any more 
than the devil was. But that's neither here nor there ; 
he passed himself off for a lord, and all the gentry 
of New- York — the more fools they ! — were running 
after him, and ready to kiss his — great toe. Well, 
after gulling the flats of of New- York long enough, 
he made a voyage up this river in a steamboat, as you 
are now doing. I was aboard at the same time. 
Well, as we were passing through the Highlands, as 
we are now, the conversation happened to turn, as it 
does now, on the terrible ferocity^of the catamountain ; 
when one of the company happened to mention, as 1 
did just now, that the critter was particularly fond of 
Englishman. 



128 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

"Of Englishmen !" ejaculated his pretended lord- 
ship, turning as pale as a sheet. 

" Ay," said his informant, " and particularly of 
such fellows as pass themselves off for more than they 
really are." 

"What do you mean to insinuate?" exclaimed his 
lordship, endeavoring to look fierce, but at the same 
time trembling like a leaf for fear of the catamoun- 
tain. But he had hardly said this, before a terrible 
noise was heard in the cliffs above ; and his lordship, 
frightened almost to death, made for the cabin, as you 
did just now. But he had hardly reached the gang- 
way, when plump came the critter upon deck ; and, 
singling out his lordship, before you could say Jack 
Robbison, he carried him, dangling by one arm, to 
tlie top of the mast. There were no fire-arms 
aboard ; besides it was dark as Egypt, pretty much 
as it is to night. Howsomever, we could see the crit- 
ter's eyes shine like a couple of balls of fire ; and on« 
of the sailors, seizing a handspike, ran as fast as he 
could up the shrouds to the aid of his lordship. Bui 
Iwas all in vain, for as soon as the animal saw him 
©oming, he gave one prodigious leap and landed on 
the top of a tree, which ever since has been called 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 129 

Lord Mortimer's Tree — I think I can show it to you 
now, if you'll jCist step upon deck." 

"Excuse me, sir," said I, wrapping my cloak 
about me at the same time, I'm rather apprehensive 
of the night air in this cursed climate of yours ;| but 
what became of Lord Mortimer?" 

" Oh, the catamountain took care of him," said 
the Yankee carelessly, as though the life of an En- 
glish nobleman was of no manner of consequence. 

" Took care of him !" said L 

** Yes," replied the Yankee, " he was never heard 
of more, except his whiskers, which being made by 
the barber, dropt off as the critter was carrying him 
away.* But how pale you look ! come, go upon deck 
and take the air." 

*' Are we past the Highlands ?" said L 

* A certain ex-reviewer to a magazine, who has been looking 
over our shoulder while we were reading the proof of the above, 
assui-es us that Mr. Fibbleton ha.i filched the entire scene from 
the author of "John Bull in America ;" and that the catamount- 
ain, which carried off Lord Mortimer, is no other than the ver- 
itable owl which flew directly in the face of Captain Biltus Van 
Slingerland, as recorded in the " Dutchman's Fireside :" in proof 
of all which he avers, that sundry words used by Mr. Fibbleton 
— such for instance, as " fAe," " o/," " and,^^ besides several oth- 
ere — are precisely the same as those used by Mr. Paulding. 

With such authority behind us as the ex-reviewer, we 
cannot possibly think of defending the ex-barber ; but we must, 
nevertheless, print his work as we find it. American Editor, 



130 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

"Hardly," said he — however, you need'nt be 
afraid, for we've passed Lord Mortimer's Tree^ which 
is the most dangerous point." 

" Afraid !" said I, " who the devil's afraid ? But 
this d — d climate — it's enough to give a man his 
death." 



CHAPTER XXII 

GET SAFE THROUGH THE HIGHLANDS AM ROBBED 

OP MT BERTH CONTEND FOR A SETTEE— IN DAN- 
GER OF BEING GOUGED BY A KENTUCKIAN EN- 
COUNTER WITH JO STRICKLAND DITTO WITH ENOCH 

TIMBERTOES DITTO WITH MAJOR JACK DOWNING 

HEIR APPARENT TO THE PRESIDENCY. 

Wk passed safe through the Highlands ; though 
was by the merest good fortune in the world, for I was 
assured by the Yankee that scarcely a night passed in 
which some one or other of the passengers from the 
different boats was not carried off by the catmount- 
ains. It is surprising to me that a people, who 
boast as much as the Americans do of their en- 
enterprise and the enlightened nature of their govern- 
ment, should so long suffer from the depredations of 
these ferocious animals. But, to tell the plain truth, 
there is no security in the United States, for either life, 
limb, or property. The inhabitants, comparatirely 
speaking, are as yet in a mere state of barbarism. 
Among other proofs of their want of civihty, pur- 



132 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ticularly to strangers, was the fact, that I could not get 
a berth in ail the De Witt Clinton ; though, as I before 
said, she was five hundred and fifty feet long, three 
hundred and twenty broad, and fifty-six deep. The 
excuse was, that the berths were all engaged, though 
it was full three minutes and fifty seconds by my 
watch, before the boat started after my going aboard 
I raved, and stormed, and swore, as became an En- 
glishman ; and threatened to put the captain, lieutenant, 
and all the crew into my book. But it did no good : 
and had it riot been for supporting the dignity of my 
country, I might as well have had held my tongue. 

Shut out, however, as I was from the berths, I con- 
cluded I should at least be entitled to a settee. So as 
soon as the first was covered with the mattress and 
bedding, I threw myself upon it. 

" Hold, there !"said one the fellows, who was busy 
making up the beds. 

" I mean to hold here," said I, arranging the pil- 
low under my head — " I'm not to be deprived of 
berth, settee, and every thing." 

" That's more'n you know," said the fellow with a 
savage grin — " you may have to take a standee yei.^' 

I however, kept my place in spite ofthe fellow's in- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 138 

science, and was just about getting asleep ; when, by 
and by, a sort of clerk-looking fellow, with a paper 
in his hand, requested all such passengers, as had any 
claim to settees, to answer as their numbers were call- 
ed. He then bawled out— 

"Number one!" 

- Here !" said I, 

And " Here !" said another man, who stood a few 
feet from me. " You've got my settee, stranger," 
said he. 

" Your settee !" I exclaimed — "how can that be ? 
I'm number one, as you may plainly perceive; be- 
sides, I have the I'ight of possession." 

" Well, stranger," said he coolly, " you'll find 
you've got the wrong of possession, if you don't evac- 
uate presently." 

"Evacuate !" said I, with as much contempt as 1 
could infuse into my countenance — " who are you, 
that pretend to dispute the claim of an Englishman, 
and an Ex-Barber to his Majesty, the King of — " 

With that he interrupted me by exclaiming, " Cock- 
cock-a-doodle-doo !" at the same time imitating with 
his arms the wings of a cock who has just crowed de- 
fiance. He then approached me more nearly and 
12 



134 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

said, " Harkee, stranger, I'm all the way from Old 
Kentuck, and if—" 

It may well be supposed I did'nt wait for further argu- 
ments. I rolled myself off the disputed settee upon the 
adjoining one ; nor did I stop there, but kept rolling 
until I had passed over at least a dozen others. A 
Kentuckian ! thought L By heavens, I would'nt sleep 
within reach of his arm for the wealth of the Indies. I 
should certainly be gouged before morning. 

The clerk, or whoever he was, now went on calling 
the numbers, and each man, as he answered, taking 
his settee, until they came to the one I then occupied ; 
which being number fourteen, as soon as that was 
cried out, I again answered, "Here!" when present- 
ly echo repeated, '' Here !" 

" That's my settee, Mister," said a fellow com- 
ing up. 

" Your settee !" said I, endeavoring to look the fel- 
low through — " who the devil are you ?" 

" Pm no devil at all," said he, " but Jo Strickland, 
of Varmount. I've got my trouses pockets, both on 
'em, stowed as full as they can hold of the raal Kimi- 
kles, which Arnold paid me out of the Consolidation 
Lottery. Besides, I've got a couple of little dogs here" 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 135 

— rshowiiig a pair of pistols — " tiiat belong to Deacon 
Amariah Bigelovv; and they're tarnal apt to bark 
when any thing don't go to please 'em — so if you'll 
jest roll yourself over a few times more, Mister — " 

I thought this was quite sufficient ; particularly as 
I did'nt at all like the looks of Deacon Amariah Big- 
elow's little dogs, any more than the fellow with the 
Kimikles ; who, as I came to examine him more close- 
ly, 1 perceived to be a fellow six feet and a half high, 
with a brawny chest a yard wide, and two rows of 
double teeth all round his mouth. 

I rolled myself over at least twenty more settees, 
determining to get far enough this time, and not to 
move again let what would happen. But in a very 
short time the space between me and the Varmounter 
was filled up ; and though I cried out, " Here !" when 
the next number was called, another person also cried, 
" Here !" and came to dispute with me the possess- 
ion of the settee. He was a small fellow, compared 
with my last antagonist, not being above five feet sev- 
en inches high. There was nothing remarkable 
about his person, except that he had a very sly quiz- 
zical look out of his right eye, and had wonder- 
fully large feet for a man of his size. He was dress- 



136 I IBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ed in a pair of striped trowsers, a swans-down waist- 
coat, and a long-skirted blue-and-white-mixed coat, 
with round lapels. 

" What little striped-breeched devil are you," said 
I, as he demanded my bed. 

" Striped-breeched !" said he, laughing out of one 
corner of his mouth, and looking very quizzical out 
of his quizzical looking eye — '* may be you nev- 
er heerd of one Enoch Timbertoes, of the Bay state ?" 

" Not I, indeed." 

" Then you must be an ignorant fellow," said he, 
changing his quizzical look for one of contempt. 

" Ignorant," said I, " why so ?" 

" Because," said he, " Enoch Timbertoes is a pret- 
ty considerable famous fellow, I can tell ye. Did you 
ever read the newspapers ?"' 

" To be sure I have," said I, " but what has all 
this to do with the present case ?" 

"Why, if you've read the newspapers," he replied, 
"you must have seen Enoch Timbertoes's Letters." 

" Well," said I, growing impatient, " what the 
devil has Enoch Timbertoes, or his letters, to do with 
my settee ?" 

" Your settee ! Mister ? Net's you know on. But 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 137 

as to Enoch Timbertoes and his Letters," said he, at 
the same time elevating himself a couple of inches, 
"I'm Enoch Timbertoes, myself; and unless you 
give up the settee pretty plaguy suple, I'll put you in 
my next letter and have you sarved up like a mess of 
bull-beef all over the country — because you kno\^, 
every body reads theTimbertoe Letters." 

" D — n your timber-toes !" said I looking contempt- 
uously at his huge feet, and at the same time evacua^ 
ting the settee. The truh is, I felt myself above con« 
tending with these rude and savage boors : and there- 
fore, though I am a man of true courage, as I proved 
sufficiently when I challenged the whole twenty-five 
guards at Holt's Castle, I surrendered my rights. 

My next move was to the very last settee in the 
whole range. Think's I to myself, they'll not dis- 
turb me here. But I was mistaken. " You'll be 
good enough jest to roll over once more," said another 
fellow, with a very consequential air. He was dress- 
ed in an old military coat of blue with yellow fa- 
cings, nankeen breeches, long Suwarrow boots, and 
a rusty cocked hat, of the days of the rebellion. 

" I'll be cursed" said I, looking at him with my 

usual portion of contempt, " if I'll move another inch 

for any man." 

12* 



138 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

" You dont know who you are speaking to, per- 
haps?" said he. 

"No, nor I don't care," said I, " Ive got this set- 
tee, and I mean to keep it, though the President of the 
United States should contend for it.'*' 

'* You'd hardly say that if he was here, I guess," 
said the fellow — "Gineral Jackson is an old cam- 
paigner, and licked the British near upon to death at 
New-Orleans ; so you must'nt say nothing agin the 
Gineral. Besides, Mister, I'm at present his head 
man and defender — to be sure Martin Van Buren is 
Vice President. But that's no reason. Between you 
and me, I know a thing or two tiiat Martin don't, be- 
cause you see the gineral would'nt trust him. Now 
the case is jest here, though I don't wish every body 
to know it — says the Gineral to me, says he. Major 
Downing, between you and I and the fire-place, says 
he, I don't think every body's to be trusted. Says I, 
Gineral, you're jest of my way of thinkin. I know I 
be. Major Downing, says he, and that's the reason I 
trust you in preference to some other folks. There's 
them -are fellows in the Kitchen, now, says he, they're 
cooking up a dish for the public that I don't more 
than half like, and I'll be — Skip them-are hard words, 



FiBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 139 

Gineral, says I. There's no use in swearing about 
sich chaps. That's true, says he, Major Downing, 
they aint worth a damnin ; but, as I was sayin, if 
twas'nt for you, Major, the whole nation would go to 
rack and ruin. 1 believe it, says 1, Gineral, if twas'nt 
forme, the affairs of the nation would get considerably 
out of sorts ; but as long as I'm alive and kickin, I'll 
keep matters straight, with a little of your help, Gin- 
eral. I thank you, Major Downing, says he, catching 
me at the same time by the hand — I shall quit the helm 
in peace and quietness, now I've found sich a man as 
you to take my place. Don't speak of that, Gineral, 
says I, pressing his hand considerable hard — it's too 
airly to think of that yet. No, I'll be shot if 'tis, says 
he — Major Downing, says he, looking me full in the 
face — you're a man after my own heart, and, by the 
etarnal, you shall be next President. Now there's 
leetle Matty, says he, and there's Calhoun, and a 
number of others that want it ; but I'll put my veto on 
'em. They shall never set in my chair, Major Down- 
ing. You're the only man of the whole kit that's fit 
to be President. Why, I think so too, Gineral, says 
I ; but maybe the people will be a leetle offish about it. 
The people ! says he : between you and I, Major 



140 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

Downing, and the fire place, says he, snapping his fin- 
gers, I don't care that for the people. I tell you, 
Major Downing, you shall be next President." 

" You look like a pretty candidate for the Presi- 
dency !" said I, running my eyes with all due con- 
tempt over his person and dress ; " but, however." 
continued I, " you're a very fair specimen of repub- 
licanism ; and I've no doubt will prove a worthy suc- 
cessor to the present incumbent." 

*' None o' your skits at me and the Gineral, if you 
please, Mister," said he, " we're both on us military 
men — both I and the Gineral~he licked the British, 
till they cried enough at New-Orleans ; and I'm a 
major in the second brigade of the Downingville Mi- 
litia, down east, in the State of Maine, If you ever 
come that way, inquire for Major Jack Downing ; and 
if I should'nt be at home — which will most likely be the 
case, as I shall be considerably engaged at Washing, 
ton for ten or eleven years to come — then inquire for 
Sarjeant Joel, of the same brigade, and tell him I sent 
you. So now, Mister, being you know who I am, and 
what I am to be, whenever Gineral Jackson says the 
word, you'll mayhap think it best to give up my bed 
without more ado." 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 141 

As he finished this strange speech, he put his hand 
©a an old rusty sword, that I had not before noticed ;. 
when, considering his miUtary rank and his station 
under the American government, I concluded it would 
be no more than proper to yield my place to him. 
But I would not have the reader think that the sight 
of his sword had any influence in hastening my com- 
pliance — for I am a man of true courage, as will suf- 
ficiently appear by my boldly challenging the whole 
thirty guards at Holt's Castle, as before mentioned. 

But to finish here with the account of my lodging — 
which lodging proved to be none — I was finally 
obliged to content myself with a standee — which is a 
sort of tall box, set up endwise, and so narrow that a 
person can neither lie nor sit, but is obliged perforce 
to stand erect, and hence it is called a standee. But 
if I ever consent to be locked up in another, may I be 
shaved all my life with a dull razor, or (what is worse 
still) spend all my life among the Yankees. 

I was at first a little staggered with the story of the 
fellow who called himself Major Downing, and espe- 
cially with his account of his standing at Washington, 
and his influence with the President. But, on inquiring 
afterwards of the civil Yankee, 1 learned that the fel- 
low was really an officer in the American Army ; se- 



142 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

leotman in the town of Downingville ; prime minister 
to the President ; heir apparent to the throne ; and, 
after General Jackson, the most popular man in the 
United States. The reader may judge from this, of what 
materials these conceited, boasting, rude, uncivilized 
republicans make their rulers and great men ! And if 
iuch be the rulers, I leave the reader to judge what 
mnst be the ruled. 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

HIDE PARK DERIVATION OF THE NAME CUPIDITY 

AND TREACHERY OF THE WHITES RED JACKET — - 

GOVERNOR 3IARCY's FARM ITS SOIL AND PRODUC- 
TIONS WE GROUND UPON IT — ABUSE OF THE GO- 
VERNOR MAJOR DOWNINg's DEFENCE. 

The principal towH, after passing the Highlands of 
the Hudson, is called Hide Park. The name is de- 
rived from the circumstance of the people formerly 
driving an extensive trade in the hides of the poor In- 
dians. They were stripped off whole ; and being 
afterwards cut in two transversely just above the hips, 
the lower parts were turned into leather breeches, 
which required no seams, nor indeed any other tailor'* 
work except making a few button-holes, setting on the 
buttons, and the like. These leather breeches were 
very much worn by the people of this country a few 
years ago, and thus held out a strong temptation for 
the white people to hunt the Indians, which they did 
for the sake of iheir skins, until nearly the whole race 
were exterminated. 

Finding that this mode of obtaining the skins wai 



144 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

like cutting down the oak in order to get the acorns, the 
cunning Yankees at last hit upon the plan of skinning 
them alive, in expectation that the skin would grow 
again, and that thus they might take the spoils as often 
as once a year. The first experiment they made was 
with a famous chief of the One-eyed tribe. They first 
got him drunk, and then commenced skinning, think- 
ing that he would not be likely to come to himself until 
his hide was completely off. In this, however, they 
found themselves mistaken ; for they had scarcely got 
him stripped down to the waist, when being aroused by 
the excessive smart, he sprang upon his butchers, and 
before they had time to make their escape, he had 
tomahawked and scalped twenty-one. He afterwards 
got well ; but the upper part of his body, in conse- 
quence of having been skinned, always retained a red 
appearance, from which circumstance he received the 
name of Red Jacket. But his revenge did not cease 
with the scalping of the twenty-one; for he afterwards 
became a mighty warrior, and made the treacherouis 
whites repent severely of having ever undertaken the 
game of skinning a live Indian. 

But the most remarkable thing, in the Hudson's Bay 
River, is Governor Marcy's Farm, so called from the 
present Governor of the State of New-York. It is an 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 145 

island which stretches nearly from one side of the river 
to the other, a few miles below Albany. The soil, 
which is of a very deep and soft nature, is for the most 
part covered with a slight depth of water; and is- not 
known to bear any thing, except steamboats, sloops, 
and other river craft, whereof very rich crops are 
often seen of a morning. 

Among the rest of these products our boat also ap- 
peared. We had passed the river thus far without 
any accident, when, as the night was wearing fast, 
plump ! all at once stuck the keel of our boat fast in 
the mud. She came with a force that made all shake 
again. As for me, I was thrown, standee and all, flat 
upon the deck. 

'• What the devil's all this?" said 1, creeping out at 
one end of the box. 

"It's Governor Marcy's Farm," said my Yankee 
acquaintance, who had turned out of his birth, and 
come upon deck. 

" A farm do ye call it 1" asked the Irishman, who 
had also run upon deck as he felt the shock of the boat. 
"Faith, sir, and is it this way the farms are in this 
counthry, all under wather? By J— s ! I should'nt like 
the cultivatinof 'em at all at all. It would'nt be plea- 
13 



146 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

sant no how, to my thinkin, either to plant paraties or 
to dig them in this kind of under-wather land." 

'' Why. for the matter of that," said the Yankee, 
"there's seldom any thing planted here excepting boats 
and sloops, and such like river craft ; and you may see 
a plenty of them as soon as it's daylight. The masts 
will stick up about us like so many dry hemlock trees 
m a swamp." 

What the Yankee said proved mdeed to be true : 
for as soon as the morning light appeared, there ap- 
peared with it vessels of all sorts and sizes, from the 
small fishing boat to the immeasurably long craft of 
the De Witt Clinton, which the Yankee assured me, if 
I mistake not, was six hundred feet in length. The 
officers and crews of these vessels were cursing and 
swearing like so many troopers ; and even wishing the 
Governor, Governor's Farm, and all, to the devil. 

For my part, having got veiy little sleep in mv 
standee, I let them swear on, while I went into the 
cabin, where I turned into one of the berths from 
whence some other man had turned out. But I had 
scarcely got well asleep, and begun to enjoy myself, 
before the owner of the berth came, and dragged me out 
head first upon the floor. This seemed to me much like 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 147 

the conduct of the dog in the manger ; for the fellow 
did not pretend that he wanted to sleep ; but he swore 
by the holy poker that he had paid for the berth, and 
he would have it. I had long since learnt that there 
was no use in quarrelling with these Yankees : and 
therefore — though I am a man of true courage, as I 
proved in the case of the forty guards at the Castle, 
whom I challenged to mortal combat — I yielded the 
berth to the fellow, after giving him a decent English 
damning, and went once more upon deck. 

Our boat still stuck on the Governor's Farm, though 
some of the smaller craft around us were beginning 
10 float and to get under weigh, as the tide rose. — 
At length after three or four hours more of patient 
waiting, the De Witt Clinton also began to move 
her ponderous sides, which, as I was credibly inform- 
ed, were six hundred and fifty feet long. But, after 
all, such enormous boats are only a vexation. There 
IS not room enough in an ordinary river for them to 
turn round ; and in case of a farm under water, like 
this of the Governor's, they are much more likely to 
^tick than the smaller and lighter craft. 

As for the passengers, they were all, except Major 
Downing, finding fault with his Excellency the Go- 



148 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

vernor, for not removing his farm from the middle of 
the river. 

"Confound his breeches!" said one: "I'll never 
vote for him again ; if I do, I'll give him leave to kiss 
my — foot." 

" I never did vote for him," said another ; " and 
what's more, I never will. Now I think there's room 
enough for every man in this country to have his farm 
on dry land, and not keep it hid under water, to be 
ploughed by steamboats, and sloops, and other craft 
that ply up and down the river." 

In short, every body had something to say against 
the Governor and his under-water farm, except Major 
Downing, who, touching his rusty sword by way of 
defiance, declared the Governor should not be abused. 

" I recollect the year afore last," said he, " when 
the Congress passed a law to remove the farm — or the 
Overslaugh, as it was called — the Governor, who was 
then a Congressman, fit hard against it, and said the 
representatives of the nation had no right to meddle 
with a man's private consarns, or a State's private 
consarns either; and that if they once were allowed 
to remove the Overslaugh, they might by and by take 
it into their heads to meddle with cold slauw, hot slauv/, 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 149 

and every other kind of slauw. Well, the bill went 
through both houses of Congress, and was brought to 
Gineral Jackson for his signature. I remember, as 
well as if 'twas this day, what the Gineral said, and 
how he behaved. Says he to me, Major Downing, says 
he, (for he always axes my opinion afore signin a 
bill,) what do you think of this injarnal improvement 
bill ? do you think I'd better put ray fist to it, or not ? 
Says I, Gineral, you know as well about that matter 
as I can tell you. Well, says he. Major, I'll not sign 
the bill ; if I do, I'll agree to eat a pickerel six foot 
long. Well, Gineral, says I, do as you please ; you 

know best how the cat eat the butter. I'll be ; 

he was just a goin to swear, when I nudged his elbow% 
and, says he, Major, it's a bad practice this swearin, 
and I mean to break myself of it ; if I don't, I'll be 

So I think, Gineral, says I, breakin in upon 

him. Well, Major Downing, says he, you're handy 
with the pen ; jest set down and scratch me off a veto ; 
I'll let Congress know they sha'nt pass any laws for 
infarnal improvements exceptin such as I choose to 
let 'em. Excuse me. Gineral, says I; it's rather out 
ofmyline of business t his writin of vetoes. I'm con- 
siderable of a stick at writin letters; and if you wish 
13* 



150 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

I'll give you a lift at your next message; but as for 
writin vetoes, I'm afraid I should make a bad fist of 
it. I think, says I, Gineral, you'd better send it down 
to the Kitchen to be writ. You're right, says he, 
Major Downing ; it's jest fit for the Kitchen, and to 
the Kitchen it shall go. I'll arterwards send it to Matty, 
to correct the grammar ; and then. Major, you must 
look it over, arter which I think it '11 do. I think so 
too, Gineral, says I ; and so I sHpped my neck out of 
writin the Gineral's veto that time ; but for all that 
I'll Stan up for it till the last horn blows, because 'tis 
the Gineral's, and because, being his head man, I'm 
bound to defend him through thick and thin, whether 
it's over the slaugh or under the slaugh. I say, let 
Governor Marcy have a farm in the bed of the river 
if he wants it ; but I do wish 'twas a leetle furder under 
water, so the steamboats would'nt stick on it so corj- 
sarnedly." 

Here Major Downing ended his speech in defence of 
the Governor's Farm ; and the people, who had been 
crying out so bitterly against it but a minute before, 
now threw up their ragged republican hcits as high as 
they could throw them, and cried, '- Hurrah for Major 
Downing !" And so the matter ended. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 151 

To finish my story of the Governor's Farm. I un- 
derstand it formerly belonged to the people of New- 
York, who made a present of it to his Excellency, in 
consideration of his having so well defended it before 
the Congress of the nation. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

ARRIVE AT ALKA?iY DESCRIPTION OF THE PLACE AND 

ITS INHABITANTS THE REGENCY ITS ORIGIN AND 

DESIGN NATURE AND APPEARANCE OF ITS MEM- 
BERS ITS EXCEEDING POWER A CONNECTING LINK 

WITH THE GOVERNMENTS OF THE OLD WORLD. 

The voyage, from Marcy's P'arm to Albany, was 
short and prosperous ; and I met with no accident or 
adventure worth relating in a book of travels. 

Albany is a little scurvy place, consisting of a few 
old Dutch houses, which were built in the time of His 
most gracious Majesty, Richard-Cure-the-Lion, or in 
that of Richard III., I am not positive which. These 
houses, which are mostly of one story, have the^abfe 
end to the street, and are nearly all roof. They were, 
as the Yankee assured me, brought from Holland ready 
built; and nothing more was requisite on landing than 
to remove them from the ship's deck to the places 
where they now stand — the inhabitants still remaining 
in them, and performing their household duties, the 
same as if nothing had happened. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 153 

The people of this city are still mostly Dutch, and 
appear in the same costume which was worn five hun- 
dred years ago — as any one may be satisfied by com- 
paring the present race with those described in the 
History of New-York by Mr. Knickerbocker, the 
only authentic historian of which the Americans can 
boast — the dress, both of that period and the present, 
consisting of fifteen pair of breeches for the men, and 
eleven petticoats for the women, the latter being rather 
of the shortest kind. 

Although Albany, as I said before, is a scurvy little 
place, and is now fast going to decay, nevertheless, it 
acquires considerable importance from the circum- 
stance of its being the seat of government for the State. 
Here the Congress meets, and here also is the resi- 
dence of the Regency. It is this latter, however, 
which gives the principal eclat to the city. The Con- 
gross of New- York to be sure meets here once a year ; 
but they have no power to do any thing without the 
consent of the Regency, which, as the name seems to 
indicate, has a sort of royal prerogative. 

It may seem strange to my readers, that in a repub- 
lican government there should be any thing both in 
name and power so much resembling what is to be 
found in the old world. But so it is. The Albany 



154 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

Kegency is- truly of a kingly nature, and forms at 
least one redeeming circumstance — one bright spot 
as it were on the dark scutcheon of American demo- 
cracy. Only think of a Regency in the very heart of 
a republic ! a royal power above the " sovereign peo- 
ple," as these uncivilized democrats delight to call 
themselves ! But it is the only thing which preserves 
the nation. 

This Celebrated Regency, if I am rightly informed, 
was first established as far back as the days of James 
II., of glorious memory. The State, as every body 
knows, belonged to him when Duke of New- York ; 
but being called home to assume the government of 
England, on the death of Charles II., he appointed a 
Regency, consisting of three men, with power to 
fslect their successors. There is, however, some 
dispute whether this latter privilege was actually con- 
ferred by James or not. But that it is now, and 
has been for a long time, exercised by the Regency, 
there is no manner of doubt. 

Concerning the persons, of whom this Regency is at 
present composed, there is a good deal of curious spe- 
culation — not so much, however, in relation to their 
names, as in regard to what manner of men they are 
^low they look, how they behave, what kind of 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 1*55 

clothes they wear, and such like matters, which are 
ever apt to keep alive the curiosity of the people re- 
specting their rulers. 

The members of the Regency are believed to pos- 
sess among them not less than a hundred eyes, situated 
in various parts of the body, and protruding like those 
of a lobster — differing however from the latter in this 
respect, that they are not immovable, but glance nim- 
bly about, and pry into all holes and corners with in- 
credible activity. They are also supposed to have not 
less than fifty hands, all of which are provided with 
prodigious long fingers, whose grasp, when fairly 
within their reach, nothing can evade. This, again, 
is another proof of the royal origin of the Regency — 
for kings, as every body knows, have long hands. In 
what proportion these several members are divided 
among the Regency, it is not generally agreed ; but 
that they can see far and wide, and grasp sure and 
strong, is universally acknowledged. And here again 
is another proof of their royal origin. 

The Regency in Albany is very much the same as 
the throne in England — except that its power is quite 
superior to that of our present race of kings. It has 
jiot only a negative on all bills which pass the two 



156 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

houses of Congress ; but it actually originates bills of 
its own accord, and compels the Congress, nolum vo- 
lum, to pass them. Many people find fault with this ; 
and the newspapers storm, and fret, and fume ; and 
every year attempts are made to overthrow this royal 
power. But, owing to its strength and wisdom, the 
rebels seldom get the upper hand ; and never main- 
tain the ascendency for any length of time. 

This again is another proof of the royal origin of 
the Regency: because, being possessed of "divine 
right," it cannot long be driven from its own ; but, 
like the pious Charles II., of glorious memory, though 
compelled to wander for awhile, it at length returns 
again with renewed strength, to govern, and therefore 
to bless the people. This is the only remaining link 
which connects America with the governments of the 
old world. With the exception of this, the entire chain 
was broken in the rebellion. Every link was snapped, 
except the royal link of the Regency. But, thanks to 
the " divine right," which remains every where the 
same, this branch of the royal power is preserved, and 
thus democracy is in some measure kept in awe. 

Before I take leave of this subject, I would just ob- 
serve, that I had some hopes of retrieving my fortunes 
through the favor of this power, as I understood it had 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 157 

the entire disposal of all the fat offices in the State ; 
md I was well assured that my loyal princidles, 
low fairly re-established, could not but find favor 
a its eyes. But, for some cause or other, T found it 
exceedingly difficult of access, so that I never could get 
a fair chance of presenting my claims. What this 
was owing to, I know not. Perhaps it might be my 
poverty ; or, what is more likely, it might be owing to 
-ome person having calumniated me, by calling me an 
incorrigible radical, or downright republican. 



14 



CHAPTER XXV. 

POLITICAL PARTIES IN THE EMPIRE STATE THE; 

BUCKTAILS THE FEDS THE QUIDS THE BUR- 

RITES THE COOTS, COOTIES, OR GOODIES THB 

HIGHBINDERS, HIGHMINDERS, OR HIGHFLIERS. 

Speaking of the Albany jRegency — which, by the 
by, is the only tolerable thing in the American go- 
vernment — I am naturally led to the subject of polit- 
ical parties in the " Empire State," as New- York is 
called, I suppose because it is governed by a Regen- 
cy. These parties are, or have been at different 
times, nearly innumerable. I wtil merely name a few 
of the most prominent. These are the Bucktails, the 
Feds, the Quids, the Burrites, the Coots, and the 
Highjliers. 

The Bucktails, in point of power and numerical im- 
portance, doubtless hold the first rank. Besids, 
they are believed to enjoy the peculiar favor of the 
Regency. Why they are called Bucktails, does not 
so clearly appear. Indeed some will have it that 
this is not their proper designation, whiQh they aver 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS 159 

is, and of right ought to be, Pugtail : for, [say they, 
the gentlemen of this party formerly belonged to a 
certain intelligent class of monkeys — of whom Lord 
Monboddo writes, that in process of time they rub- 
bed off, and fairly got rid of, their posterior append- 
age, and thenceforward took their rank among the 
human species. But this the Bucktails declare to be 
a most malicious slander, invented by the Feds, Quids, 
and others of their political opponents. On the con- 
trary, they aver that they take their name from that 
noble, branching, and heroic animal, the hucky whose 
tail, on certain public occasions, they wear attached 
to the seat of their breeches ; on which occasions they 
scamper about upon all fours, in imitation of that spir- 
ited and graceful quadruped. As to their precise po- 
litical notions, I am not aware that they differ very 
materiall}^ from the other parties, except that one of 
their principles is, to get all the fat offices, or " spoils," 
as they call them ; and the other is, to be careful ho w 
they offend the Regency — both of which principles I 
highly approve, as being both loyal and judicious ; and 
had I finally concluded to fix my myself in the coun- 
try, 1 should most certainly have attached myself to 
ihis party. 



160 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

The name of Feds — like lucus a nonlucendo — isbe- 
lieved to have originated in the doctrine of contrarie« ■, 
and that they were so called, because they did not suf- 
ficiently /eetZ their partizans ; and hence, though once 
an exceedingly powerful band and abundantly able to 
cope with the Bucktails, they soon lost their power 
and influence — and very justly too, for who would 
adhere to a party through thick and thin, unless they 
could find their account in il ? Surely none. It is 
money, or as we English say, good feed, that makes 
men loyal. Besides, these Feds held one very absurd 
principle, to wit : that the government was made for 
the people, and not the people for the government. 
But such paltry republican notions would'nt pass. 
The people, who are naturally loyal, returned to 
I'neir nrsi love— they went back to the Regency, and 
the Feds are now but an empty name. 

The Quids are a sort of third or middle men ; and 
their name is derived,according toCicero,from quid ter- 
tiujn,ov tertium quid. But Cicero, whatever might be his 
knowledge of matters and things among the ancients, 
was very little acquainted with the afiairs of modern 
times ; and I am rather inclined to adopt the opinion 
of Mrs. Trollope, to wit : that the Quids took their ap- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 161 

pellation from the practice of chewing tobacco, of 
which I take it for granted they were very fond. In- 
deed, according to this derivation, the tertium quid 
of Cicero might not badly apply to them ; because, 
being, on the supposition, excessively addicted to 
the Indian weed, and great beggars withal, as to- 
bacco-chewers generally are, they might call upon 
their friends for the tertium quid, or third chew, 
in the course of one political meeting, or debate. As 
to their principles, they were neither one thing nor 
another — neither Bucktail nor Fed — but half way be- 
tween. They were never so powerful as either of 
the other rival parties ; and as to their present exist- 
ence, unless they form the identical spitters, so justly 
belabored by Mrs. TroUope, I know not where to find 
them. 

The Burrites were so called from a habit they had 
of sticking to the skirts of the public like a hiir. Their 
leading principle was office ; and, like judicious and 
prudent men, they were not very particular to whose 
skirts they hung, provided they could thereby slip 
their hands into the pockets of the people. Tn their 
principles they did not very widely differ from the 
Bucktails; to whom, like real burs, they finally at- 
14* 



162 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

tached themselves, and were carried away upon the 
tails of the bucks. 

The Coots — sometimes called Cooties, or C oodles — 
were in reality neither more nor less than downright 
coots. They left the party of the Feds, because they 
were not sufficiently crammed to suit their cormorant 
appetites ; and they went over to. the Bucktails in 
hopes of enjoying the good fat haunches of office. But 
the Bucktails were not such sheep as the Coots took 
them to be. They saw through the trick, and would 
not give them so much as a head and pluck : where- 
fore, they soon abandoned their new friends, and 
from Coots presently assumed the name of, 

Highbinders, Highminders, or Highjiiers. And 
this brings me to the last division of the parties 
above mentioned. The Highfliers then were neither 
more nor less than disappointed Coots, as the Coots 
had been disappointed Feds. Having stooped to the 
Bucktails, and got nothing for their pains ; they all at 
once spread their wings, and soaring aloft, took the 
name of Highfliers, proudly declaring that the Buck, 
tails might go to the devil for all them — they did'nt 
want any of their fat gobbets of office — not they. 
They would'nt soil their fingers with them. For a very 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 163 

good reason, replied the Bucktails, because you can- 
not get them. As for the Highfliers, they finally flew 
away. They evanished ; and at present there is not a 
feather to be found of them. 



CHAPTER XXVI. 

I PART WITH MY IRISH FRIEND TAKE THE RAIL-ROAD 

TO SKENACKATY CRUELTY OF THE AMERICANS TO 

THE TORIES RIDING ON A RAIL TARRING AND 

FEATHERING ENOCH TIMBERTOES AGAIN MAJOR 

DOWNING DITTO. 

At Albany I parted with my Irish friend — or rather 
he parted with me, for he was in haste to get to the 
western country, where he could make his fortune at 
once, as he said, by buying " new land, wid a house 
and barn, and other convaniences on it, ready built jist 
as it came from the haad of nathur." Before going, 
however, he forced me to accept a sum of money, suf- 
ficient to keep me from any further attempt at drown- 
ing myself. 

From Albany I rode on a rail to Skenackaty, which 
is situated on the other side of the Mohawk river. — 
Speaking of riding on a rail, reminds me of what my 
Yankee acquaintance told me of the tories being com- 
pelled to ride on a rail, in the time of the rebellion. It 
was quite different, however, from the one on which I 



FIBBLETON'S TKA\ ELS. 165 

was riding, at the rate of fifty miles an hour. To tell 
the truth, this is quite an easy mode of travelling ; and 
were it not for the vile republican company with which 
the rail-road cars are continually crowded, would be a 
very agreeable one. 

But to return to the Yankee's account of the poor 
tories. '* Those contrary gentlemen," said he, 
'' used very often to ride on a rail ; but 'twas quite dif- 
ferent from the one we're now scampering over. They 
rode straddle and bare-backed in those revolutionary 
times, and the rail was sharper than the back of the 
poorest horse you ever saw. It was tearing work, 
that : for the men who carried it were a hard set, and 
jolted and bounced up the poor tories like a hard trot- 
ting horse, until they were nearly split up from one 
end to ik.e other.'- 

" Split up !" I exclaimed with a shudder ; *' what 
horrid savages, thus to murder His Majesty's loyal 
subjects !" 

"Oh, 'twas no murder," returned he with great 
nonchalance ; " it was merely teaching them better 
manners than to aid and abet the British — that's all. 
If they'd stuck to their own countrymen, they would'nt 
have been rid on a wooden horse bare-backed. But 
they took their own way, and the repubhcans took 
theirs." 



166 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

" And a most treasonable way it was," said 1 ; 'Mf 
His Majesty had only once got the rascals fairly in his 
hands, he would have hung them all, depend upon it. 
Why, their treatment of the poor loyal tories was mon- 
strous." 

"But you hav'nt heard the worst of it," said the 
Yankee ; "the riding on a rail was but a part of the 
blessing they got." 

"Blessing! do you call it?" 

*' Certainly, for they had reason to bless their stars 
it was no worse. After being rid on a rail, they might 
have been roasted alive, you know ; whereas, they 
were merely tarred and feathered." 

" Merely ! do you say ?" 

" Yes, I said merely. But perhaps you never had 
the pleasure of seeing a tory tarred and feathered ?" 

'' Not I, by heaven! and I hope I never shall. I'm 
a tory myself." 

" And therefore, of course, you have a kind of fel- 
low feeling for those gentry. I've always pitied the 
poor devils too, when I've heard the revolutioners tell 
about them, though I'm a son of a revolutioner myself. 
But I'll tell you how they used to serve them in those 
days. After riding them on a rail a few miles, they 
basted their naked skins well with warm tar, from head 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 167 

to foot, and then tossed them into a feather bed, one 
end of which had been ripped open for the purpose. — 
In this they were rolled over and over until the feathers 
were well stuck on ; when, coming out, they looked 
worse than any scare-crow you ever saw in your life." 

" Well, and what next ?" said I ; for though I am a 
man of true courage, as I proved in relation to the 
tifty guards of the Castle, I could not help experi- 
encing something of a horror to think I was sitting side 
by side, and riding on a rail with the- descendants of 
those rebels who had so tortured and persecuted His 
Majesty's loyal subjects. 

" What next?" said the Yankee ; "why nothing to 
speak of The people, after riding, basting, and 
feathering the tories, let them go ; they did'nt want to 
hurt them." 

" Very kind, indeed !" said I, with an ironical 
shiile. 

" You may well say that. Mister," said Enoch Tim- 
bertoes, who, as well as Major Downing, happened to 
be in the same carriage with myself; " for if I'd been 
aUve and kickin in them- are revolutionary times, the 
tories would'nt a come off so easy as they did, 1 tell 
you. I'd a sarved them up, a leetle the slickest you 
ever see, in ray Letters ; if 1 did'nt, then there's no 



168 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

snakes. I'd a made them squiinn and kick worse 'an 
they did when the hot tar was runnin over their hides^ 
depend upon it." 

As Enoch said this, he cast his quizzical eye round 
on the company ; and after taking out a quid of pig- 
tail from a steel tobacco-box, the Hd of which he 
brought down with a knowing snap, he threw himself 
back on his seat, and fixing his eye on Major Down- 
ing — "What do you think, Major," said he ; "don't 
you think I'd a made the fellows squirm a leetle ?" 

'' I do you t hink you would, Enoch," said he ; "for 
with the exception of myself — it's always manners you 
know, to except the present company — I'll agree that 
you hold a leetle the sharpest pen in the United 
States. I don't wish to boast of myself by no means. 
But my opportunities have been considerable, and I've 
made considerable use on 'em of late — that every body 
knows. With the managin the affairs of the nation 
at home and abroad, puttin down Nullificalion, takin 
Gineral Jackson along with me on my grand tower, and 
all that, my correspondence has increased on my 
hands so much, that I would git me a private secre- 
tary, but there's no trustin any body — they can't touch 
my style at all. Only see no^v the forged letters that 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 169 

are goin all over the country in my name 1 But they 
aint a circumstance to the real Major Downing. — 
Strange there can't be any thing nice, but some 
plaguy feller or other will try to counterfeit it. But 
there'll be other guess times in four years from now. 
No reflections on the Gineral, though." 



15 



CHAPTER XXVIL 

SKEIfACKATY COLLEGE SARATOGA DEFEAT OP THE 

REBELS BY GEIVERAL BURGOYNE CONGRESS WATER 

ITS EFFICACY IN MAKING CONGRESSMEN 1 TRY 

ITS EFFECTS IMMENSE CROWD AT THE SPRINGS 

SINGULAR MODE OF EATING AND SLEEPING. 

Skenackaty, as I said at the beginning of the last 
chapter, is situated on the Mohawk river — so called 
from its being formerly settled by a colony of the Mo^ 
hawk Dutch. The only thing worthy of note here, is 
a college, as it is denominated in America ; which 
means nothing more than a school where a parcel of 
boys learn Latin and Greek, and a few other things ; 
but, as I am credibly informed, are never whipped, as 
the boys are in England ; nor taught Arabic, Sanscrit, 
Bengalee, Chinese, or any other of the learned lan- 
guages of the Oriental East. 

1 was, however, assured that the master of Skenack- 
aty College, who is a stovemaker by trade, has the 
faculty of keeping his pupils in order without the use 
of the birch ; and that he every year turns out some 



riBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 171 

very respectable scholars, with the title of A. B. But 
for my part, I don't believe a word of it. I hold, with 
^fr. Fidler and the most celebrated English teachers, 
that it is utterly impossible to beat any thing into one 
end of the pupil, without applying the rod to the other. 
A boy cannot be a scholar, who has never been horsed 
on the back of a fellow pupil. I thank my stars, I 
never was neglected in that sort ; and my posterity 
will long have occasion to remember it with gratitude. 

From Skenackaty, I took the rail-road to Saratoga, 
o^* Saratogue, as Major Downing called it. This is 
the famous place where General Burgoyne defeated 
the rebels in the memorable battle of '63 ; though my 
Yankee acquaintance. Major Downing, Enoch Tim- 
bertoes, and all the Americans, would have it that 
there was no such battle fought in the year '63 ; and, 
moreover, that when the affair did take place, so far 
from the British general's winning the day, the rebels 
took him prisoner, with all his host, bag, and baggage. 
Such is the ignorance, or the prejudice of these vile 
Yankees ! 

" Burgwine," said the Major, " was a pretty consi- 
derable of a conqueror ! But old Gineral Gates made 
him surrender about the quickest. Why, I believe in 
2iiy soul I could a took him prisoner, if I'd been here, 



172 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

with nothing but my Downingville militia. But if you 
only wished to see fightin, you should a been at New- 
Orleans. You'd seen the Gineral pepper the British 
considerably, I take it. Howsomever, I don't want to 
hurt your feelins, bein you're an Englishman ; and 
bein also that I'm like to be next President : for I want 
to have a good understandin with the British, because » 
in all Ukelihood I shall have the settlin of the boun- 
dary line down east in the State of Maine, durin my 
administration." 

It was of no sort of use to quarrel with these Yan- 
kees, as I have already observed, and therefore I let 
them have their say, in regard to the affair of Sara- 
toga — though I am not so ignorant of history, as not 
to know in what year the battle was fought, as well as 
in what manner Burgoyne thrashed the Americans. 

Saratoga, as all the world knows, is a famous water- 
ing place ; but perhaps all the world does not know 
that the most popular spring is called Congress Spri ng. 
This, however, is absolutely the fact; and the reason 
wherefore it is so called, as I am informed, is, that this 
water is particularly drank by Congressmen ; and is 
moreover believed to be exceedingly efficacious in fit- 
ting a man to fill the honorable station of a member of 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 173 

Congress. This is pretty well proved by the fact, that 
nearly every Congressman in America may be seen 
at this spring, during the season ; and that all those, 
who wish to become members of Congress, in like 
manner resort to the same efficacious fountain. 

I was told, but I don't now precisely recollect, the 
number of gallons which a man must be able to drink 
before breakfast, in order to fit him for a place in the 
Congress of the nation. I think, however, that I do 
not overstate the qiantity, when I say it is not less than 
five gallons, beer measure. Nor will this appear so 
very improbable when I inform my reader, that such 
is the nature of this Congress water, that it runs 
through the system with very nearly the velocity of 
quicksilver ; all except the fixed air, which often re- 
mains stationary for upwards of a year, and is a prin- 
cipal reason o[ that ivindy quality, which is apt to dis- 
tinguish both those who are, and those who wish to 
be, members of Congress. 

Another thing, which may render it exceedingly 
probable that I have not overstated the quantity 
drank by the Congressman in esse, and the Congress- 
man in posse, is the fact that very delicate young la- 
dies often drink not less than three gallons of a morn- 
15* 



174 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ing ; and the ordinary allowance, before coffee, is two 
gallons and a half. 

For my part, as I have already hinted, I was dis- 
gusted with the country, and resolved to abandon it 
forever. But I could not resist so fair an opportunity 
as I now had, of trying my capacity for becoming a 
member of the American Congress. Accordingly I 
repaired to the Congress Spring early one morning, 
and commenced drinking with all the vigor of which 
I was capable. I knew perfectly well the extent of 
my powers in drinking beer and wine, in which I ex- 
ceeded every American, with whom I had made the 
trial, at least fifty per cent. I therefore very naturally 
drew this conclusion : if I excel them so much in my 
capacity for beer and wine, I shall certainly prove no 
less capacious of the article in question. But here I 
found to my cost that there was some flaw or other in 
my reasoning. My wine and beer logic would not an- 
swer for the Congress water : for though I drank till 1 
was well nigh split, I could not with my utmost exer- 
tions get down over four gallons and a fraction. 

" I shall never become a Congressman," said I, 
dashing down the glass, " and there's no use in killing 
myself for nothing." Who, af\er this, will say a word 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 175 

of the excellence of American institutions, when he is 
informed, that the chief and almost the only path to 
distinction lies through Congress Spring ? 

Thousands of other people, however, besides Con- 
gressmen and expectants, flock to this watering place ; 
and I]found the crowd so great, that it was next to im- 
possible to find room either for eating or lodging. — 
The principal houses were crammed with people from 
cellar to garret. To have a room to one's self, was 
utterly out of the question ; and the monopoly of a bed 
by one person, was not to be thought of. As many 
were piled in as could conveniently he, by placing them, 
like bags of cotton, one atop of the other. For my 
part, I preferred to take the under side of the bed, for 
here we only lay two deep. 

At meals we were scarcely more comfortable. We 
were compelled to sit, each one with a person in his 
lap. The ladies, of course, as far as their numbers 
would go, occupied this latter station ; and in order 
to prevent quarrelling among the gentlemen, as well 
as pulling caps among the ladies, the latter were drawn 
by lot. This did very well for such gentlemen as 
happened to get a lady who was neither too old nor 
too fat ; but to be loaded with three hundred weight 
of human flesh ; and especially to have that flesh in 



176 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

the person of one's own wife — was not in general eon- 
sidered a very desirable thing. Besides the disagree- 
able weight pressing upon one, it was no easy matter 
to eat with such a mountain between the mouth and 
the delicacies of the table. 

I was particularly unfortunate — every day having 
some man's fat wife, or some other more fortunate 
man's fat widow, quartered upon me. So that, what 
with the weight of these portly dames, the impossi- 
bility of eating, and the nearly equal impossibility of 
sleeping, I thought I should have died at Saratoga 
Springs. 

And yet people go there for their health. Whai an 
absurdity! Some, however, go for pleasure. But 
how there can be any pleasure in drinking from three 
to five gallons of water before breakfast, eating double, 
and sleeping heaps upon heaps, I do not well see. For 
myself, I pretty soon bade adieu to this fashionable 
watering place, resolving never again to seek health 
or pleasure at Saratoga. 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

aiflT SARATOGA PASS THROUGH TROY VIEW OF 

THE CITY AND ITS INHABITANTS — THE MANSION 

HOUSE LEBANON SPRING— BAY STATE— COMMENCE- 

IIENT OF THE REBELLION MISS FANNY HALL, AND 

HEH CRADLE OF LIBERTY. 

I was now resolved on returning to New- York, pre- 
paratory to my embarkation for England. Saratoga, 
said I, shall be the utmost limit of my travels. I have 
now seen enough, heard enough, and felt enough, to 
give a pretty accurate account of the whole country. 
A stranger's first impressions are the best ; and the 
shorter his stay, the more likely he will be to give an 
unbiassed description. 

Full of these sentiments, I left Saratoga. But 
though I was determined this should be the furthest 
boundary of my travels ; I was not determined abso- 
lutely to shut my eyes to such other towns, villages, 
or fashionable resorts, as might naturally fall in my 
way in returning to the sea-board. 



178 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

The first of these, which I shall particularly notice, 
is Troy. It is called after the ancient city of that 
name, and is situated a little to the west of Mount Ida. 
But whether the people, like the inhabitants of the 
ancient city, worship the heathen gods, 1 had not time 
to ascertain. I am inclined, however, to think, from 
what I observed of certain buildings very much resem- 
bling churches, that the'y have the Christian religion 
among them. 

The city is not half the size of the ancient Troy — 
at least I think so, though I never could exactly as- 
certain the extent or the population of that Homerie 
town. But this modern Troja^ besides being so dimi- 
nutive, has neither walls, gates, nor palaces. The 
inhabitants are nevertheless dignified with the name 
of Trojans, and appear as proud as if they had stood a 
ten years' siege against tha combined powers of Greece 
and Rome. They are mostly white, and speak tht 
English language with tolerable correctness for Ame- 
ricans ; though, as I was assured by sundry persons, 
they were originally descended from a colony of 
Yankees. 

These Trojans, (or Trugents, as they are sometimes 
called,) derive most of their present importance f^om 
what is denominated the side-cut; which, I take it, 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 179 

means neither more nor less than a sly way they have 
of hitting their neighbours under the fifth rib ; making 
a lodgment among their internal affairs ; and finally, 
like the vampire, depriving them of their blood before 
they are sensible of the wound. 

While in this city, I put up at the Mansion House, 
kept by Dr. Huddlestone ; which, by the way, reminds 
me that nearly every tavern-keeper in America is a 
doctor. This may seem a little odd to an Englishman ; 
but the cunning Yankees know how to turn it to their 
advantage. The gentleman, in his capacity of land- 
lord, stuffs his guests with all sorts of dainties, both 
eatable and drinkable. The consequence is, that they 
get sick ; when the same gentleman, in his capacity 
of physician, attends them — and thus, acting both as 
doctor and host, he has a twofold drain upon their 
pockets. In regard to Dr. Huddlestone, however, I 
must say, that though he fed me v/ell, he had no 
chance whatever of huddling a stone upon me — as the 
old epitaph quaintly expresses it — for I took special 
©are not to get sick. 

From Troy, my next stage was to Lebanon Springs 
— or rather I should say Spring — for there is but one, 
though it is sufficiently large to turn a cotton mill with 



180 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

two thousand spindles ; besides carrying machinery 
for the manufacture of pewter looking-glasses and 
wooden grindstones. The Americans, it must be 
owned, in spite of their illiteracy, rudeness, and want 
of civilization, are in the main an enterprising people. 
Lebanon Spring is situated on the side of a steep 
hill, in the township of New-Lebanon, which is on tho 
border of Massachusetts, otherwise called the Bay 
State. I n this State it was, that the rebelHon broke 
out. The women of Boston, which is the metropolis 
of all New-England, refused to make their tea in the 
manner prescribed by the British statutes ; but must 
needs, in the mere spirit of contradiction, throw it all 
in common into one huge tea-pot, and make a cold in- 
fusion, which so heated His most gracious Majesty, 
that he sent an army to punish them for their refrac- 
tory conduct. The husbands of course could do no 
less than take the part of their wives, and so the re- 
bellion was got up. From Boston it spread to Bunker 
Hill, where the ruins of a monument, erected to com- 
memorate the affair, are still to be seen ; from Bunker 
Hill, it ran like wild-fire to Concord and Lexington ; 
and from thence it spread to every part of the State. 
Nor did it stop in Massachusetts, but kept on from one 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 181 

©nd of the country to the other, and the whole land 
was shortly in a blaze. Such was the effect of our 
most gracious King's attempt to interpose his rightful 
prerogative in regulating the tea-tables of the disloyal 
dames of Boston. 

In this ancient metropolis, I understand, is still to be 
seen the cradle of one Miss Fanny Hall — a pert 
minx, who became a mother without being a wife ; 
and who had the nursing of John Hancock, Sam 
Adams, and several others of those turbulent rebels, 
who helped to set the country in a blaze, and finally 
to rob his Majesty of so large a portion of his rightful 
dominions. But what I was going to observe, was, 
the identical cradle, in which Miss Fanny Hall rocked 
these notorious rebels, is still preserved with great 
care in Boston, and is shown exultingly — perhaps I 
should say insultingly — by the people of that place, 
under the name of the Cradle of Liberty. 

Great is the power of names, and great is the effect 
thereof. The Bostonians are aware of this, and there- 
fore, as I am told, they take incredible pains to have 
their sons, almost as soon as they are born, rocked 
in the Cradle of Liberty, that they may thence imbibe 
ideas at variance with all loyal and sound principles 
16 



182 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

of government, and be forever prevented from return- 
ing, as they otherwise might, under the paternal wing 
of the British monarchy. 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

EXTRAORDINARY HEAT OF THE LEBANON SPRING 

ITS GREAT CONVENIENCE IN MATTERS OF COOKERY 

NOT BEING AWARE OF ITS INTENSE HEAT,I AM 

NEARLY SCALDED TO DEATH INDIFFERENCE OF 

TII^ iANDLORD. 

Lebanon Spring — as I just observed, when my 
attention was withdrawn by the tea-rebellion in the 
last chapter — is situated on the sid3 of a steep hill. It 
is a boiling spring, and the water is so hot, that an 
egg may be cooked in the space of half a minute. 
This makes it very convenient for Mr. Whole, who 
ia the proprietor thereof and the keeper of the princi- 
pal house : for such being the heat of the spring, it is 
entirely unnecessary ever to boil the pot or kindle a 
fire under the tea-kettle. I saw large potatoes — I 
mean for America — cooked in three minutes ; large 
beets in four, and a good-sized Virginia ham in six. 
A leg of mutton was cooked in still less time. But 
these are not to be compared with the English legs — 



184 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS, 

the sheep in America being generally of a very di- 
minutive size, not much exceeding that of an English 
hare. 

But this is sufficient to show the exceeding heat of 
the water, and the great convenience to the proprie- 
tor, as well as the immense saving of fuel, which is 
beginning to be very scarce in this part of America, 
though I am told it is still very abundant beyond the 
Mississippi. All that is requisite in cooking at this 
spring, is, to have one corner partitioned off from the 
main body of the fountain, into which the meats, veg- 
etables, and so forth, are thrown, in such quantities as 
are requisite for feeding the large number of guests 
with which the table of Mr. Whole is constantly 
thronged ; while, for making tea and coffee, other 
smaller compartments are used ; and the smoking be- 
verage is forced up by steam in a thousand different 
conduits, each of which ends in a convenient stop- 
cock, just in front of the guest as he sits at table. All 
this I am ready to avouch on the word of a traveller ; 
and although it has not been noticed, so far as I can 
find, either in the books of Captain Hall, Mrs. Trol. 
lope, or the Reverend Mr. Fidler, still it is none 

the less true ; and here I must again declare, that in 
spite of the ignorance^ the incivility, and unpardonable 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 185 

rudeness of these turbulent republicans there is 
among them a very considerable spirit of enterprise, 
and a very creditable display of ingenuity. 

The Lebanon Spring is much used for bathing ; and 
so soft is the water, that a man may lie and sleep on 
it, as he does on a feather bed. It is conveyed 
by leaden pipes into a bathing-house; where, in order 
to moderate its temperature and render it bearable by 
the human body, it is drawn into the baths with a 
due proportion of cool water. Each bather, by means 
of stop-cocks, can regulate the temperatature to suit 
himself. For want of paying particular attention to 
this circumstance, and before I was acquainted with 
the great heat of the water, T came very near Scalding 
myself to death. Wishing to take a warm bath, and 
supposing the water of course to be of the right tem- 
perature, I drew solely from the hot pipe. Having 
got sufficient for my purpose, aud being divested of 
my clothing, I incautiously leaped in. But, heavens 
and earth ! never trout leaped out of a boiling kettle 
sooner than I leaped out again. Had it not been for 
this dexterous movement, I verily believe my entire 
skin would have gone by the board ; nay perhaps I 
should have been cooked alive like a lobster. A« it 
16» 



186 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

was, my skin became the color of one of those boiled 
gentry, and was for some days as sore as the heart of 
a disappointed belle, or the conscience of a detected 
fe Ion. 

This accident was entirely owing to the fault of 
Mr. Whole, for had he previously advertised me of 
the uncommon heat of the water, I should in all pro- 
bability not have been scalded. But there is, gener- 
ally speaking, no such thing as either courtesy or 
humanity among the people of this country. Who 
but an American landlord would ever think of 
parboiling his guests, under pretence of bathing 
them 1 

In consequence of my accident, I was obliged to 
stay some days longer than I had calculated at this 
watering place ; and when I was at last able to get 
away, I insisted upoij it that mine host should deduct 
something from my bill. 

" Deduct !" exclaimed he, " wherefore ? Have I not 
kept you well ?" 

"Certainly," said I, "but that is no excuse for 
scalding me." 

" Ha, ha, ha !" said he, laughing aloud before a 
hundred people—" I am very sorry for the condition 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 187 

of your skin. But any fool might have known better 
than to get into a scalding hot bath." 

This was all the satisfaction I could get, and so I 
paid my bill and came away. 



CHAPTER XXX. 

©ET INTO THE WRONG STAGE ARRIVE AT PITT8- 

riELD FURIOUS DEMOCRATS DISAGREE AMONG 

THEMSELVES—THE GREAT ELM ANECDOTE OF THB 

SAME THE MUSKET-MILL CHESHIRE THE FA- 
MOUS APPLE-PIE AND CHEESE. 

From Lebanon, I took the stage for Albany, deter- 
mining now, in the shortest possible time, to reach 
New-York, and embark for my native land. But I 
verily believe I am born to disappointments, delays, 
misfortunes, and cross accidents. Otherwise how 
should it happen that, when I wished to travel 
west, I found myself travelling east ? Yet such was 
actually the case. Before I discovered that I was in 
the wrong coach, I found myself in a little place call- 
ed Pittsfield, in honor of a great man. Had it not 
been for this appearance of^good sense and loy- 
alty in the people, I never should have forgiven 
my unlucky stars for bringing me po far out of the 
way. 

I soon had occasion to remember, however, that all 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 189 

is not gold that glistens ; for though the people here 
had, with apparent loyalty, named their village after 
the great Earl of Chatham, 1 found them to be the 
most notorious set of flaming democrats that I had 
met with during the whole course of my travels, in 
the most democratic of all democratic countries. They 
do nothing from morning till night, but damn all 
crowned heads, curse all monarchies, and execrate all 
legitimate governments. The principal innkeeper, 
whom I found to be a very civil fellow, for an Ameri- 
can, they stigmatize with the name of the Old Feder- 
al ; and during the last war against England, as I am 
told, were so furiously democratic, that they pulled 
all the leaves out of Watt's Psalm-book ; and would 
not go to church where the common version of the 
Bible was used, because ii was translated by order of 
His most gracious Majesty, James L, of England. 

But enemies as the Pittsfieldians are to crowned 
heads, they never can agree among themselves. If 
they cannot find any thing else to quarrel about, 
they'll fight, as Hudibras F^ys, 

" like mad or drunk, 
For dame Religion r»s for punk." 

The only thing they ever pretend to agree about, is 



190 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

the Great Elm, as it is boastingly called. It is cer- 
tainly a very noble tree, for America ; but instead of 
being five hundred feet high, as the people constantly 
assert, I verily believe it is not above two hundred and 
fifty. But even this object of common pride they do 
not at all times agree about. For instance, it is not 
long since one party were for having it levelled with 
the earth, and the roots grubbed up, because, as they 
had been told by some mischievously disposed person, 
it was not a real repubUcan tree, but was standing, a 
loyal elm, at the time of the rebellion. 

"Darnatlon seize the tory tree!" said they; " we 
woA't have it stand here any longer, sticking up its 
proud aristocratic head above us all, as though we 
were not good enough to kiss its great toe. Down 
with it ! down with Jt !" continued they ; " we'll 
have no monuments of British oppression staring us 
in the face at this time of day, not we !" And these 
furious democrats, seizing their axes, would inevitably 
have levelled the pride of the village with the earth, 
had not some one of the more moderate party found 
means to convince them that the tree was a good re- 
publican tree ; that it had been planted by republican 
hands, and nourished by republican sap ; and though 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 191 

it was indeed a proud and lofty tree, it had never 
shown any signs whatever ofbeing opposed to the feel- 
ings and interests of the people. The man had no 
sooner ended this eloquent and convincing speech, 
than those, who a moment before had been ready to 
strike at the heart of the tree, now threw up their rag- 
ged hats and cried as loud as they could bawl, 

" Hurrah ! hurrah ! for the elm. Long live our 
beautiful repubhcan elm !" 

As I was carried to Pittsfield by mistake, I had nei- 
ther time nor inclination to make myself very' parti- 
cularly acquainted with its affairs. I could not help 
taking notice, however, that it was a very pretty 
place ; and that the buildings, considering they were 
American, were in very good taste. There is a Med- 
ical Institution, as it is called, and a High School ; 
but the most remarkable thing I heard of, was the 
Musket-Mill. 

This is employed in manufacturing fire-arms for 
one Uncle Sam, who I take it is the same old gentle- 
man that I have before spoken of as master of the 
military school at West Point. These muskets are 
made by merely throwing into the mill a parcel of 
i'reu ore and some black walnut frees ; when the iron 



192 FIBBLETONS TRAVELS. 

is presently converted into barrels, and the trunks of 
the trees into stocks ; while the dross of the ore and 
the limbs of the trees are thrown out as refuse at the 
tail of the mill, where the obedient stream soon carries 
them away. There is certainly, among the Yan- 
kees, a very considerable degree of ingenuity in the 
mechanic arts. 

By the by, speaking of furious democrats, I must 
relate what I heard, of a place called Cheshire, about 
ten miles to the north of Pittsfield, and ten times more 
democratic, if possible, than that democratic place. 
There, even the women are all democrats, as appears 
by the following : 

It was during the reign of Thomas Jefferson, that 
bloody rebel who declared the Independence of Ame- 
rica, that the women of Cheshire, a place famous for 
its dairies — like Cheshire in Old England — made a 
great cheese, which they called the Mammoth Cheese. 
One hundred and thirty of them, as I was informed, 
clubbed their curds, each weighing one hundred 
weight — so that the whole combined cheese weighed 
no less than thirteen thousand pounds. This, when 
completed, they sent, by the parson of the town, to 
President Jefferson, accompanied with a half-acpe 
apple-pie to match. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 193 

But what did the President do? Did he thank 
them for their compliment ? Not at all. He mere- 
ly said to his niggers, as the clerical ambassador pre- 
sented the pie and cheese, " Here, Tom, Dick, Cato, 
Sambo, Cudjo, and the rest, to the number of one 
thousand, unload this cheese, and roll^it into the barn ; 
and, do you hear, put the apple-pie with it. They're 
good enough for niggers ; and don't you ask me for 
any thing more to eat for six months to come." Such 
was the reception of the famous apple-pie-and-cheese 
present ! But this is the way with all your rude un- 
civilized republicans. 



4^ 



r 



* 



17 



CHAPTER XXXI. 

GET INTO THE RIGHT STAGE PASS THE SHAKERS — - 

aUERY HOW THEY PROPAGATE THEIR SPECIES 

THEIR RELIGION — GENERAL LAXITY OF THE AMERI- 
CANS IN RELIGIOUS MATTERS SPLENDOR OF THE 

shakers' TEMPLE. 

The next time I embarked for Albany, I took care 
to get into the right coach. We repassed Lebanon 
Spring, and came in sight of the Shakers. These sin- 
gular people are descended from Mrs. Anne Lee, 
whom they always call by the affectionate title of 
Mother Anne. How her descendants have become so 
very numerous, as I am told they are — amounting at 
the present time to several thousands — I could not well 
make out — as I understand they neither marry nor 
employ any of the ordinary means of propagating the 
species. 

Virgil, as well as I can recollect my Latin, used to 
tell us how the bees gathered their young from the 
leaves of plants ; and Ovid relates a story of one Duke 
Alien and his wife Peggy, who, after the world was 
destroyed by the flood, repeopled it by throwing bowl- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 195 

ders behind their backs. But those things were done 
in ancient times ; and both the bees and the people of 
modern days have in general quite a different way of 
continuingthe species. Nevertheless I would not be po- 
sitive but that the Shakers, who piously reject all the 
commonly received modes, may increase their num- 
bers and raise up a posterity in the Duke Alien mode, 
for I am told there is not a bowlder to be seen on their 
premises ; and unless they are used up in the manner 
aforesaid, I know not what has become of them. 

The Shakers are altogether a very curious sort of 
people. Instead of worshipping God, as the Christians 
-do, they meet together of a Sunday, and sing, and 
dance, and cut strange capers, by way of apology for 
religion. They also shake as if they would fall to 
pieces ; and from this last exercise it is, that they are 
called Shakers. 

Surely such a people would not be tolerated in 
England. His Majesty would compel them to be 
Christians, on pain of being deprived of their privi- 
leges, both social and political, both civil and religious. 
But in America they are permitted to do as they 
please ; to dance by way of religion, or to let it alone. 
They are not even required to pay tithes, as all Catho- 



196 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

lies, Presbyterians, Jews, Quakers, and other heretics 
are among us, for the support of the national church. 

But the Shakers are not the only people in America 
who are permitted to do as they please in matters of 
religion. All sorts of heretics are allowed the same 
privilege. In fact they are placed on an equality with 
real Christians ; and a Roman Catholic, a Methodist, 
a Shaker, or even a Jew, might be President of the 
United States. Such is the laxity in regard to reUgion 
among these unciviHzed republicans ! But it is not 
in the least to be wondered at; for those who will not 
stick at denying the divine right of kings, of course 
will not stick at any thing. 

It must be owned, however, in regard to the Shak- 
ers, that they are not totally destitute of good qualities. 
Besides clearing all the copple-stones, and other hard- 
heads off of their land, they raise the earliest pease, 
make the best brooms, and keep the neatest houses, 
in all the land. I could not help taking notice of their 
temple, or place of worship, as I passed within about 
half a mile of it. The roof, instead of being ridged 
like a Christian church, is arched over from one end 
to the ^'ther, and is covered with one entire sheet of 
silver. The effect, as it glittered in the rays of the 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 197 

aeclining sun, was very striking, for an American 
scene ; and I could not help regretting that so much 
wealth and splendor should be wasted upon a house for 
the benefit of such heathens. 



IT'f 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

SCHODUCK, OR SHOW-DUCK BARBAROUS NAMES IN 

AMERICA HORSES ON A TREADMILL REACH AL- 
BANY ONCE MORE THE BASIN THE GREAT WEST- 
ERN CANAL BUILT BY SIR HENRY CLINTON. 

On my way to Albany, I passed through a little 
village, called Schoduck, or Show-duck ; though I did 
not see a duck, drake, or any other feathered being, in 
the whole place, except two or three crows, which were 
sitting a little way off, on the top of a dry tree, and 
watching for the stage-horses, or passengers, I could 
not exactly learn which. 

But what I meant particularly to take notice of, 
was, the strange sounding name of the place. But this 
is nothing to what they have in America. Such a 
barbarous set of hard words were never before got 
together in any country. There is Skenackaty, and 
Schaghticoke, and Taghkanick, and Merrimack, and 
Hackmatack, and Kinderhook, and Cattaraugus, and 
Tonnawanta, and Tomhannock, and Onondoggy, and 
Chittiningo, and Skintheatlas, and Coshockton, and Na- 
raganset, and Tappahannuck, and Penobscut, and We- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 19 9 

hawken, and Cooksoggy, and Conistoga, andCockna- 
woggy, and Annaquassuck, and the devil knows what. 
How under the sun these people could scrape together 
such a villanous set of hard, jaw-breaking words, I 
pannot conceive. But one thing I can easily under- 
stand, namely, that it proves them to be in a very bar- 
barous and uncivilized state. 

After leaving Schoduck, I noticed nothing worth 
noticing till we came to the North River, which we 
crossed, to Albany, on a kind of boat which is moved 
by horses, in the manner of a tread-mill. There are 
two of these poor animals, one of which is stationed 
with his head towards the bow of the boat, and the 
other with his head to the stern. In this position they 
keep moving all the time^ and fancy they are going 
ahead, when they do not advance an inch. Where- 
fore they are thus punished, I could not learn. They 
appeared to be very honest, civil horses ; and, except 
that each of them had lost an eye — which I suppose 
had been gouged out — I could not perceive that they 
differed very materially from our English horses. But 
I never saw any thing, except human beings, walking 
on a tread-mill in England. 

I found Albany, as near as I could judge, in the 



200 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

same place where 1 left it. But there was one thing 
which I had not before noticed, namely, the Basin, as 
it is called ; which is no other than a large artificial 
pond, out of which the Great Western Canal is fed. 
It is therefore, with more propriety of language than 
is usually to be found among the Americans, called a 
basin — in allusion no doubt to one of those vessels out 
of which aldermen and other gourmands are accus- 
tomed to eat their turtle soup. 

This famous canal was built by Sir Henry Clinton 
in the time of the revolution. Having subdued the 
State of New-York, he turned his attention to internal 
improvements ; and employed his soldiers, in their 
idle hours, in excavating this great work. But he had 
scarcely got it completed, when, by the peace of '83, 
the State was surrendered to America, and thus Great 
Britain lost all the benefit of this immense labor, 
achieved by her victorious general. 

The above, as every body knows, is matter of his- 
tory ; and yet the Americans, with characteristic pride 
and self-conceit, arrogate to themselves all the glory 
of this great work ; and go so far as to say, that it was 
one De Witt Clinton, a canal-digger, whom I have be- 
fore mentioned, instead of the great Sir Henry Clinton, 
who achieved the work. This was too much. I could 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 201 

not endure to have the honor of Old England attacked, 
in the person of one of her favorite sons ; and I more 
than once came very near quarrelling with the Ameri- 
cans on this very topic. But, thanks to the Regency ! 
I had them on my side ; and the arrogant claims of 
this De Witt, unless I very much mistake, are now 
forever silenced, and those of Sir Henry fully estab- 
lished. 



CHAPTER XXXIII. 

DESCEND THE RIVER IN THE ERIE STEAMER COMMO- 
DORE PERRY MAJOR DOWNING AGAIN HIS AC- 
COUNT OF HIS AND THE PRESIDENT'S RECEPTION IN 
NEW-YORK. 

Recollecting the hazard I formerly ran on board 
the night-boat, I determined to take the day-Hght for 
descending the river. I came down in the Erie 
steamer, which, though a very respectable boat, is not 
to be compared, for magnitude, to the De Witt CUn- 
ton ; not being, as I should judge, over three hun- 
dred feet long, and otherwise tolerably proportioned. 
But the figure-head is out of all taste, besides being an 
insult to his Majesty's faithful subjects. At first, I did 
not understand it. But seeing a human figure, in na- 
val uniform, standing at the bow of the boat as stiff" as 
a poker, I asked who it was. 

" That's Commodore Perry," was replied in the 
voice of Major Jack Downing, who I now perceived 
was again in company. 

" And who's Commodore Perry ?" said I. 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. • 203 

*' Don't you know Commodore Perry ?" demanded 
he, in a tone of great surprise. 

" 1 must say I do not," I replied ; " though I dare 
say he's one of our naval heroes, whose name I've for- 
gotten." 

" He is'nt one of your naval heroes by considerable," 
said the Major; "and what's more, he's not a man to 
be forgot in one day." 

" No !" said I, " what great things has he done?" 

" No great, to be sure — he only took the whole 
British fleet on Lake Erie." 

" Do you call that no great ?" 

" Why, nothing to speak on, considerin who he 
had to fight with. But he did lick the John Bulls, 
that's true, a leetle grain the hardest that ever they 
was licked. And he could write too, as well as fight. 
Now I call myself somethin of a neat chap at the quill ; 
but for dov;nright short hand. Perry was considerably 
the cutest fellow that ever draw'd a pen. After beat- 
in the British in fifteen minutes, he writ an account of 
it to government in five words. And that was a leetle 
grain neater than I could do it, used as I am to the 
pistolary business. But Perry was a modest man, as 
vrell as a brave one. See how unpretendin he looks !" 

" Curse his pretensions !" isaid I ; " what have I K) 



•204 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

do with them ?" and I walked directly to the stern of 
the boat. * I was there, however, pretty soon followed 
by the Major, who asked me if I was in New-York at 
the time of the President's visit. 

'* I believe so," said T, rather shortly. 
" Then you see us in the procession, I suppose ?" 
said he, a little proudly. 
"Not I." 

"You did'ntseeus?" 

ii No — I kept in the house all that day. I hav'nt 
any taste for these displays of the rabble." 

" No taste ? what a pity ! If you'd been out that 
day, you'd a seen me and the Gineral figurin consider, 
able large, I guess. There never was any thing like 
it in New-York afore. There was I, a leetle ahead of 
the Gineral, on my cream-eolored mare, that I always 
ride when 1 command the Downingville Militia ; and 
there was the Gineral, on his dapple-gray horse ; and 
we did figure in rather the genteel est style that you 
ever see, I'll be bound. There .was Martin Van 
Buren too, on a leetle old sorrel horse, tryin to keep 
up along side of me and the Gineral ; and endeavorin 
to take the shine off of us by bowin and bowin to the 
folks, the same as I and the Gineral did. But 'twas 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 205 

all of no use. The people was so taken up with me 
and the Gineral, that they had'nt any time to notice 
the Vice President. 'Twas all, Hurrah for Major 
Downing! Hurrah for Gineral Jackson ! And then 
there was such a shakin of white handkitchers out of 
the winders, and so many handsome women's eyes 
peepin down upon me and the Gineral, that 'twas 
enough to make a man pretty near jump out of his 
skin, to be taken sich notice of. The Gineral was 
considerably touched, I tell you. Says he to me. Ma- 
jor Downing, if I was'nt an old man Nevermind 

that, says I, Gineral, you're pretty tough yet, and 
likely to outlive many a younger man. Besides, you 
are a widower, says 1. That's what I was a thinkin 
about, says he. Major — and then he turned up his face 
and winked at a pretty gat, that was shakin her hand- 
kitcher out of a chamber winder — these handsome 
women, says he, are enough to make a man think of 

marryin again. But I'm so old. Major Downing 

A fig for that, says f , Gineral — the gals won't like you 
any the worse for your hair bein grey — for you've 
got plenty of it, sich as it is. But if the gals in New- 
York won't have you, says 1, there's enough down 
east that will. Do you think so, Major? says he, 
18 



206 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

brightenin up considerable. I do indeed, Gineral, 
says I, for they're raal Jackson gals in the State of 
Maine ; and I'll do what I can for you in Downingville, 
where I'm pretty well acquainted with all the women 
that's worth lookin at. Well, says he, Major Down- 
ing, I'll think of that another time — at present I have 
as much as I can do to look at these women here. By 
the etarnal ! says he, lookin up to a sartain winder, 
on the left hand, them are bright eyes, if they aint 
— — That's true, Gineral, says I, and they're lookin 
right straight at me. You be d — d ! says the Gineral, 
says he. I would a stopped him, as I commonly do, 
afore he got the word out ; but he got ahead of me that 
time. Howsomever, he soon got over his anger and 
jealousy, and chatted away as good-natured as a kit- 
ten. So we went on, I and the Gineral, prancin and 
curvettin up Broadway ; and if ever there was an 
expression of public opinion in favor of any two men, 
it was me and the Gineral. As for Martin Van Buren, 
poor man, I pitied him. He never fairly got over an 
accident he met with at the Castle Garden bridge, when 
it broke down, and he had to seize hold of the tail of 
the Gineral's horse to keep his head above water. He 
did what he could to recover ; but he was'nt a circum- 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 207 

stance to me and the Gineral, all the rest of the tower. 
I shall never forget what he said to me in Boston, 
after the people had been hurrahin for me and the 
Gineral, and not takin any more notice of him than 
they would of a common man. Says he, Major Down- 
ing, says he, as he wiped the sweat off of his fore . 
head, which was runnin down out of mere mortification 
— says he. Major Downing, between you and me, 
^ my sufferins is intolerable !" 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 

ARRIVE IN NEW-YORK DETAINED BY THE PACKETS 

STROLL THROUGH THE MARKET PURCHASE A WA- 
TERMELON EAT IT, AND FIND IT A SQUASH QUIT 

KEW-YORK AND THE COUNTRY FOREVER. 

I ARRIVED at New-York without any accident 
worthy of these pages; and determined to embark the 
very next day for Old England. But on going to the 
offices of the London and Liverpool packets, I was 
told that none of them would sail in less than three 
days. This, it may well be supposed, was no agree- 
able news, to a man who longed again to set foot in his 
own country ; and I endeavored to persuade the owners 
of one or the other of these lines to despatch a ship at 
an earlier day for my especial accommodation. But 
I could not move them an inch, though I used all the 
arguments of which I was master ; and among other 
things told them 1 had been treated with so little consi- 
deration, and moreover entertained so contemptible an 
opinion of the whole country, that I would not if I 
oould help it remain another day upon its shores. But 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 209 

they only laughed at this statement, and told me that 
if I was in such haste to go, it was a great pity I could 
not find some immediate conveyance, for the people 
would be quite as glad to get rid of me, as I shouldof 
them ; but as to despatching a packet a moment sooner 
than the regular time of sailing, they would'nt do it, 
even for the accommodation of an Emperor. 

Such being the case, I was fain to make myself 
easy ; at least as easy as my uneasy situation would 
permit. I whiled away the time as well as I could, 
sometimes lounging on the Battery, at other times 
mingling with the gentry in Broadway, and then again 
walking through the market-place to spy out the 
nakedness of the land. 

The productions 1 found there, both animal and 
vegetable, were in general quite inferior to the same 
kinds in England. I, however, noticed what I took to 
be [some very tolerable looking watermelons, though 
the shape was quite different from any 1 had ever seen 
at home. Tempted with the luscious appearance, I pur- 
chased one ; and having borrowed a case-knife of th« 
market-woman, I sat down to enjoy my feast. On cut- 
ting it open, I noticed that the inside was yellow and the 
•eeds white. I perceived a snickering among the wc^ 
18* 



210 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

men, as if some strange thing had happened. But I 
imputed it to the ill-breeding which pervades all class- 
es in America, as well the lowest as the highest ; and 
I kept on steadily eating my watermelon, without 
taking any notice whatever of their rudeness. 

I had been thus employed for some time, when I was 
accosted by a gentleman whom I had never seen be- 
fore, and who, with that rudeness which characteri- 
zes all classes — as well the highest as the lowest — 
asked me what I was eating ? 

At first I had a great mind not to answer him. But 
finally concluding that the sooner I replied to his im- 
pertinence, the sooner I should get rid of him — I told 
I told him I was eating a watermelon, if he must 
know. 

" Well, how do you like it ?" said he. 

<' Very well," I replied, " but I don't think it quite 
equal to our English melons." 

As I said this, he burst into of horse-laugh, and 
told me I had been eating a squash, instead of a 
melon. 

*' A squash " said I, " what a notorious liar !" 

"Nothing but a squash, I assure you," said he. 
Then speaking to the woman who bad sold me the 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 211 

melon, and who had a large pile of the same kind of 
fruit lying beside her — "Goody," said he, "what 
made you sell this honest gentleman a squash for a 
watermelon?" 

" Why, la ! sir," she replied, " I did'nt do any 
sich thing. He asked me no questions, and I told him 
no lies. I sell squashes to any body that wants 'em. 
If they chuse to eat them raw, it's no consarn of 
mine." 

The gentleman again burst into a horse-laugh, in 
which he was joined by all the by-standers, and pre- 
sently the whole market was in a roar — the old wo- 
man, clapping her hands upon her fat sides, and uni- 
ting with the rest in their most impertinent and ob- 
streperous merriment. 

" If you will laugh at my expense," said I, rising 
up, and indignantly throwing the remains of the 
squash-melon at the old woman's head, "I see no rea- 
son why I should stay to hear you." And so I walk- 
ed off. 

The three days at length passed away. They had 

seemed to me as long as three years; and never did 
tired school-boy see the end of his lesson, with mor« 
joy than I witnessed the close of these days. I had 



212 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

been nearly four months in America; I had travelled 
as far as Saratoga Springs ; I had seen much of Ame- 
rican manners, both in high life, and low-life ; I had 
passed through a variety of fortunes, from tolerable 
affluence to the very depths of poverty ; I had been 
in the " Slough of Despond," and even in the mud of 
the dock ; I had seen and conversed with the princi- 
pal men in the country, not excepting Major Down- 
ing, the candidate for the next Presidency ; and final, 
ly, to sum up all in one word, I had been thoroughly 
disgusted with the place, and therefore was the better 
prepared to give a true account of it in my contem- 
plated work. 

The morning of my departure at length came ; and 
precisely at 10 o'clock I repaired on board the steam- 
er Rufus King, which was to take me from the foot of 
Battery Place to the Liverpool packet, which was 
lying in the outer bay. I shook the dust from my 
feet, as I went aboard ; and the steamer putting out 
from the wharf, I turned my back upon the city, and 
saw it no more. 

The porpuses played merrily about the boat, and 
cut their antic capers as if nothing had happened. 
The sun shone bright, the breeze blew light, and th« 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 213 

gulls flew round without taking any notice of my de- 
parture. At length the steamer reached the packet. 
She made fast. She towed the tall ship beyond the 
Hook. Friends parted, hands were wrung, tears 
were shed ; but nobody wept for me. The ship put 
off one way, and the steamer put off the other ; and I 
descended to the cabin, to shut out forever from my 
sight the hated shores of America. 

Note.— Had not Mr. Fibbleton been in so great haste to add his 
name to that distinguished list of writers, whom he seems so proud 
to emulate, he might have found another glorious example in th® 
■nrork of Mr. Hamilton, entitled, " Men and Manners in Ame- 
rica." Howevei-, in order that the public may have no cause to 
regret this precipitancy of the Ex- Barber, we will give them a few 
extracts from Mr. Hamilton's book, which may serve as a joroof 
that he is not a whit behind the most renowned of his race — not 
even Mrs. TroUope herself— in his love of truth, and his freedom 
from prejudice and ill nature- ameeican editor. 

v. NEW-YORK. 

•* The aspect and bearing of the citizens of New-York, 
are certainly very distinguishable from any thing ever seen 
in Great Britain. They are generally slender in person, 
somewhat slouching in gait, and without that openness of coun- 
tenance and erectness of deportment to which an English eye ha« 
been accustomed. Their utterance, too, is marked by a peculiar 
modulation, partaking of a snivel and a drawl, which, I confess, 
to my ear, is by no means laudable on the score of euphony." 

The Breakfast Table. — " Departures, which had begun 
even before I took my place at the able, became every instant 
more mmierous, and in a few minutes the apartment had become, 
what Moore beautifully describes in one of his songs, " a ban- 
quet-hall deserted." The appearance of the table, under such cir. 
cumstances, was by no means gracious, either to the eye or the 
fancy. It was strewed thickly with the disjecta membra of the en- 
twtainm'int. Here, lay fragments of fish, somewhat unpleasantly 



214 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

ordoriferous ; there, the skeleton of a chicken ; on the right, a 
mustard-pot upset, and the cloth, passim, defiled with stains of 
eggs, coffee, gravy — but I will not go on with the picture. One 
nasty custom, however, I must notice. Eggs, instead of being 
eat from the shell, are poured into a wine-glass, and after being 
duly and disgustingly churned up with butter and condiment, the 
mixture, according to its degree of fluidity, is forthwith either 
spooned into the mouth, or drunk off like a liquid. The advan. 
tage gained by this unpleasant process, 1 do not profess to be 
quaUfied to appreciate ; but I can speak from experience to its 
sedative effect on the appetite of an unpractised beholder." 

"The Exchange is a petty affair, and unworthy of a commu. 
nity so large and opulent as that of New-York. With regard to 
churches, those frequented by the wealthier classes are built of 
stone, but the great majority are of timber. Their arcliitectur* 
in general is anomalous enough ; and the wooden spires, ter- 
minating in gorgeous weathercocks, are as gay as the lavish em- 
ployment of "the painter's brush can make them." 

" But the chief attraction of New-York is the Broadway, which 
ruus through the whole extent of the city. The sides are skirted 
by a row of stunted and miserable-looking poplars, useless eithe* 
for shade or ornament, which breaks the unity of the street with- 
out compensation of any sort." 

" One of my earliest occupations was to visit the courts of law« 
Judges and barristers were both wigless and gownless, and dressed 
in garments of such color and fashion, as the taste of the indivi- 
dual might dictate. There was no mace, nor external symbol of 
authority of any sort, except the staves which 1 observed in the 
hands of a few constables, or officers of the court. The first wit. 
ness examined, held the Bible in one hand, while he kept the 
other in his bi-eeches pocket, and, in giving his evidence, stood 
lounging with his arm thrown over the bench." 

Having satisfied my curiosity in this court, I entered another, 
■which I was informed was the Supreme Court of the State. 
The proceedings here were, if possible, less interesting than those 
I had already witnessed. I was therefore, on the point of de- 
parting, when a jury, which had previously retired to deliberate, 
came into court, and proceeded in the usual form to deliver theii 
verdict. It was not without astonishment, I confess, that I re- 
marked that three-fourths of the jurymen were engaged in eating 
bread and cheese, and that the foreman actually announced the 
verdict with his mouth full, ejecting the disjointed syllables during 
the intervals of mastication j" 



FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 215 

"At six o'clock the bell rings for tea, when the party musters 
again, though generally in diminished force. This meal is like- 
wise provided with its due proportion of solids. The most re- 
markrble was raw hung beef, cut into thin slices, of which, — 
horresco referens, — I observed that even ladies did not hesitate to 
partake. Tlie tea and coffee were both execrable." 
NEVV.ENGLAND. 

" Mammon has no more zealous worshipper than your 
true Yankee. His homage is not merely that of the lip, or 
of the knee ; it is an entire prostration of the heart ; the de- 
votion of all powers, bodily and mental, to the service of the 
idol. H3 views the world but as one vast exchange, on which he 
is impelled, both by principle and interest, to overreach his neigh- 
bors if he can. The thought of business is never absent from his 
mind. To him there is no enjoyment without trafic. He travels 
snail-like, with his shop or his counting-house on his back, and, 
like other hawkers, is always ready to open his budget of little 
private interests for di.scussion or amusement. The only respite 
ne enjoys from the consideration of his own affairs, is the time he 
is pleased to bestoAv on prying into yours." 
" Arithmaiic, I presume, comes by instinct among this guessing, 
reckoning, expecting, and calculating people." 

"If to form a just es^imate'of ourselves and others be the test of 
knowledge, the New Englander is the most ignorant of mankind." 

" Whenever his love of money conies in competition with his 
zeal for religion, ;the latter is sure to give way. He will insist on 
the scrupulous observance of the Sabbath, and cheat his customer 
on the Monday morning. The whole race of Yankee pedlars, 
in particular, are proverbial for dishonesty. These go forth, an- 
nually in thousands to lie, cog, cheat, sAvindle, in short, to get 
possession of their neighbor's property, in any manner it can be 
done with impunity. They warrant broken watches to be the 
best time-keepers in the world ; sell pinch-beck trinkets for gold ; 
and have always a large assortment of wooden nutmegs, and 
stagnant barometers." 

" The New Englanders are not an amiable people. One meets 
in them much to approve, little to admire, and nothing to love." 

" Hartford is one of the stupidest places on tlie surface of th« 
globe." 

WASHINGTON. 

"The President's Levee. — During the time I was «n- 



216 FIBBLETON'S TRAVELS. 

gaged at the levee, my servant remained in the hall through 
which lay the entrance to the apartments occupied by tha 
company, and on the day following he gave me a few de- 
tails of a scene somewhat extraordinary, but sufficiently 
characteristic to merit record. It appeared that the refresh- 
ments intended for the company, consisting of punch and le- 
monade, were brought by the servants, with the intention of 
reaching the interior saloon. No sooner were these ministers of 
Bacchus descried to be approaching by a portion of the company, 
than a rush was made from within, the Avhole contents of the 
trays were seized in transitu, by a sort of coup de'main; and tlm 
bearers having thus rapidly achieved the distribution of their re- 
freshments, had nothing for it but to return for a fresh supply. 
This was brought, and quite as compendiously despatched, and 
it at length became apparent, that without resorting to some ex- 
traordinary measures, it would be impossible to accomplish tho 
intended voyage, and the more respectable portion of the com- 
pany would be suiFered to depart with dry palates, and in utter 
ignorance of the extent of ihe hospitality to which they were in- 
debted." 

" The butler, however, was an Irishman, and, in order to baffle 
farther attempts at intercepting the supplies, had recourse to an 
expedient marked by all the ingenuity of his countrymen. Hd 
procured an escort, armed them with sticks, and on his next ad- 
vance, these men kept flourishing their shillelahs around the trays, 
with su.ch alarming vehemence, that the predatory horde, who 
anticipated a repetition of their plunder, were scared from their 
prey, and, amid a scene of execrations and laughter, the refresh- 
ments thus guarded, accomplished their jouiney to the saloon ii^ 
safety !" 



END, 



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